Bringing The World Together

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We live on a planet that has a whole range of variety within the unique personalities of our dominant species. Some people are smart and so will like Independence Day: Resurgence because it's unpretentiously big and dumb. Other people will probably like it however simply because they themselves are unpretentiously big and dumb. I saw the movie at the cinema last night and at its very opening, some text appeared on screen saying “West Virginia” so that we could identify the setting. Of course most of us will know West Virginia as an eastern U.S. state however this alone seemed to confuse some teenagers in our audience who loudly questioned, “What's West Vagina?” I mean, usually if I'm at the cinema and people make enough noise to make me aware that they're not dead then I start to get angry. Only the other day there was a gang of teenaged wank-drippings that fucking waffled all the way through a movie that had me so pissed off that I suspect that I probably left a little anus-stamp of blood on my seat. If I had a claw-hammer then I'd have happily gone to the back of their row and played their empty skulls like a human fucking xylophone. 

Why You Should See Gods Of Egypt

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As an agnostic I was always open-minded to the possibility of an afterlife, and miracles, and all of that other religious bollocks. I just needed proof. Well after almost three decades of existence I have finally been given the definitive answer as to where that truth lies. There is a God and I can only assume that he's a very fucking angry one. Previously we'd be subject to plagues and famines if we pissed our unprovable overlords off, however our modern deity has a new form of punishment. Although we might expect to see our rivers turning red with blood, we instead now find our cinemas polluted with shit. Because Gods Of Egypt was so truly terrible, I refuse to believe that a mere human was capable of making it. It's one of those movies that's actually so confusingly awful that you genuinely run the risk of losing your grasp on reality whilst watching it. I mean, we went to see this at the cinema and subsequently burst out two hours later completely confused that it was still the same day that we'd gone in. It was as if that screening was the wardrobe that led to Narnia and we all thought we'd lived a lifetime in there before being blinded by that same day's sun as though we were staring up at the fucking mothership from Close Encounters. Gods Of Egypt was like a bad night out drinking in that you don't remember what happened but you're certain that you didn't have fun and you know that your IQ has dropped as a result.

Heroes In A Half Film

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Having been born during the arse end of the 80's, I spent my toddling years being shunted around a variety of Ninja Turtle-themed childrens' birthday parties. Although, don't ask me what made that franchise so popular at the time. I suppose with both their mutated green skin and the hardened shell-like tumours on their back, the Ninja Turtles were simply a great way to prepare us for the possibility of a nuclear attack. Anyway, a close chum of mine experienced a similarly green social life at that age with him even being lucky enough to have an actual cake made for him which featured one of the titular heroes in its design. The problem was that the food colouring required to make the cake bright green fucked with his body and unintentionally turned his shit the same colour. To be fair, if my cold war theory is correct then nothing is going to prepare a young child more for the reality of living in a nuclear wasteland than discovering that they've just shat out a glowing green turd. Sadly, as much as I'd like to say that that was the biggest Ninja Turtle related shit to be released into the world, I can't. Not now that I've seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows, anyway.

Why I Still Love Duncan Jones

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It's so easy to write something mean-spirited after seeing a bad film. I mean, I would quite literally rather be punched in the balls than see Transformers: Dark Of The Moon again. Director Michael Bay has been compared to Hitler on more than one occasion, which I think has always seemed a little harsh on Hitler. Obviously Uncle Adolf's actions were slightly more devastating to the world, but at least he had the excuse of clearly being a mental bastard. Plus, you get the feeling with Hitler that at least he was passionate about all of the evil things that he did. When talking about his career, Bay said “Why do I work so hard- to think I'm only going to see this movie five times and never see it again 'cause I'm so sick of it? What is it worth, honestly?” Well, 'a little bit of whatever soul he has left' I guess is the answer to that. Bashing people like Bay is therapeutic because as well as being solidly shite, his movies are also completely cynical. Thousands of kids are paying good money to watch a hollow film based on their toys that's fucking loaded with pure misogyny and racism and exists for the single purpose of taking their cash.

Eggs And Tomatoes Are As Rotten As The World

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I really fucking wanted some scrambled eggs the other day but I knew that if I attempted to make any, I'd end up running late. Would it really be worth it? ...Almost definitely not. Anyway, so now I'm driving as quickly as I legally can with a lovely fresh bowl of scrambled egg sat next to me in the passenger seat of my car. My plan to eat the thing each time I was sat at the traffic lights was scuppered however when a little old lady pulled out in front of me and I had to hit my brakes. The car slowed with a little more force than I'd hoped for and my fucking eggs slid right out of the bowl and onto the floor. Being that the only reason I was now running late was because I was hungry, I decided to give them a try anyway. I mean, it was the passenger side floor that they'd landed on, and right at the back of the footwell, too... How dirty can that bit really be? I was barely through my first bite before I had to spit out a god-damned pebble. Here's a little tip that you might not have considered until now: don't eat scrambled eggs off the fucking floor.

Why I liked X-Men: Apocalypse

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Right now it seems that most of the reviews have treated X-Men: Apocalypse as though they're Scum's Ray Winstone by casually walking up to it, clobbering it in the face with a sock full of snooker balls and screaming “I'm the daddy now!” This was obviously both a surprise and a shame because up until now all of Bryan Singer's X-Men movies had been brilliant. Before he turned up with his fuck-off adrenaline needle, comic-book movies were essentially just lying on the floor like a dying crack-head with blood pouring out of its nose. With both X-Men and X-Men 2, he delivered the shot to the heart that's ultimately lead to comic book movies being conceived and shat out at a faster rate than Mickey Rourke can go through new faces. As a huge fan of this series I went into the screening with a combination of both hesitation and optimism. Although it was those same two feelings that I went into Batman V Superman with before leaving three hours later with a deadness to my eyes that suggested I'd just done a tour of fucking 'Nam.

Why The World Needs SuperBob

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Generally when a British film is made for basically no money, it'll feature an actor whose intensity and regional accent have been dialled up to eleven. Or as they'd say in one of Ken Loach's gritty films, 'dialled up t'eleven'. Oh and by the time of the credits you'll probably want to fucking kill yourself. I mean, don't get me wrong.. I do love movies like Dead Man's Shoes, Hunger, and Nil By Mouth, but they're not exactly 'Friday night fun with pizza and mates' type films are they? Well not unless you're mates with Jeffrey fucking Dahmer, anyway. I have seen one film recently though that was made for slightly less than a packet of Jaffa Cakes and also didn't have me sucking on the car exhaust by the time of the credits. SuperBob tells the story of the world's first ever super-hero who, like Superman, has a variety of amazing powers. Unlike Superman however, Bob is an ex-postman who developed his gifts by being twatted on the back of the head by a falling meteor whilst walking in a park in Peckham. Not to damn it with shite praise but unless the film ends with Bob screaming 'Martha, Martha, Martha' for no fucking reason, then it already sounds like a better story than Batman V Superman.

Gerard Butler Is Secretly Evil

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Here's a piece of trivia that not many of you might know about Gerard Butler... Even though he seems to be biologically similar to a medieval cave-dweller, before becoming an actor he was, in fact, almost a lawyer. Despite the fact that on film he might come across like a lobotomised Scottish troll, he was President of the Law Society at the University Of Glasgow where he graduated with Honours before going on to become a trainee civil lawyer. However he sadly stumbled at the last hurdle when one week before receiving his full certification he was fired for excelling in his national sport of alcoholism. It seems that no matter how much education you put into a man's head, you just can't seem take the Scottish out of it. Although initially wanting to make a living from upholding the law, he has subsequently turned to a life of evil with his latest film London Has Fallen being the most recent of his many atrocities. I suppose you could point out that Olympus Has Fallen was pretty terrible in that it was essentially a shitty remake of Die Hard as filtered through the mind of a feverishly patriotic American moron. In which case how bad can this sequel really be? I mean if Olympus Has Fallen was a disease then it'd be spinal cancer and what could possibly be worse than spinal cancer? The answer... London Has Fallen.

A Film About Depression?

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For me, Captain America: Civil War is one giant multi-million dollar metaphor for depression. The Avengers are being pressured into signing up to a contract in which they submit themselves to Earth's various Governments like a gang of gimped-up, pocket-holding, prison bitches. Tony Stark is all up for this deal having spent the previous few films allowing his post-tits-up guilt to begin to torture him as though his brain is hosting a party for a pencil-stabbing dominatrix and a naughty British MP on his birthday. Captain America however is slightly more dubious about signing up to a sinister organisation having been Deliverance-style fucked by the S.H.I.E.L.D/Hydra bullshit of his previous film. The two characters begin to bicker and fight with all of their various super-chums picking sides as though we're watching a gay couple's divorce take place in an exclusively camp fancy-dress shop. It's also worth mentioning that Bucky Barnes' Winter Soldier is a key player here with Stark wanting him captured and Cap attempting to protect him. Many people might wonder why Captain America is so hell-bent on protecting his clearly dangerous friend however if I was a seventy year old virgin then I reckon I'd also remain pretty loyal to a man with a pneumatic metal wanking arm.

King Of The Swingers

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The 1967 Disney adaptation of The Jungle Book tells the story of a young boy who is raised by animals having been either abandoned or lost in the wild by his actual parents. Kind of like how children are brought up in Toxteth. In this story, the boy befriends the animals who all conveniently speak one unifying language that appears to transcend the distinctions between species. This can only really lead me to believe that either the animals have never attempted to build a Babel-esque tower towards God, or more likely the kid has gone feral with this whole story simply being a psychotic episode that takes place inside his demented head. I know it looks like he's dancing with a cuddly bear but in reality he's probably dying of some infection whilst marking his territory by shitting up a wall. The problem for him is that his brain is telling him that he should return home by having him hallucinate a killer tiger and having his panther mate tell him to piss off back to his village. The whole thing is a chase movie really, as the tiger wants to prevent him returning to the safety of humanity by killing the boy before he can become a man. Although a better move would be to let him get back to his village, wait until everyone has died of all the various diseases that the boy has caught in the jungle, and then just finishing off the stragglers.

A Kid With A Gift

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I was at the gym the other day when I saw a kid with such an extraordinary gift that it left me a little startled. I always find it a bit strange when there are children there because there's also a militant group of old men that insist on wandering around the changing rooms with their tiny wrinkled knobs out and for a much longer time than is ever necessary. On an average day the place is like a gay sauna, but when you throw some children into the mix then it's suddenly like walking into a feast during ancient fucking Greece. So this kid ended up changing next to me and I swear I didn't mean to see anything, but despite only being about eleven years old, skinny, and fairly short... I promise that his cock was about seven fucking inches long. I mean, I've literally never seen anything so fucking strange in my life. The whole thing really threw me. Obviously I'm no expert but don't children usually have little maggoty-looking cat-dick type things? I wanted to find his parents and congratulate them. Most of the creepy old men in there have dicks that look like somebodies mangled a bit of belly-pork in a wooden door, whereas this kid... he's still got years of puberty to go and yet already he has some Ron Jeremy-esque fucking meat-slammer dragging along the ground.

A Terrible Vision

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People rightly moan that there aren't enough female directors working in Hollywood which seems to be a problem that the Wachowskis are single-handedly trying to solve themselves. A few weeks ago, and before it was announced that Andy had transitioned into Lilly, a friend asked if it was me who'd told him that one of the Coen Brothers had had a sex change. I thought for a second before responding that it wasn't, but I may have told him that one of the Wachowski's had. “Oh” he said, “that makes more sense”. I asked why he was asking to which he answered “Because I was watching an interview with the Coens the other day and I was trying to work out which one of them it was”. He then paused before concluding “I wondered why they both had fucking beards”. Well, to quote The Kinks, “it's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world”. If turning into Martha from Arthur will make a person happy, but doesn't involve somebody then having to drag a fat girl out of a lake and remove a moth from her throat, then who are we to judge? However, as acceptable as it is for a person to surgically alter their sexual organs, I draw the line at video-games that attempt to become films and films that attempt to become video-games. This all leads me to Hardcore Henry which now joins The Boy and Daddy's Home as films I've seen this year that definitely sound like they're going to be gay pornos.

My Big Fat Waste Of Time

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My Big Fat Greek Wedding is a little like that boring couple that you meet whilst on holiday. I didn't like them at the time and I never wanted to see them again. It's been fourteen years since that film was released and in all honesty I figured that the world had completely forgotten about it. What was its story again? I'm guessing the title is a clue but in terms of details, that movie has disappeared from memory like a fart in the wind. I mean, 2002 was a long time ago and a lot has happened since then. Mickey Rourke has gone through more faces than a two-headed Scooby Doo villain; Woody Allen has made over thirty-five comeback movies; and the world's economy performed an unbeatable tribute to Princess Diana by crashing hard. Throughout enduring all of that chaos though, I don't remember a single person asking for a sequel to the original movie. Then again nor do I remember anybody asking for several outbreaks of foot and mouth disease over the last decade. However like a field full of burning, diseased farm animals, we're now faced with the reality of My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 and as with both cases I found myself compelled to pop along to experience the devastation.

I Think We're Alone Now

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You know how everybody loves surprises? Well a few months ago I was unexpectedly treated to a meal that despite actually being a surprise itself subsequently resulted in a little surprise of its own. It caused me to shit my entire stomach out as a liquid. I took pills to try to calm the constant flow of anal-pissing but this just left me with the opposite problem. I didn't do a single crap for the next eight straight days. I mean, that's not normal, is it? I started to genuinely worry that I was eventually going to expand, contract, and then explode like a dying sun of stink-juice. Shortly after this the world was sucker-punched in the tits by the release of a trailer for 10 Cloverfield Lane. "What the fuck is this?!" we all thought. In a world of fat internet nerds with a need for pop-culture gossip to help endure the reload time between tossing off, it's almost impossible to keep things a complete secret. And yet here we are. Eight years on from the release of Cloverfield, some sort of movie had been completely made without anybody suspecting a thing. The real question therefore was what kind of surprise would this new movie be? A nice one like that lovely meal that I was treated to.. or a not-so-nice-one like the next day of being battered to death by the back-door trots?

Are You Team Fan Or Team Critic?

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In many ways I think that we humans are essentially just an over-evolved gang of mentally deficient pack animals. Sports fans hate the fans of a rival team, mods hate rockers, Bible-bashers hate common sense, and bigots hate anybody with a skin shade darker than that of a shaven wookie. Just look at Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice and you'll see this in almost every aspect of it. The marketing asked us if we were 'Team Batman' or 'Team Superman' to which I couldn't help but align myself with 'Team Not A Teenaged Fucking Girl'. Even before this though, and simply at the announcement of the movie, the internet insisted that you had to be on the side of either DC or Marvel. In the way that this became a thing, you'd think it'd be impossible to enjoy a film without giving a solitary shit about the publishing rights of the characters' original incarnation. It's like living in an alternate world in which literary adaptations bring in the biggest audience and being asked to pick between Team Penguin Books or Team Faber and fucking Faber.

The Times They Are A-Changin'?

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When the studio system was in place, Hollywood would control almost every aspect of their stars' public life. The deal was that they'd give you your fame and in exchange you'd spend the next few years wearing a metaphorical ball-gag whilst your soul was being fucked like Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction. When your business is investing in the popularity of a famous face then I guess you want to ensure that people don't find out that they're actually murderers, perverts or worse.. single mothers. Things are a little different now as you're probably aware. Whereas once we were presented with the squeaky clean idealisation of what we should aspire to, we now instead get Charlie Sheen drinking tiger blood whilst stoned on a rooftop. It's easy to look back on those older days with nostalgia and lament the fact that society has since gone to shit. People from yesteryear got actors like Gone With The Wind's Clarke Gable with their sophisticated charm and dapper personalities and what do we have? Mel Gibson's racist rants and David Carradine hanging from his cock in a cupboard.

If Only The Forest Would Get Lost

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Do you know when your night out is ruined by the fact that drinking alcohol turns everybody into a massive raging fucknugget? Well in many ways The Forest is the cinematic equivalent of the morning after. You're aware that you didn't exactly have a good time but it kind of doesn't matter because you've already started to forget the whole thing even happened. To quickly summarise the plot before the film's entire existence fades into obscurity, Natalie Dormer plays two identical twins with one of them getting lost in some creepy Japanese suicide forest and the other going in to find her. You can tell them apart because of Dormer's acting ability here, in which the director had so much faith that he thought he'd dye the twins hair a different colour. Obviously the sister that's on the hunt for the other is aware that her missing sibling is still alive due to the film's insistence that all twins share a special psychic connection. This is obviously a coincidence because, like all twins that claim to share a psychic connection, the film is also total crap.

Bloody Bold And Resolute?

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Since studying Macbeth in primary school I can't help but observe how fucking dull our current Royal Family is. Macbeth is about one mad bastard's grab for power after some local hags have put the idea into his head and his wife has started nagging him. Sure their ambitions might cause them to get a little stabby as they both turn into a couple of kill-crazy fucknuggets, but at least they're doing something interesting. I mean don't get me wrong.. I'm aware that Charles also became heir to the thrown whilst covered in blood, but that wasn't so much due to a violent battle as it was having just been birthed out of the Queen's vagina. Throughout this story Macbeth and Lady Macbeth succumb to their own bat-shittery until all around them are disillusioned, dead, or seeking revenge, but at least they've obviously been busy. The only thing that people tell me our current Royal Family do is to help bring in the tourism, but how do they do that? In this version of Macbeth the title character draws a crowd by setting an entire family on fire for no good reason and yet I've never even seen our Queen even take a fucking selfie.

Blandest Film Of The Year So Far?

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It is a truth universally acknowledged that today's youth are total fucking idiots. Or at least some of them are. Well, one to be specific.. I've recently become friends with a chap in his late teens that's sadly been raised on a diet of religion and the mainstream media to the point that he's become what Toy Story's Mr Potato Head might refer to as an “uncultured swine”. In the wake of Bowie's tragic demise I decided to play Under Pressure to my friend in an attempt to educate him on what the world had just lost. “Who's this song by?” he asked, “Is it Jedward?” ...I mean, 'is it fucking Jedward'? Bowie's body wasn't even cold and I could hear him spinning in his fucking grave. However at a mere twenty-seven years old, I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't a few things that had fallen between the cracks for me too. As a result, Pride And Prejudice And Zombies is literally my first ever exposure to the works of Jane Austen. Is that bad? It's bad, isn't it?! Well, blame my parent I suppose! Blame my school, and fuck it.. blame me too if you like. Although it's worth noting that my young friend also thought that a double cheeseburger was called a 'double cheeseburger' because it contained double fucking cheese. So you know.. let's keep things in perspective!

Is Deadpool As Subversive As It Seems?

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Like my chunky bitch of an ex-girlfriend, Deadpool wants to have its cake and eat it. So in the case of the film, this means that you're meant to think that it's anarchic and subversive despite it being made by the studio that it's pretending to rebel against. As a result with Deadpool, you do get plenty of swearing and some friendly digs at the X-Men franchise, but you never get anything that's devastatingly deconstructive of the genre due to who's holding the money. It's like a whore that advertises themselves as the dirty little bitch that'll do anything whilst still having to check with their pimp before agreeing to wank off a donkey. Particularly if donkey wanking might cause problems for any future business or cross-franchise pollination. For example, people think that the Bond films became gritty because they attempted to catch up to the real world relevance of Jason Bourne. However I think it's actually because that franchise was well and truly destroyed by Austin Powers, who sent up the 007 formula so effectively that Bond, like all of his dead girlfriends, became absolutely fucked. Was Deadpool good fun? Yes. But do you really think that the superhero genre is now going to struggle to continue in its current format? Of course not! This is slightly more complicated than my ex who would more simply just like to have had some of her cake left after having already shoved the whole thing into her fat stupid face. Bitch.

Is This A Hollow Victory?

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13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers Of Benghazi has to be one of the worst fucking titles ever. I mean, what does it even refer to?! '13 Hours' sounds to me like it's the first instalment of a shitty new Young Adult franchise. Or does '13 Hours' simply refer to the running time of the movie, because that's how long it fucking felt like. In fact, here's a better title for this movie- how about 'Another American Balls Up'? Based on a true story, the film is about an American security team that find themselves lost up Shit Creek after a U.S Ambassador is killed by a mob in his Libyan-based compound. Considering this is a touchy subject that's constantly being used as a political football, I'm sure you can imagine the calibre of director that would be required to tell the story. Could it be Paul Greengrass, Kathryn Bigelow, Oliver Stone, Clint Eastwood, or maybe even Ben Affleck? No. Fuck them. Let's get Michael Bay to do it. It's not like his films are always total shit... just look at Pearl Harbour! That film clearly understood the nuance's of history, hence Roger Ebert's classic review of it being about how “the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle”.

De Niro And The Meaning Of Life

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Do you believe in the power of karma? If so then you're a fucking idiot. I hate to be the bearer of obvious news, but there's no fairness to our existence. Do you want to know the ingredients of life? Simply take one giant God-free bowl of chaos and chance, make sure to throw in plenty of randomness, and then mix it all together with as much bullshit as you can get your hands on. The only way that you could possibly fall for the notion of karma would be if you failed to notice that every single person experiences nothing beyond a relentless cycle of ups and down. Hitler might have been a bad person but even he was lucky enough to get a girlfriend. Although of all the honeymoons I've heard of, I can't say I'm too jealous of them nipping outside the bunker to shoot each other in the fucking head. But you know, fuck it.. I haven't got a girlfriend, and beyond enjoying the occasional Mel Gibson movie, I've not done anything even remotely as bad as the holocaust. This all brings me nice and neatly to the subject of Robert De Niro.