13 August 2018

This Charming Ant-Man

There was obviously a huge plot-hole with the first Ant-Man movie in that Scott Lang actually fought the villain rather than shrinking down, climbing up his anus, and then returning to normal size. I suggested this to my friend recently who claimed that he probably didn't do that because it wouldn't have been very “family-friendly”. But fuck being family-friendly when there's a bad guy threatening people. The world is literally at stake so just crack on and blow that arse-hole up! Not that I could tell you what the bad guy was trying to do now that I think about it. It's been a while since I watched the first movie and all I can remember about him is that he was called The Yellowjacket which admittedly makes him sound like he simply directs traffic in a car park. In which case he can definitely get fucked because I hate those people too. I did really enjoy the first Ant-Man though, and along with Brokeback Mountain it's probably my favourite film in which I spent the duration hoping for a character to experience a back-passage explosion. 

However this time they've cleverly gotten around this problem by having the bad-guy able to alter their matter to give them a ghostly appearance. In fact, that's probably why they're called Ghost with their molecular structure being about as unstable as the average fucking Trump supporter. Her plan is to steal Hank Pym's lab for reasons that will become apparent, although hijacking a building that has the ability to shrink seems about as realistic a plan at getting on the property ladder as any. Hannah John-Kamen plays Ghost here which I think proves how good she is because whenever you apply for a job in the real world you have to have prior experience before even being considered for the bastard thing. In which case she must have been so impressive in her audition that she even beat Patrick Swayze to the part despite him having been a ghost in Ghost before becoming a ghost in real life. Obviously this ability to phase means that Ant-Man would find it impossible to defeat her by cramming himself up her anus which is very clever of her. Although, like Brokeback Mountain again, this simply meant that I spent most of this film hoping that they'd both be able to stay hard throughout their tussle.

Obviously, the film is called Ant-Man And The Wasp instead of simply Ant-Man 2 which gives an indication as to what you might expect here. Rather than being two hours of Scott Lang attempting to survive a picnic in which the standard swarm of shit-head wasps attempt to murder him for a sausage-roll, he is instead joined on his mission by his new partner. Wasp was set-up at the end of the last movie when the world had just worked out that women can play super-heroes too although not so far into this discovery that they hadn't still built tit-holders into her costume. She's obviously brilliant here, and cool-as-fuck, as actress Evangeline Lilly cracks out her Elven moves from The Hobbit to pull off the film’s most kick-ass fight scenes. In fact, as the characters all alter their size and matter, the action is actually pretty creative in this movie. Although as she stands next to Scott and they're both in their costumes, the movie does begin to look a little too much like the late 90's crap-a-thon Beetleborgs. Seeing the two of them stood together in their leather suits and gas-masks I wasn't sure whether they were going to save the world or start wanking and film a fetish video.

Not that saving the world is what's at stake here, I guess. In the past, movies would warn us about what might happen when a psychotic megalomaniac attempted to take control. However, now that that's happened in real life, the villain here has lowered her goal to the point of simply wanting to stay alive. The downside is that at times this makes the movie feel a little more on par with Agents Of Shield than something like Iron-Man or Black Panther, but as our society shits itself into oblivion, I guess the plus is that her motive is pretty relatable. At the same time as all of this, Michael Douglas's ageing Hank Pym is simply attempting to save Michelle Pfeiffer from the Quantum Realm. These scenes are a lot like a modern update of 1966's Fantastic Voyage but if the submarine crew from that movie had gone into the body of a scientist that had injured himself by drinking a fucking lava lamp. This also means that you have to listen to Douglas spouting a load of pseudo-rubbish about “molecular flin-flans” and “sub-pubic confetti stains”, which might sound scientific but literally mean fuck all. Although if anybody can make those lines sound believable it'll be the man that claimed his throat cancer was a result of having “performed oral sex” on Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Although I'd have probably liked the movie to have more style to it, there's definitely a fun 60's thing playing in the background of the movie. Despite essentially being a heist movie, there's no bigger thief in it than Michael Peña who is so much fun that he pretty much steals the movie from everybody else in it. If I have any criticism it's that in the last movie there was a really great scene in which a fight played out to Disintegration by The Cure as the two characters fell through the air. Almost every time Peña is on screen we hear a reference to musician Morrissey who, despite being an ageing racist dip-shit, I'm actually a huge fan of. Therefore I was convinced that at some point we were going to get a super fight to one of his songs with choreographing fights to a mopey 80's British pop-song being the gimmick of this franchise. That never happened and, as is increasingly the situation for a modern-day Morrissey fan, I found myself disappointed. Ant-Man And The Wasp is still a fun movie though, and even if it's a little more throw-away than some of the others in the MCU I dare anybody to walk out of it without thinking ‘Heaven knows I'm cheerful now’. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.

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