Okay, so I'll say right now that it's going
to be a pain in the tits to discuss Ender's Game without spoiling
anything. The entire point of the film is more or less revealed during
its conclusion which pretty much makes it a proper bollock-ache to talk about.
Anybody who’s seen the masterpiece that is A Serious Man will know
exactly what I mean by this... anyone who hasn't needs to sort their lives out
and see it right the-fuck away. If you've not seen Ender's Game yet then
don't worry because I'm like a smack-addict were blog hits are concerned and so
will write this to suit everybody. I know you didn't need to know this but just
like when Lucius Fox invented a cure to the Scarecrows fear toxin, I just want
you to be aware of the fucking effort that I'm putting in.
So I guess we should get the controversy
out of the way at the beginning... Orson Scott Card is the author of the
original book that the new film Ender's Game is based on and he's a
cunt. As it turns out he's a massive fucking homophobe who seems to have upset
quite a few people with his stupidly shit views on same sex relations. To sum
them up, he basically doesn't like the idea of people rubbing their matching
genitals up against each other and that those who do “cannot
be permitted to remain as acceptable, equal citizens within that society." He's also a full-on God botherer which I assume must be where this
twattish outlook is coming from. Personally I couldn't give a turd about what
the guy thinks because I really couldn't give a turd about him... but if I have
to pick between the bullshit morals of an unproven God or the acceptance of ‘real
love between two real humans’ then I'm afraid that the magical sky-man can go
fuck himself. Sadly though, by disillusioning so many people, several groups
have been loudly shouting for us to boycott the movie adaptation of this
demented twat’s book. Despite this though, and as much as I can understand
their anger, I guess this is a stance that I can't really condone either as I
do believe that you really need to separate the art form the artist. Polanski's
Chinatown is a masterpiece but that doesn't mean the film in anyway
endorses the director’s previous hobby of doping up kids and then fucking them
up the arse. I actually do have some advice on how to get around this problem
but I'll save it until the end because firstly, this paragraph is getting way
too long and secondly I can never think how to end these blogs. Anyway so
prepare yourself for paragraph three where I think I'll talk about the films
plot.
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| "So.. I see you're a scrawny slab of nothing..." |
Ever the man of my word, the films plot takes place in the slightly distant future when an alien race has invaded
Earth. In the book, the creatures are referred to as 'buggers' although thankfully
because not everybody is a gay hating arse-maggot, that's not the case here.
Luckily for us the alien invasion is halted when a heroic pilot flies straight
into their Queen's mothership and suicide-bombs the shit out of her. Just like
every other alien movie, it seems that despite their vast numbers all you have
to do to kill them all is simply kill off their boss. If that is the case and you're an alien race that's smart
enough to master intergalactic space travel then maybe next time leave the
fucking Queen safely at home, hey? If my life depended solely on the survival
of another then I'd have them securely locked up in my basement Joseph
Fritzl-style and not paraded about in a war zone like a massive neon retard.
Anyway a few years later we war-mongering humans are pretty paranoid that the
aliens will soon return but with the advantage of now being fully pissed off.
To prepare for this a scheme has been implemented in which kids that may prove
useful are located and trained up to become child soldiers. I'm not sure who
thought this would be a good idea but it's nice to see that America will
eventually adopt the militaristic policies of Joseph Kony. Anyway, so at Battle
School a lanky kid named Ender is discovered who, despite having legs that seem
to go all the way up to his shoulders, is quickly believed to be “The One”. Although
I've seen so many films about “The One” now that the term’s exclusivity seems
to have been completely raped into meaninglessness. Because of this, Ender is
therefore put through a series of rigorous tests to determine whether or not he
can save us from being buggered by the buggers. After their initial defeat the
aliens are still weak and yet to retaliate and so our plan is therefore to find
a way of heroically kicking the shit out of them whilst they are both down and
still vulnerable.
Okay so despite all the controversy, the
main thing to say about this film is that regardless of all the clichés I
actually thought it was really good. I hadn't read the book, I didn't really
remember the trailers and if anything I went in thinking that it probably wouldn't
be worthy of Harrison Ford's nerdgasmic, sci-fi legacy. Well, I came out still
thinking that too, to be honest, but although this might not be Blade Runner
or Star Wars, that's not to say he doesn't elevate the thing by
simply turning up. For the most part, the film is just Harry Potter in
space where our fate depends on the adventures of some pale young gonk as he attends
a suspiciously paedophile-free but magical boarding school. There's even a
gravity-free room here in which everybody floats about playing a dumbed down
version of Quidditch. Although considering that the rules of actual Quidditch
are about as complicated as a Victorian tarts’ anal pubes, this is really no
bad thing. However, what is predominantly an averagely good film is
donkey-punched into being a hell of a lot more interesting by a game-changing
last act twist. Ender's Game deals with the morality of war, what it
means to be human, the battle between ethics and victory, the merits of
genocide and the theft of childhood. For a film that's based on the works of
such a prejudiced fuckwit there is also a surprisingly blatant theme of
tolerance present here as well. Like Starship Troopers before it,
Ender's Game is further proof that a book shat out of a twats mind can
still make an unrelatedly entertaining movie.
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| "You're the fucking problem you fucking Dr. White honkin' jam-rag fucking spunk-bubble!" |
Starring in the lead role of Ender is Asa
Butterfield who has to have the dandiest fucking name I've ever heard. However
considering the complexity of the character, he doesn't do too badly for
someone so young. Not only does Ender have the burden of humanities survival
resting on his frail cracker shoulders but he's also got his own sanity to deal
with as he tries to decide whether he's a leader or a sociopath. I won't say
he's great in the role but other than a de-pubified DeNiro, I think a lot of
people would struggle with such a range. Like I said before, Harrison Ford is
as great as you'd expect him to be, being both stubborn and sort of
understandable despite the curse of a fairly two dimensional character. There's
a bunch of other kids too but most of them are fairly forgettable leaving only
a vague memory of irritation. The girl from True Grit was alright I
guess but as a devout hater of children I'd still keep her shackled up in an
attic until she was old enough to be interesting. Viola Davis is somebody
that's usually really good but was given fairly little to do beyond argue
ethics with Harrison Ford and then storm out like a trampled wife whose
realised the dinner is burning. This therefore only leaves Ben Kingsley to
leave an impression which is obviously achieved when he opens his mouth and
reveals the random fucking accent of the week that he's been playing with. It's
also amusing to see that despite the extremism of his Darth Maul-style face
tattoos, Sir Ben is still maintaining that bald head and goatee combo that he's
been rocking since the dawn of time.
I guess the only thing left to mention is
the action and quality of special effects which here are both capable and
engaging. I mention the effects only because director Gavin Hood’s previous
film was X-men Origins: Wolverine which looked so bad it was like the CG
had been shat out of a pixel factory during national 'fuck-up at work day'. It
also goes without saying that Ender's Game is significantly better
written than Hood’s previous film although that's probably obvious considering
that a fat man could produce a better script if he farted a few pebbles across
a keyboard. I was a little confused about why they were rearing child soldiers
when adults could just as easily do the job. However, because I'm in a generous
mood I'll assume that must be because I missed something and not because the
film didn't explain enough as to why this was the case. The action is as
engaging as any half decent action film ever is although it does lack the
jizzy-rainbow of imagination that made Pacific Rim such an artistic
twat-hammer to the eyes.
I understand that people don't want to see
this film because they don't want their hard earned cash going into the
original authors grubby, hate-filled pockets, but due to its brain, discussions
on morality, themes of tolerance and Harrison-fucking-Ford I do think that the
film deserves to be seen. The news hitting the web right now suggests that Card
won't receive a penny of the films profits which, if true, is surely enough of
a reason to at least not intentionally boycott it anyway. If however that's
still not enough for you then here is my potential solution that I promised you
earlier on. Say you spend about £9ish on a cinema ticket then why not also/instead
simply post a steaming pile of dog shit to Card’s house? That way you get to
see the film and he'll spend the money he may have made on carpet cleaner and
air-freshener. Maybe this doesn't sound harsh enough considering that he
basically has a Hitler-esque hate for a large portion of members of our species, however
there was this one time that my dog sprayed a chocolaty soup of shite onto the
kitchen floor that was so fucking rancid that cleaning it up caused my Dad to
unexpectedly expel a mouthful of vomit down himself. I promise you that
watching that was both the funniest and lowest moment of my entire life. Ugh,
see even after setting myself up for an easy end this still doesn't feel
conclusive enough because that last bit wasn't really about the film. I guess
therefore I'll just give up and say that the next sentence will be the actual
end of this week’s blog. And ever the man of my word, it is.
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
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