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In
this film, we begin by seeing the creator of the Death Star being
forced to complete his job after having figured out that his new
creation might not be the most ethical of space-stations. I guess the
clue would be in that it's called the fucking Death Star. After he's
been dragged back by the Empire, his daughter grows up alone before
eventually being found by the Rebels who need her to get a plan from
her father. You remember how Luke fired those torpedoes down the
Death Star's no-no hole in A New Hope before
attempting to celebrate by firing a torpedo of his own down his
sister's no-no hole? Well it turns out that that Death Star's
self-destruct shaft wasn't just a massive balls-up by the Empire but
rather a trap placed there by its reluctant creator as a way of
sticking two fingers up at his management... and who hasn't always
dreamed of doing that?! Rogue One therefore
specifically deals with the mission of getting those plans from his
brain and into the hands of Princess Leia in time for the opening
credits of Episode 4. Not
that you'd know where this film was located within the franchises
timeline due to the lack of any opening exposition I suppose. I have
no idea how many people will have attended Rogue One: A
Star Wars Story expecting it to
be Episode 8 and I
have no idea how far into it they would have gotten before realising
that it's not. However if the fact that we have to write 'do not
drink' on bottles of bleach is anything to go by I suspect there'll
have been a fair few and they'll have gotten a fair way.
In
many ways there's almost more pressure on the shoulders of this film
to do well than there was on The Force Awakens. Episode 7 came
after the prequels and so all it had to do to win the world's approval
was to simply avoid being as shitty as seeing a Wompa pinch off a
frozen loaf. Rogue One however is following in the footsteps
of one of the most crowd pleasing films of recent years and so had to
be at least equally enjoyable whilst also setting the groundwork for
exactly what these spin-off's would become. It had to be recognisably
a part of the Star Wars Universe whilst being noticeably
different to the bog-standard episodes that we've been used to for
the last forty years. In both cases I'd have to say that the film is
a huge success which is kind of the opposite of what the gossipy
whore of the online world would have had you believe. For the last
few months the internet had been inundated with stories of director
Gareth Edwards original version of the film being so worryingly
terrible that Disney went into panic mode. Rumours surfaced that
they'd hired in a new director, spent millions re-shooting the
majority of the film, and even had to rush Mickey Mouse to hospital
after the stress began to cause him to shit blood.
Despite
most of these rumours having the distinct click-bait-y stench of
bullshit about them, it seems not to matter either fucking way
at all right now. I mean, I'm not saying there weren't re-shoots
because obviously there were. Firstly it's standard practice for a
movie of this scale to indulge in a little extra filming at the end
of its schedule, and secondly it seems that half of the cool shit from
the trailers is missing. Both clips that had been released and the
poster for the fucking film featured a gang of stormtroopers going
for a tropical paddle and yet that's nowhere to be seen in the final
product. I'm pretty sure that the trailer promised us a scene in
which the lead character has her path blocked by a Tie-Fighter too.
However to judge Rogue One: A Star Wars story from the rumours
of its production seems to me to be a bit like judging a child from
what you've heard about it's conception. I mean I have one friend
that I'm pretty sure was conceived via an unwashed turkey baster
however that hasn't caused me to have a low opinion of them. My low
opinion of them is a coincidence, and a result of my friend's shitty
personality. The same is therefore true of Rogue One in that,
even if it was conceived up against a rat infested dust bin in a
pissy alley, and after a toothless hooker had managed to score a bit of
business from a tramp with a shiny penny, I just don't care. The film
was fucking brilliant and in my humble opinion it may well be the
best Star Wars film since about 1980 in which Darth Vader
finally admitted he'd been significantly flunking on his child
support.
In
fact, the irony of the film's success is that, in my humble opinion, the
two reasons that it stands out are the two reasons that everybody was
originally worried. Firstly it was rumoured that the bulk of the
re-shoots dealt with the final act of the film and yet it was this
final act in which I found myself as blown away as a fart in the
wind. However the climactic drama would hardly work at all if it
wasn't for the fact the story had been so strong up until that point,
with characters that you could actually invest in. I've already had
one of my gimpy faced chums compare me to the psychotically blunt
Imperial droid K-2SO which might explain why the droid is becoming one of
my favourite things in anything ever. This love of the characters is
also linked to the second reason why the film worked so well and that's
the simple fact that it was a stand-alone movie. We've never seen
these people before and there's no real reason why we should ever see
them again and so for the first time in ages we get a big blockbuster
film with an actual sense of threat. Sure we can work out the fate of
the actual mission, but there's a tension and drama here as it becomes
ever apparent that this space-hopping dirty dozen might actually kick
the bucket.. and by kick the bucket I mean that they could fucking
die and not that they might simply deliver a swift hoof to Vader's
nut-sack.
Actually,
speaking of Vader, it's worth noting that there has been a lot of hype
around his long awaited return which must again presumably confuse
the fuck out of anybody that thinks they're watching Episode 8. As
nice as it is to see him again, particularly in regards to his
concluding actions, there are a few other returning faces that people
may be surprised and hopefully pleased to see. I won't spoil who they
are but although they're clearly the result of either computer
effects or a voodoo resurrection spell, I was more than happy to see
them. Despite this though, it really was the new faces that made the
movie the slab of genius that it is. With the small gang going rogue
and with very little concern for their own lives when faced with the
bigger picture, you can only imagine how embarrassed the cast and crew
of Suicide Squad must be for releasing their own vastly
inferior film in the same year. I'd even argue that this movie is
better than The Force Awakens because its characters are all
complete and self-contained unlike in Episode 7 in which we
were presented with mysteries and questions in order to entice us
back for the sequel. This film also works more on its own terms than
The Force Awakens which borrowed heavily from the nostalgia
and even plot points of previous films. Not that there's any need to pick a
favourite, I suppose. After having spent ten years in a world in which
no more Star Wars movies were going to get made and after we'd
been left with the three shitty prequels, I'm just happy that these
films are both as brilliant as they are. I suppose as far as this
franchise is concerned, K-2SO summed it up perfectly when he said
“Congratulations. You are being rescued!” Thanks for reading,
motherfuckers, and see you next time.
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