 |
| Join us on Facebook! |
The
film begins with an attack at a sports event. Only Harry sees the
attacker and yet when pressed for details responds with “I don't
know who it was. I didn't see his face!” I wouldn't worry about it
mate. If the last three fucking films have been anything to go by
it'll probably be your new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher. I
honestly don't know how that school gets away with its hiring policy
for that position. We're four films into this franchise and so far
there's been a radicalised child killer, a pathological
liar, a man with a violent split-personality, and now an imposter. In
the real world, and despite being innocent, Filch's appearance
alone would spur the papers to out him as a nonce and incite a mob to
burn his fucking shed down.
In this movie, Hogwarts is host to an event known as the Tri-Wizard
tournament, which is like a really selective sports day in which you
gamble your life for a shiny gold cup. Definitely worth it.
Despite not entering the game, Harry finds himself nominated which
causes a rift between him and his best friend. Ron is pissed off that
Harry entered without telling him and seems to get more annoyed every
time Harry denies having done it himself. Ron's very first year of
school involved helping his best-mate fight some prick with the face
of a half-dead psychopath on the back of his fucking head, and yet the
idea that Harry might now be being set-up? Fuck that shit!
Anyway, the competition ends when Harry touches the trophy and gets
zapped into a trap in which franchise uber-villain Voldemort is
resurrected. Turns out that the new teacher was influencing Harry's
performance throughout the entire tournament in order for this to
happen which was incredibly clever of him. He had to know what Harry
and the three other competitors would do with each step of the
journey whilst also factoring in the sheer randomness of the
competitions themselves. Seems like there's a lot of elements left to
chance there. Pretty sure he could have just enchanted a coffee mug
to do what that trophy did and then instead of having to plan the
shit out of the next few months he could have simply asked Harry,
“Fancy a cuppa?!”. But fuck it- what do I know?!
So
was it shit or not then? (Still Spoilers)
Perhaps a more apt name for this movie would have been Harry
Potter And The Curse Of The Shitty Hairdo because both he and Ron
look fucking ridiculous in this one. In case you don't remember it,
this is the film in which they've made them both look like a couple
of middle-aged house wives at an after-wedding disco in the early
1990's. Although ignoring both that and a couple of plot holes that were so
big that a dragons cock wouldn't touch the sides, I suppose I really
don't have much else to slag this film off about. In fact, for me, it
just seemed to go from great scene to great scene, so I figured we
could have a quick look at some of them now.
Scene 1- Gambon's
madness.
I know that in the book Dumbledore is described as being warm and
friendly, but fuck me- Gambon's performance here is just so much
funnier than that. This is his second time playing the role and he's
still not quiet settled on an accent yet, which makes for quite a hardcore
drinking game. But the highlight has got to be the moment after
Harry's name comes out of the Goblet and Dumbledore isn't too
pleased. In fact Dumbledore, the kindly father figure, fucking
charges at Harry like an alcoholic rushing to the bar just as he
spots the last orders bell is about to ring. Then he grabs Harry,
pushes him against the wall, and screams into his face as though we're
watching a deleted 'fancy dress party' scene from Nil By fucking
Mouth. Oh, and if that wasn't all funny enough as it is, watch
closely when he's running and you'll notice that he has to grab his
dress to save tripping over it. I'm not sure what this scene's DVD
chapter name would be for you to find it but I know that it won't labelled as 'Dumbledores Fucking Dignity'.
Scene 2- Diggory's
Offer
The Harry Potter franchise has never been shy about dealing
with issues of sexuality. Who can forget that time that Rowling
bravely outed Dumbledore just after she'd sold millions of books and
made so much money that she could probably afford to kick-start a
homophobe holocaust if she'd wanted to? Well if you ask me, The
Chamber Of Secrets is a giant metaphor for Harry's sexual
awakening and the confusion he feels as he tries to decide his place
on the Kinsey scale. Well, in this film we find out that he's
definitely not put himself firmly in the straight camp as one of his
rivals, Cedric Diggory, comes on to him and his response is to take
him up on his offer. Here's the exchange...
EXT. HOGWARTS GROUNDS-
DAY.
Spotting Harry's sexy
phallic-like scar, Cedric can't resist the boy's charms
any longer and so pulls him aside.
Cedric
I
realize I never really thanked you properly for tipping me off about
those dragons.
Cedric
looks down at Harry and attempts his most powerful 'fuck-me eyes'.
Harry
Forget
about it. I'm sure you would've done the same for me.
Cedric
attempts to make his flirting more obvious by
gaining an erection.
Cedric
Exactly.
You know the Prefects' bathroom on the fifth floor? It's not a bad
place for a bath. Just take your egg and... mull things over in the
hot water.
Harry realises what's going on. He usually liked to take a rubber duck to the bath with him but perhaps that might not be the most appropriate of all his many rubber toys on this occasion.
From
here, we then cut to Harry in the bath and I'm not even going to
contemplate what 'take your egg and... mull things over' means. I
suppose it might be a reference to the big golden egg that Harry has
to figure out for a clue to his next trial.. but where's the fun in
that?! It's clearly a reference to wanking somehow. It's one gay
character coming onto another whose sexuality is still forming and I
for one applaud its bravery!
Scene 3- The
Yule Ball
There's
no denying that the Harry Potter franchise
has scenes that add fuck-all to the plot despite dragging the running
times out to the point that if you don't pause the movie for a piss
then you're going to fucking die. There's also no denying that the
Yule Ball is one of those scenes. You could chop the entire sub-plot
out and not only would the overall story remain the same but we'd all
gain about half an hour of free time. Or you could use that extra
half hour in the movie to really expand on the blossoming
Diggory/Potter love affair that I just mentioned. However I really do
like this scene because, although we don't learn anything about the
main plot, we do learn quite a bit about the characters and how shit
they are.. which is something that I find to be painfully relatable.
During
the Yule Ball we see how crap at dancing Harry is which is something
I can empathise with, having only mastered the one move that I like to
call 'shaking about like a zombie with a cattle-prod up its fucking
arse'. I avoided most school events like this one, however on the rare
occasion that I was forced to go, like Harry and Ron, I'd usually end
them by sitting with my best-mate and bitching about everything in an
attempt to distance myself from it. For me, this is the moment in the
movie in which the franchise stops being about characters going
through a plot and begins to feel more like we're seeing people going
through their shit. Considering I'm writing a blog about Harry
fucking Potter and have essentially just turned a scene in this movie
into gay fanfiction, it also might not surprise you to know that I'm
not great when it comes to pulling. Neither, as it happens, are Harry
or Ron, who are able to read girls about as well as a blind monkey can
read 'The Big Book Of Shit That Makes No Sense'. Throw a bit of 90's
icon Jarvis Cocker onto the soundtrack and, congratulations- this film
has just tapped into the nostalgic part of my brain labeled repressed
awkward memories!
Scene 4- The
Graveyard
Obviously
the first few films tried to be a little scary with their giant
snake monsters and whatnot, but I mean, this one is actually creepy. We
see Harry get sliced with a fuck-off knife, one of Voldemort's
followers mutilate themselves, and that's before the terrifying main
bastard has even turned up. Voldemort returns and we essentially get
a ten minute sequence in which a deformed and psychotic adult
tortures a helpless child with the intent of eventually killing him.
Ralf Fiennes doesn't calm his 'I'm the best on-screen Nazi' thing
down either just because children might be watching. Fuck them, I
guess!? Plus he looks really, really nightmarish in terms of his
character design. He's got horrible sunken eyes, he's missing his
nose, and worst of all he's got a big ol' bald head, like a single,
perfect arse-cheek with a face on it. Oh, and on top of that, the
character of Cedric Diggory has just been murdered. So there's the
corpse of a school boy lying in the background throughout the entire
scene. You know.. just in case things weren't fucked up enough?!
With
Mike Newell, this was the first time that a Harry Potter film
had been directed by an actual Brit with his most notable film
previously having been Four Weddings And A Funeral. In
fact, that movie concludes with Andie Macdowell running to Hugh Grant
and giving the worst delivery of one of the worst lines ever as when
stood in the pouring rain she asks “Is it still raining? I hadn't
noticed”. Of course it's raining you stupid bitch- you're in
England! Well, as downbeat endings go, he's managed to top that with
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire and
all it took was one traumatised child, one dead child, and the
villain getting away to do it all again... and that's why I loved
this movie. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.
No comments :
Post a Comment