Another Drop Kick To The Heart

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Pixar films are great because you can take a first date to see one and if they're not in floods of tears by the end then you know they're likely to be a fucking sociopath and you're in danger. Not that I go on many dates, of course. The only chance I have to meet people is through Tinder and recently I've been left swiping on everyone like a motherfucker because I've started getting off on the idea of being the one that rejects them for a fucking change. So even though Pixar's latest Onward is quite clearly a children's film, I ended up going to see it alone. Which is fine. I'm aware that in a row of parent, child, parent, child, parent, child, me, that I must look like a nonce. But I also don't want people disturbing me when I'm at the cinema and so I'm quite happy to have children be told not to go near “the bad man”. Still. I probably shouldn't be getting my dick out even if it is just to maintain that illusion. I went into this movie pretty blind having avoided all trailers and reviews and so I wasn't sure what it was going to be about. As it turns out it's a fantasy film that takes place in a world that's relatably our own but where magic is treated as being part of the mundane. Imagine The Lord Of The Rings but if the Hobbits were stopping every few miles to brag about how many steps that their fucking Fitbits were up to. Or the Narnia movies if Edmond had to ram his fingers down his throat because he'd eaten too much Turkish Delight and his Instagram followers were commenting that he was becoming a fat prick.

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The 1967 Disney adaptation of The Jungle Book tells the story of a young boy who is raised by animals having been either abandoned or lost in the wild by his actual parents. Kind of like how children are brought up in Toxteth. In this story, the boy befriends the animals who all conveniently speak one unifying language that appears to transcend the distinctions between species. This can only really lead me to believe that either the animals have never attempted to build a Babel-esque tower towards God, or more likely the kid has gone feral with this whole story simply being a psychotic episode that takes place inside his demented head. I know it looks like he's dancing with a cuddly bear but in reality he's probably dying of some infection whilst marking his territory by shitting up a wall. The problem for him is that his brain is telling him that he should return home by having him hallucinate a killer tiger and having his panther mate tell him to piss off back to his village. The whole thing is a chase movie really, as the tiger wants to prevent him returning to the safety of humanity by killing the boy before he can become a man. Although a better move would be to let him get back to his village, wait until everyone has died of all the various diseases that the boy has caught in the jungle, and then just finishing off the stragglers.