Like Dragging An Alpaca Through Mud

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When Johnny Depp isn't fucking his life up, he occasionally stars in movies such as the recent Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald. In it, he plays a man who intends to ascend to power by appealing to the prejudice of the right-wing fucknuggets who believe his lies about inequality. With his silly blonde hair and racist rhetoric, I'm sure it's also obvious which big titted and shit-spewing President he reminds us all of too. Although due to his eyes being two different colours, it was a snooty fucking alpaca that I took out for a walk that jumped to mind for me. The alpaca's name was Kosmos and I was hoping that he'd be my friend as I lead him around a field but sadly that four-legged fuck thought he was better than me. With each step of our stroll, my hatred for him began to increase as his cold indifference towards me become offensively apparent. At one point I tried to feed him a carrot and he looked so offended by my attempt to bond with him that you'd think I was pissing right into his face. Anyway, like Donald Trump, that alpaca was a fucking prick and that's why I think that Johnny Depp's evil wizard Grindelwald was the baddie.


The last film ended with Newt Scamander's new Muggle friend Jacob having his memory erased, the death of the conflicted Credence, and the arrest of Grindelwald himself. Don't worry if you didn't catch that one though as this latest instalment renders it all redundant in about two minutes. Grindelwald escapes from prison likes it's his fucking hobby, Credence is still alive because he just fucking is okay, and Jacob has his memory back because err.. ironically, I don't remember... In case you don't remember, Newt Scamander is a wizard who can only really relate to the weird and wonderful animals that he encounters. Although even he would have trouble getting a smile out of Kosmos the fucking alpaca. After Grindelwald escapes from prison in one of the film's action highlights, Newt is then recruited by Dumbledore to look for Credence in a circus in Paris. Or at least that's what I think happened? Honestly so much was being explained at all times that beyond the broad strokes of the story I can't really tell you what the fuck was going on. I quite enjoyed this movie although I do have to admit that my brain spent a lot of the time screaming “get the fuck on with it”, and “wait what the fuck is happening?”

I think that one of the main problems might be that the scripts for these movies are written by J.K. Rowling herself. At least the Harry Potter films were filtered through the minds of people whose writing was film orientated, whereas there's nobody here to edit her every thought. Just look at the film The Order Of The Phoenix which is one of the tightest of the Harry Potter movies in terms of structure and compare it to the source material. I mean, Jesus- the book she wrote for that was so big that you could kill an alpaca with it if he gave you one dirty fucking look too many. Not that I'm slagging her off of course, with myself being a huge fan of the Harry Potter series. I was the perfect age for the original films being that I'm the same age as the main three cast members and I even once received a letter from director David Yates to tell me I was too white to be in his film. In his defence, I had written to him first enquiring if I could play a character that was apparently black and I assume he doesn't just write rejections to every cracker kid that's about the right age. I only mention all of that so that you can see that I'm biased towards liking this film despite all of its flaws simply because I enjoy spending more time in this world. I even once stayed in a cheap hotel in London in order to visit the Harry Potter Studio Tour thing despite the very real risk that the friend I was staying with might masturbate during the night.

Kosmos the knobhead

As well as the world, I have to admit that I am becoming quite fond of some of the newer characters too. I know some people have taken against Newt because he's a little Rain Man at times, however who can't relate to a person that prefers animals to people? With the exception of Kosmos of course. Fuck him. Even Credence's story is interesting here despite the fact that, like Keith Richards, I still don't understand how he's actually alive?! It probably helps too that I think both actors are about as watchable as a lava lamp when you're off your tits in Amsterdam to be fair. I was also quite into Jude Law and Johnny Depp here as both Dumbledore and Grindelwald which is despite the controversy surrounding casting them. Fans were outraged by the casting of Law because it increasingly seems like the word 'fan' means 'to hate everything about the thing you love'. Whereas most humans were outraged by the casting of Johnny Depp because of all the bad things that he seems to be doing in the world. I honestly don't know too much about his private life and I'm honestly not interested as long as the final product on screen is good. If my postman is in a turbulent marriage with Amber Heard then that's between him, her, and whatever legal authorities that have to intervene. But as long as he keeps delivering my subscription to 'Bellend Alpacas Weekly' then I'll leave him to do his job.

There was also some controversy regarding the depiction of Dumbledore and Grindelwald's relationship here which some people worried might be a little restrained. For those out of the loop, J.K. Rowling heroically announced Dumbledore to be gay several years after she'd already sold all of her books and after failing to actually mention it in any of them. Grindelwald was his boyfriend when the two were younger and it was our new liberal world's concern that this aspect might not be represented as well as if they were a straight couple with a history. Having seen the movie I can confirm that at no point do we see the two of them graphically bumming each in a way that I can only imagine that they did. Nor do we see what might have been squirted into Grindelwald's eye to make it change colour. This is also despite the fact that we see Dumbledore look into that mirror that shows your hearts deepest desire in a scene that features a lot fewer butt plugs than I might have guessed it would. Not that I think gay people are any more sex-obsessed than straight people of course. I just think that people are fucking gross no matter what their sexuality is.

Their relationship is hinted towards though, with the film making it clear that their love for each other was the kind in which they probably did look at each other's dicks. I think it's unfair to judge this film for not delving too deeply into it though as it's really not the priority of the story and I suspect that they'll explore it more thoroughly in future instalments. This does lead me to my other criticism though as, on top of taking forever to get anywhere and then being as confusing as fuck when it gets there, the film really does just feel like it's all set-up for the sequels. This is the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 of the Fantastic Beasts series in that it doesn't really have a beginning or an end. Although I did think that the third act of this movie was its strongest as Grindelwald holds a rally in which even he has the sense not to do an impression of a disabled person. It's entirely admirable too that this is a mainstream movie that deals with the rise of fascism and the far-right. It even begins with the main character fighting for his right to move freely around foreign countries. As I write this now our Government is about to collapse over Brexit and Trump is screaming at any reporter that asks him any tricky question. I'm also aware that in five minutes the clusterfuck of our current political climate will have changed so dramatically that you'll have forgotten all about those things. However, as Grindelwald converted people to his cause, I couldn't help but be grateful to our shithole world for making the movie a truly immersive experience.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald is not a bad film in the slightest, although it's not a great one either. People complain that these prequels lack the magic of the Harry Potter series, however they were seen through the eyes of a character that had never seen this world before. Here the characters see the extraordinary as mundane with only Newt's love of the creatures being depicted in a particularly joyful or positive way. There's also no huge bond between the main characters in the way that there was between the main three in Harry Potter. Not that there should be necessarily, but at least they could provide genuine moments of levity as the story got darker whereas here the light relief can feel a little tacked on at times. In Harry Potter, there'd be an hour of darkness and then one friend would make a joke to cheer another friend up which feels pretty natural. Here though, there might be an hour of darkness and then the only real thing the film can do to lighten it is have Newt stick his thumb up a dragons arse or whatever it is he does. However, I'd be lying to you if I told you that I hadn't enjoyed it and I will happily fight you behind a bin if you tell me that it's a legitimately terrible movie. Plus the first two Harry Potter films are boring as shit and so by that comparison I'm still optimistic about this series future. It's not perfect but if the choice is to watch this or to drag an ungrateful prick of an alpaca around a field then I know which made me feel less rejected. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.