Bring On The End Times

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I don't know about you but once we get over the shock of having to eat each others face-meat to survive, I think the apocalypse will be pretty good fun. Just imagine the disappointment of all those fundamentalist Christians who thought they'd ascend to Heaven only to find themselves still stuck down here and forced to shit into a hole like the rest of us. What an absolute laugh that'll be. We could taunt them the way they've been taunting gay people for thousands of years. “Come on now God boy, shit in a ditch because Jesus didn't love you”. Also, fuck society. It's a piece of shit anyway. The only way that most of us are getting the deposit to buy a property is by selling off our kidneys and then renting out our arse-holes to some rich sugar daddy who insists on calling us “little piggy” in case using our real names humanises us too much for him. But with society gone and us all scrabbling around in the same old dirt it'd no longer matter which class you were born into or what cunty connections you made at your snobby piece of shit private school. All that would matter is the size of the rock in your hand, how hungry you are, and how much you like the person that's between you and that delicious looking rat. I also think it'd be nice to have a bit of structure in my life. Right now I'm sort of treading water having spent the last directionless decade achieving an impressive sweet fuck all. I like the idea of knowing that as long as I'm not being splayed open and feasted upon by a rabid hillbilly gang of cannibals by the end of each day then I might close to experiencing a sense of achievement for once. 

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Hitting Brock Bottom

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In the comic books, Venom is an alien symbiote that first attaches itself to Spider-Man before he manages to simply shake it off like it's a bit of bird shit. Like a jilted lover, the symbiote then makes its way over to Eddie Brock, one of Peter Parker's less friendly colleagues, so that the two can get all up in each other and make his life as miserable as they can. Sadly, this Venom movie has a different origin story for the black goo that disappointingly doesn't involve an alien life form and an embittered journalist deciding to hate-fuck each other to upset a super-hero. The symbiote does still crash onto our planet but this time he couldn't find Spider-Man or even dare utter his fucking name because of a rights issue that literally nobody in the world seems to understand. Is this film part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe because Spider-Man now seems to be and isn't Venom one of his most famous enemies? Sony seems to think it is, with producer Amy Pascal essentially implying as much in an interview with Marvel honcho Kevin Feige. Except to confuse the issue slightly is the fact that as she said this, Feige just happened to be demonstrating the universal facial expression for “I don't fucking think so”.

A Fuel-Injected Suicide Machine

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My car tyre burst when I was in a scummy area called Birkenhead and I quickly found myself truly fucked. Due to my stinginess I didn't have a spare one and so had to call some nearby shop to send somebody to help me. As it turns out they sent a full-on fucking psychopath who picked me up and drove me down small suburban roads at about 60mph whilst detailing his plans for a new civil war. Genuinely. He’d been out of prison for seven days and already he was planning a revolution in which 'the whites fight all the blacks'. He believed that foreigners were coming over and stealing all of our jobs to the point were he told me 'I don't blame my kids for being fucking drug dealers'. I had never been so terrified in my entire life. He asked me if I knew any shortcuts between where I'd been stranded and where we were going which I sadly didn’t- “How da fuck do you expect to get away from da police if you don't know your short cuts?!” was his response. The Mad Max franchise might consist of adrenaline fuelled action films in which nutters drive through desolate areas at high-speeds, but it hasn't got shit on being helped by an ex-convict from a working class town in the North of England. I literally shat myself.