Shine Bright Like A Diamond

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Doctor Sleep follows the adult Danny Torrance as he’s haunted by the childhood trauma of what happened to him at the Overlook hotel. Big deal. We all stayed in shitty hotels as a child and we don’t all bang on about it. Have you ever been to Pontins in Prestatyn? Jesus Christ. If my Dad had chased me around that place with an axe then I’d have probably run towards him and just headbutted the fucking thing. Did Danny’s Dad have a drink problem? Everyone’s Dad has a drink problem! My Dad once got so drunk that he passed out and smashed his head on the toilet on the way down. That wasn’t even from my childhood. That was last fucking Sunday. I knew he’d gone the toilet but when I heard the sound of the fall I didn’t know if he’d had a stroke or was struggling with a really mighty turd. Oh, and did a scary lady try to strangle young Danny when he was staying in the hotel too? He survived didn’t he?! And she was naked. This took place decades before the internet was in every household and we could just access images of tits whenever we wanted. Sure she was an old haggard lady but what was the alternative? A copy of Readers Wives? I found a copy of that in the bushes once and I honestly think I’d prefer to have been choked out by the fucking granny.

A Load Of Old Pooh

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The film begins with Christopher Robin telling his best-friend Winnie The Pooh that he'll be leaving to go to boarding school and that their time together has come to an end. Christopher Robin is clearly a fucking snake and it was from that point on that I refused to trust him. He doesn't tell his childhood chum that they'll be separated but he'll be back as soon as he can be. And nor does he seem particularly upset that he has to tell the innocent bear that their relationship is about to end. Nope. He just calmly sits him down, looks him in the eye and says “We're done”, with all the emotion of a fucking serial killer. From here we're given a snapshot of Robin's life and the hardships that he has to endure as he grows up. These trials range from a bad time at boarding school to the terrors he had to suffer whilst fighting in the war. The film doesn't talk much about how good a soldier he was although I'm guessing he was a shit one due to his complete lack of fucking loyalty with Pooh bear. 

Trainspotting Is My Favourite Film.. Now for T2.

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Trainspotting is without a doubt my favourite film of all time and so the last thing I needed was a shite sequel to it. As I saw something that I held so close to me thrown all over the cinema screen like Spud's post-piss up shit flung from his bed covers, I can only imagine the disappointment I'd feel. I can imagine the new film starting and as its crapness dawned on me, getting that sinking feeling in my stomach that dragged me down through the cinema floor as Lou Reed played softly through my mind. I might not have been the appropriate age to have seen the first movie during its original decade-defining release, but for about the last twelve years, there's only been one film that I turn to in times of need. Whether shit is going well or shit is going wrong, I don't just sit at home on the couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows. When depressed about my own failure to choose a family, a career, a starter home.. when I lie there wondering who the fuck I am on a Sunday morning, then I know it's time to watch the film. I choose Renton's destructive connection to his friends, Begbie's impotent rage, Sickboys unsuccessful schemes, and contrary to Vin Diesel's appearance as a giant human potato, I choose cinemas most iconic Spud.