Her Heart Will Go On

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Alita: Battle Angel begins with Christoph Waltz finding a robotic head in a landfill site which is lucky for him. When I was a kid the most exciting thing that I found lying around was a porno mag in the bushes and the pictures in it were so rank that I think it actually set my development back a few years. But this film is set in the future where finding robot heads is apparently not a huge deal and I presume that porn mags have been replaced with a chip in your brain and some kind of sci-fi suction device. I'm not sure what kind of sci-fi suction device that might be but I reckon a robotic ladies head that you find in the dump might be a good starting place. From here, Waltz decides to give the lady's detached robotic head a body and bring her back to life which is pretty lucky for her. Most people are perverts and so realistically I think the closest to a body that most people would attach her head to would be a fucking anvil. If anything this film should be like a cross between Pinocchio and one of those documentaries about creepy men that become too attached to their sex dolls. Anyway, it turns out that the robot that Waltz names Alita is actually a three-hundred-year-old fighting machine. So she actually looks pretty good for an older lady considering that she's the same age and level of human that Jackie Stallone is.

Getting The Dragon Horn

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How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World is the third and allegedly last film in the franchise and so obviously concludes with all of the dragons being rounded up and shot in the head with a fucking bolt gun. I mean.. it obviously doesn't, but hopefully any parents reading would have stopped at that point and decided not to take their idiot child to see it. If it's the final film in the trilogy then I don't need this movie to make money to ensure a sequel and I don't like seeing children in the cinema. Or anywhere for that matter. If they're not annoying me themselves then the way in which they're being badly parented by their troglodyte prick parents will no doubt be pissing me off instead. In the case of this cinema outing, it was about ten minutes into the movie when some fucking idiot turned up with about thirty kids and proceeded to shine her phone into my eyes as she mentally wrestled with the concept of seat numbers. So maybe this film is a complete masterpiece and I missed it because you very specifically have to have watched the bit at the start in which my retinas were being burnt off to fully get it. However, the message of the movie is that if you love something then you should let it go. So if you love your child and you're thinking of taking them to see this film then maybe you could just have the fucker adopted and then stay at home yourself instead?

Coasting Along

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It's not that I don't love Clint Eastwood but I had pretty low expectations when going to see his latest film The Mule. I mean, obviously he's made some stone-cold classics with Unforgiven being one of the greatest films of all time. But Eastwood waited a decade to make that film because he wanted to be the old man that the character he was playing was. And that's exactly what he was in that film. An old broken man. That was also almost thirty fucking years ago and somehow the old prick is still going strong. Well, I say strong... Some of his more recent films have been like when an old person tells a story that seems to last forever and you just wish for a plane crash to improve them. Although in the case of Sully: Miracle On The Hudson even the plane crash didn't help. Grandpa Simpson tells those exact kinds of boring stories and we let him off because we understand that he's doing it because he's old. Grandpa Simpson is 83 years old which, as I write this, is actually five fucking years younger than Eastwood himself.

This Glass Is Half Empty

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If M. Night Shyamalan filmed himself taking a dump into a flower pot and then kicked it at a stray cat then I'd consider him a genius. Not because of that but because he directed the masterpiece Unbreakable and nobody will ever be able to take that away from him. We all remember Lord Byron for being one of our greatest poets and yet we don't let his genius be tainted by the fact that he used to collect his lover's pubic hair in a carefully organised file. I think that the same should apply to Shyamalan with Unbreakable being proof of his genius and with the rest of his movies being his file of matted pubes. Also if Shyamalan did film himself crapping into a flower pot and then kicking it at a cat then it'd still be a better movie than The Last Airbender. I enjoyed his The Visit and I was really enjoying his Split until the final few seconds revealed it to be a secret Unbreakable sequel and I lost my shit. I was so excited to see Bruce Willis's David Dunn back and I was even more excited to see what was going to happen next. I really wanted to like this new film too simply to be able to use the pun that Glass was smashing!

Unbreakable - Kind Of A Miracle

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There's no denying that Albert Einstein was a genius and without his laws of relativity we wouldn't be where we are today. Not that I have a clue what his laws of relativity really are, by the way. I know that they're something to do with space and time but space and time are also the two most basic elements of a sumo match and I don't think he invented the concept of fat blokes shoving each other around. I do know however that Einstein used to wear a silk gown in which he'd intentionally whip his dick out at random women and then attempt to seduce them if they didn't respond with too much disgust. I also know that the word 'genius' is thrown about a little too much these days and should really only be reserved for world-changing flashers like Einstein. But I believe the film director M. Night Shyamalan to fit the criteria despite almost all evidence to the contrary. Sure he hasn't come up with some Earth shattering theory that explains something about gravity and I don't think he's even responsible for creating a single traditional Japanese sport. However, and I don't mean to be hyperbolic here but Shyamalan did something much more impressive then either of those two things combined. He wrote and directed the 2000 masterpiece Unbreakable.

Aquaman Made Me Wet

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The actor Jason Momoa is so good looking that he could be the the star of one of those pretentious men's fragrance adverts, and yet at the same time he also manages to look like an actual tramp. I can genuinely picture him eating a cat out of a fucking bin, but I also imagine that he'd smell fucking incredible whilst doing it. In his new film Aquaman we're introduced to him as he rescues a submarine from a band of pirates whilst topless. But why is he topless? The filmmakers must know that it's frowned upon for the audience to openly masterbate in the cinema so what are they hoping to achieve? They've also given him some weird yellow contact lenses that are meant to show that he can talk to the fish or something. Or maybe they're like built in bio-goggles? To be honest I don't know what was going on with his eyes but they were way too sinister. He's kind of like a goat in that the evil in his eyes is way out of proportion with everything else on the rest of his head. Observations like this were also distracting me for the first twenty-minutes of the film and so might be the reason that I was never entirely sure what was going on with the story. Also I spent the entire opening act in confused self-reflection when some water splashed on Aquaman's stupidly handsome hobo face during a fight and I accidentally came in my pants.

Taking The Rocky Path

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I saw a thing on Twitter the other day in which somebody asked, “What is the best bad movie that you love?” to which somebody else answered with Rocky 4, and I thought 'well, fuck the rest as that is the actual answer'. Rocky 4 is a piece of shit movie in which the franchise started snorting pure uncut 80's culture to the point that it lost its grip on reality. There are some poignant moments in it such as the death of Apollo Creed, which obviously plays into the new movie Creed 2. The rest of us however, can only really remember it for its montages. There's a montage of Stallone running up a mountain, carrying logs, and pulling sledges. At one point there's even a montage of all the other fucking montages from the previous movies. In all cases, he strains his face to resemble a kicked-in ballsack with a pair of mismatched googly-eyes stuck on it. Let's not forget the bit either in which the film pretty much stops to show us a ten minute James Brown concert for no reason whatsoever. Oh, and there's a robot butler in that one too because there was presumably too much cocaine knocking about when the script was being written. Rocky 4 is a crap movie but I'll be fucked if I don't admit that it's fun to watch.

A Private Little War

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Outlaw King tells the story of legendary Robert the Bruce with the film beginning as he agrees to be England's little bitch. Apparently, the film is set in 1304, but as I saw peasants living in mud and the English trying desperately not to lose control of Scotland, I naturally assumed that it was set post-Brexit. A few years later, Robert notices how dissatisfied the Scottish seem to be with the slaughter of their hero William Wallace being something that particularly irks them. Although if he thought that they were pissed off with their national hero being killed and chopped into pieces then I look forward to him seeing their reaction to the future casting of Mel Gibson. From here Robert decides to fight back by being crowned the King of Scotland and rounding up a small rabble of bearded monsters that we call 'Scottish people'. I can't say I'm a historian and you could honestly write everything that I know about Scottish history onto a mouse's cock. Though from what I can gather, this film takes so many liberties with the facts that a game of Chinese whispers in a tourette's clinic would prove more reliable.

Like Dragging An Alpaca Through Mud

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When Johnny Depp isn't fucking his life up, he occasionally stars in movies such as the recent Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald. In it, he plays a man who intends to ascend to power by appealing to the prejudice of the right-wing fucknuggets who believe his lies about inequality. With his silly blonde hair and racist rhetoric, I'm sure it's also obvious which big titted and shit-spewing President he reminds us all of too. Although due to his eyes being two different colours, it was a snooty fucking alpaca that I took out for a walk that jumped to mind for me. The alpaca's name was Kosmos and I was hoping that he'd be my friend as I lead him around a field but sadly that four-legged fuck thought he was better than me. With each step of our stroll, my hatred for him began to increase as his cold indifference towards me become offensively apparent. At one point I tried to feed him a carrot and he looked so offended by my attempt to bond with him that you'd think I was pissing right into his face. Anyway, like Donald Trump, that alpaca was a fucking prick and that's why I think that Johnny Depp's evil wizard Grindelwald was the baddie.

Is This The Real Life, Is This Just Fantasy?

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Bohemian Rhapsody tells the story of the band Queen with a particular focus on its lead singer Freddie Mercury. Having seen his smile, I also recommend that you see the film on the biggest screen possible as nothing less will be able to fit his fucking teeth on.. let alone his ego. The film charts the band's journey from their humble beginnings and goes all the way to their epic Live Aid performance in which it's implied that they single-handedly solved world hunger. Other than a brief stint in which Freddie leaves the band to pursue an ill-founded solo career, the group seems to conquer the planet with relative ease, which is even more impressive when you consider that most of their songs are total shit. I'm not a huge fan of Queen because I prefer it when music isn't overly-long, shallow, and self-indulgent drivel, which is a shame here because that's how I feel about films too. Despite having so much dirt that it could have dealt with, Bohemian Rhapsody instead opted to get down on its knees and give Mercury a two hour blow-job, with the movie glorifying the band as blatantly as Triumph Of The Will did the fucking Nazis. Not that I'm saying that Queen are as bad as the Nazis, obviously. Although to clarify.. nor am I saying that this film is even remotely as well made as their Triumph Of The Will.

I Dare You To Stay Awake During This Film

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The 'truth' option of the game 'Truth or Dare' is only ever to find out something rude about a person or to discover what they really think about you. In which case I'll save you some time by admitting that I definitely did do that thing and no I can't fucking stand you. Obviously I'm not going to pick 'dare' because I really don't want to know which of my friends is going to use the game as an excuse to have me show them my cock. Last time I was forced to play, a friend of mine was dared to give me a back massage which seemed a bit unfair. It wasn't me being dared to do anything so why do I have to be a part of this? On the flip side I was quite in need of a massage so I figured I'd protest enough to show I wasn't up for it but not so much that it didn't actually not happen. No harm in a free massage after all is there? Well, I didn't think so either, until my friend accidentally got an erection whilst doing it. I mean.. what the fuck. Even at one of those dodgy massage places it's meant to be the client that ends up getting off and not the prick that works there. Anyway the long and short of it is that I do hate the game but at the very least I suppose it's not quite as fucking boring as the film Truth Or Dare.

Death Has Returned To This Little Town

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I love the director John Carpenter as much as little fat kids love to eat at McDonald's and as much as McDonald's loves to get rich off their slow descent into a life of diabetes. His original 1978 Halloween was essentially the very first slasher film if you were to ignore 1974's Black Christmas and his scores cause me to feel an emotion that my fellow humans have assured me is called happiness. When it was announced that another Halloween film was being made, I couldn't really have given less of shit. All of the sequels had been pretty fucking bad up until that point and I would rather stick my head in the fucking oven than sit through Rob Zombie's pointless fucking remakes. However, when it was then announced that it'd be from the director of Pineapple Express and written by the comedy actor Danny McBride, I became a little curious. Kind of like when you go to a show in Amsterdam and you see all of the props that a performer is about to insert into themselves. I was confused as to what they might be aiming to achieve and I was scared that I wouldn't like whatever might eventually hit the big screen in front of me. But I was also kind of intrigued and a little excited to see what might happen anyway.

Hitting Brock Bottom

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In the comic books, Venom is an alien symbiote that first attaches itself to Spider-Man before he manages to simply shake it off like it's a bit of bird shit. Like a jilted lover, the symbiote then makes its way over to Eddie Brock, one of Peter Parker's less friendly colleagues, so that the two can get all up in each other and make his life as miserable as they can. Sadly, this Venom movie has a different origin story for the black goo that disappointingly doesn't involve an alien life form and an embittered journalist deciding to hate-fuck each other to upset a super-hero. The symbiote does still crash onto our planet but this time he couldn't find Spider-Man or even dare utter his fucking name because of a rights issue that literally nobody in the world seems to understand. Is this film part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe because Spider-Man now seems to be and isn't Venom one of his most famous enemies? Sony seems to think it is, with producer Amy Pascal essentially implying as much in an interview with Marvel honcho Kevin Feige. Except to confuse the issue slightly is the fact that as she said this, Feige just happened to be demonstrating the universal facial expression for “I don't fucking think so”.

Fortune Favours The Dumb

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It took me so many attempts to get my drivers licence that, had I failed my final test, then I was genuinely prepared to claim the instructor had touched me on my 'no no parts' to blackmail them into passing me. I know that sounds terrible but they were failing me over such pedantic reasons that I started to suspect they were only doing it to fund their fucking Christmas party. As a consolation, I was told that the smarter a person is, the harder they find driving because people with a brain tend to overthink a situation instead of responding naturally. “Great”, I thought, “the world favours the morons once again”. First we weren't allowed free Pogs in our packets of crisps because some knobhead chocked to death on one and now I'm paying almost a hundred fucking quid a go because I signalled before checking my twatting mirror. Well, that was ten years ago, and although to be fair it has subsequently turned out that I am just a bit of a shit driver, it seems that the world is still looking after the idiots. This was meant to be the year that writer director Alex Garland had Annihilation, the follow up to his amazing directorial debut Ex Machina, released in cinemas only to find that idea shat all over by the kingdom of the fucking dumb at the last minute.

A Dog Eat Dog World

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The day that I got my dog she ran around the house as though her tail was on fire before finally jumping up onto my Dad's lap to say 'hello'. He'd been reluctant to get her in the first place and so I feel that this was her way of setting things straight and assuring him that everything would be alright. She sat upright, made eye contact, they had their moment, and then she bit him right on the tit. What a good dog. I couldn't love her more! In fact, doesn't everybody love dogs? Even Hitler loved his dog and by all accounts he's gone down in history as quite the rotter. Director Wes Anderson's latest is the stop-motion movie Isle Of Dogs which some astute film-goers have cleverly noted sounds a little like 'I love dogs'. Kind of like nosh it sounds a bit like no shit I guess. Set in Japan in the not too distant future, the film tells of a prejudiced leader that banishes all dogs to a nearby island after they all catch a canine flue. Sadly this island is also where they dump all their rubbish because otherwise I'm pretty sure that they could have made a fucking fortune with the tourist industry. People pay to eat their lunches in cat cafes already and so who wouldn't pay to holiday on an island of dogs? I'd much rather go for a nature walk whilst surrounded by man's best friend than try to enjoy the soup of the day as one cat wretches up a fur ball and another proudly licks its fucking arse.

How To Catch A Predator

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In 1987, a crack team of steroid-addled super men were slaughtered by a vagina-faced space-Rastafarian as they fucked about on a jungle mission. Thirty-one years later however it seems that director Shane Black has managed to find something even more terrifying than that first film's monster for his sequel The Predator. Sure the first movie's beastie was scary, with its towering height, mouth pincers, and shoulder cannons... but this film stars Jake Busey. JAKE FUCKING BUSEY for fuck's sake! Have you seen him in The Frighteners and Contact? He's literally a thing of nightmares. He's got the kind of creepy face and intense stare that should only ever be seen peering out of a haunted mirror in an old German fairytale. But he's worse because he's also a real man that walks our actual planet in real life! Sure he's only in this movie for a few minutes in the beginning but that's honestly enough to put the shits up me. I can understand a creature that's from another planet existing, but imagine something that started life in the ball-sack of Gary Busey. You'd be freaked out if you found a sentient creature living up Nick Nolte's arse or between Meatloaf's tit-folds, so why do we just accept a man that made his journey to Earth via Gary Busey's dick?!

Bad Habits Die Hard

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Set in 1952, The Nun begins in Vatican City with the resident priests having received some terrifying news. Although.. I went to Vatican City last year for a holiday and I can tell you that the only terrifying thing about that place is how much the bastards will charge you to let you in. Rather than being an upcoming police investigation into centuries of child abuse however, the priests are actually worried about a Romanian nun that has committed suicide. Suspecting that something sinister might be at play, they decide to recruit a humourless Bruce Campbell look-a-like to go to her monastery and discover the cause of her actions. I guess they assume that it's more likely that she was attempting to escape a demon than this simply being what happens when you ban people from fapping. In this particular case they also happen to be right with The Nun being the latest instalment in the shared universe of The Conjuring movies. If you liked The Sound Of Music but wondered if there was a film about nuns that you could watch that would be half as long but twice as fucking boring then this is the one for you!

Mutey And The Beast

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The Shape Of Water really does bring new meaning to the phrase 'sleeping with the fishes'. I hate to sound bitter but it is a massive slap in the face when even a fucking swamp-monster manages to pull with more ease than I do. Set in 1962, the film tells the story of a mute person working as a cleaner played by Sally Hawkins as she finds an aquatic-man-thing locked up in the secret Government building she's working at. Over the course of the movie the two form a bond and ultimately fall in love.. which really rubs dirt into the wound of my own parents' divorce. My Mum and Dad couldn't find anything in common after twenty years of marriage and yet here a fishman manages to form a connection with a woman simply because she sneaks him the odd snack whilst at work. Of course I'm all for office romances but it's unusual for one of the happy couple to have fucking gills. All of this is of course going on behind the back of Michael Shannon's head of security who simply wants to cut the creature up because, despite his claims that he wants to learn from it, he really just fucking hates it. Usually you might imagine he'd encourage his colleagues to take their work home with them, but he does seem somewhat less impressed when that work is a fish-monster, and what they want to do is to shove it up themselves. I can appreciate it might be tricky for Hawkins' mute cleaner to find a boyfriend, but perhaps she should try Tinder before literally taking the advice of 'hopping onto Plenty Of Fish'.

A Load Of Old Pooh

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The film begins with Christopher Robin telling his best-friend Winnie The Pooh that he'll be leaving to go to boarding school and that their time together has come to an end. Christopher Robin is clearly a fucking snake and it was from that point on that I refused to trust him. He doesn't tell his childhood chum that they'll be separated but he'll be back as soon as he can be. And nor does he seem particularly upset that he has to tell the innocent bear that their relationship is about to end. Nope. He just calmly sits him down, looks him in the eye and says “We're done”, with all the emotion of a fucking serial killer. From here we're given a snapshot of Robin's life and the hardships that he has to endure as he grows up. These trials range from a bad time at boarding school to the terrors he had to suffer whilst fighting in the war. The film doesn't talk much about how good a soldier he was although I'm guessing he was a shit one due to his complete lack of fucking loyalty with Pooh bear. 

Bigmouth Strikes Again

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Wes Anderson's vastly underrated The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou tells the story of an oceanographer that intends to hunt a rare shark after it had previously eaten his friend. When he finds it, his plan is to kill it, although he's not quite sure how yet.. “maybe dynamite”. When asked what the scientific purpose of killing the shark might be, Zissou thinks for a second and then deadpans his response, “revenge”. Jason Statham's latest film The Meg is pretty much that exact same movie but rather than having the genius stylings of Wes Anderson and the comedy God Bill Murray, it has The Stath and a massive fuck-off Shark. Did you see the film Spy in which Statham played an exaggerated version of his on-screen persona? Well in that he's constantly exaggerating about all of the mad shit that he's supposedly done and it wouldn't be out of the question for him to have claimed that he'd kicked a pre-historic shark in the fucking teeth. In which case I'd say that The Meg is actually a remake of The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou but if the script had been re-written by The Stath's character from Spy. 

This Charming Ant-Man

There was obviously a huge plot-hole with the first Ant-Man movie in that Scott Lang actually fought the villain rather than shrinking down, climbing up his anus, and then returning to normal size. I suggested this to my friend recently who claimed that he probably didn't do that because it wouldn't have been very “family-friendly”. But fuck being family-friendly when there's a bad guy threatening people. The world is literally at stake so just crack on and blow that arse-hole up! Not that I could tell you what the bad guy was trying to do now that I think about it. It's been a while since I watched the first movie and all I can remember about him is that he was called The Yellowjacket which admittedly makes him sound like he simply directs traffic in a car park. In which case he can definitely get fucked because I hate those people too. I did really enjoy the first Ant-Man though, and along with Brokeback Mountain it's probably my favourite film in which I spent the duration hoping for a character to experience a back-passage explosion. 

Tom Cruise Has A Death Wish

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The word “Fallout” has been very carefully chosen in the title of the latest Mission: Impossible – Fallout. For some it will reference the major threat that Ethan Hunt faces during his current assignment which involves three nuclear weapons and the inevitable fallout from their radiation. On a deeper level it also references the personal cost of each mission to Hunt himself and the effects that his life's purpose will have on his friends and family. Most excitingly of all though, I think it references the fact that Tom Cruise likes to fall out of shit all the time. I mean sure he tends to hang from things a little more than he falls but Mission: Impossible – Hang Out probably sounds a little too casual for an action movie. The first film began this trend of him falling when he dangled from a ventilation shaft and at one point fell a little closer to the floor than he'd hoped to go. By the fourth instalment things had escalated to the point that he was now falling from the tallest building in the world. He still had a rope attached to him but that clearly still takes balls as I can't even look vertically down from my bedroom window without my arse falling out.