I Think We're Alone Now

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You know how everybody loves surprises? Well a few months ago I was unexpectedly treated to a meal that despite actually being a surprise itself subsequently resulted in a little surprise of its own. It caused me to shit my entire stomach out as a liquid. I took pills to try to calm the constant flow of anal-pissing but this just left me with the opposite problem. I didn't do a single crap for the next eight straight days. I mean, that's not normal, is it? I started to genuinely worry that I was eventually going to expand, contract, and then explode like a dying sun of stink-juice. Shortly after this the world was sucker-punched in the tits by the release of a trailer for 10 Cloverfield Lane. "What the fuck is this?!" we all thought. In a world of fat internet nerds with a need for pop-culture gossip to help endure the reload time between tossing off, it's almost impossible to keep things a complete secret. And yet here we are. Eight years on from the release of Cloverfield, some sort of movie had been completely made without anybody suspecting a thing. The real question therefore was what kind of surprise would this new movie be? A nice one like that lovely meal that I was treated to.. or a not-so-nice-one like the next day of being battered to death by the back-door trots?