A Film About Depression?

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For me, Captain America: Civil War is one giant multi-million dollar metaphor for depression. The Avengers are being pressured into signing up to a contract in which they submit themselves to Earth's various Governments like a gang of gimped-up, pocket-holding, prison bitches. Tony Stark is all up for this deal having spent the previous few films allowing his post-tits-up guilt to begin to torture him as though his brain is hosting a party for a pencil-stabbing dominatrix and a naughty British MP on his birthday. Captain America however is slightly more dubious about signing up to a sinister organisation having been Deliverance-style fucked by the S.H.I.E.L.D/Hydra bullshit of his previous film. The two characters begin to bicker and fight with all of their various super-chums picking sides as though we're watching a gay couple's divorce take place in an exclusively camp fancy-dress shop. It's also worth mentioning that Bucky Barnes' Winter Soldier is a key player here with Stark wanting him captured and Cap attempting to protect him. Many people might wonder why Captain America is so hell-bent on protecting his clearly dangerous friend however if I was a seventy year old virgin then I reckon I'd also remain pretty loyal to a man with a pneumatic metal wanking arm.

He Handled It

I know it makes me a horrible person and for a change I honestly mean no offense, but meaty limb-stumps are something that I just can't cope with. In fact I was recently watching the British daytime show This Morning when they featured a man on it who had actually had a hand transplant. Now don't get me wrong, this does show how miraculous science can be, but fuck me it was horrible. I mean, the poor bloke had somehow lost his original hand, doctors had stuck on some dead guys in its place and I can see how amazing it was that he could slightly control it. But firstly, it was the wrong skin colour, secondly, it was too big, and thirdly, it was stitched on in such a crude horror-movie type way that you'd assume the surgeon had trained by watching bloopers from Frankenstein. I wouldn't touch a dead body if I found one so I certainly wouldn't want bits of it sewn onto me. Given the choice, I would much rather go for having a hook over some random corpses wanking claw. Not only that but the feature was obliviously summed up by the host who couldn't have chosen a poorer choice of words if she'd tried. In conclusion to a story about a man who now owns a dead guys hand, Holly Willoughby genuinely described the issue as “gripping”.

Thankfully though, the Marvel Cinematic Universe has come up with a better solution than turning amputees into Boris Karloff. The plot for Iron Man 3 centres around an experiment which can completely regrow missing limbs with only the smallest of catches... If it goes wrong there's a chance you'll heat up by thousands of degrees and explode like a massive burning cunt. Obviously this becomes an issue for Tony Stark who suspects these fleshy blood-bombs might be a result of a new super-terrorist known as the Mandarin. Quickly things escalate for Stark who discovers asking a tooled up nutter to come and attack him might not be the most sensible of moves. Like a menstrual interior designer, the Mandarin calmly responds to this threat and bombs Tony's house into oblivion leaving him homeless, lost and stuck with a broken suit. Too make things even more tricky, Stark is also suffering from some degree of trauma having under gone a minor case of death when previously pissing about with The Avengers and a nuclear bomb.

For this third entry in the franchise, Shane Black has been brought on to co-write and direct and for me, it's really him that makes this film what it is. Black made his name in the late eighties when he managed to sell his Lethal Weapon script whilst only just into his twenties. However, despite his youthful success making me want to puke down my tits, I actually think he may be my favourite screenwriter working in Hollywood. Although there had been films that featured friends in the past, he was really the first to successfully stick that relationship into an action movie and have the chums bicker for two hours. This was a concept that was clearly aided by Black’s genius sense of humour and ear for really sharp and witty dialogue. Although I could just copy and paste his scripts because every line is so good, I suppose one example from a previous Black film might be after a character named Gay Perry is asked  if he's still gay, “Me? No. I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it”.

In fact for me, Iron Man 3 feels like two movies brilliantly crunched together. On the one hand it is very clearly a comic book movie and on the other it is very obviously a Shane Black film. The comic-books stuff would be all the exploding robot battles and the Black stuff would be Tony Stark bickering with his mate Rhodey and occasionally smack-talking a parentless child; “Dads leave. No need to be such a pussy about it”. I think if I was ten years old, watching this film would have been like getting stabbed in the brain with a syringe of excitement. Luckily I have a mental age of about ten and so that's still exactly what this was. However instead of being overcome by joy at the sight of human tin cans blowing up it was actually Blacks script that made me giggle like some deranged Arkham inmate. I genuinely loved all the action but I'd have quite happily sacrificed it for a little more fast paced dialogue with a permanent undercurrent of shittiness to it.

There's a scene about half way through involving the Mandarin that couldn't be more Shane Black if it tried. I'm about to spoil a major twist in the film so if you've not seen it yet then I suggest you stop reading now and fuck off to the cinema to make up for lost time. For those left reading, I am of course talking about the reveal that Ben Kingsley is actually a decoy villain being played by some grotty actor called Trevor from near Croydon. I mean, reservations aside, this has got to be one of the funniest scenes in any action film ever with The Mandarin's bullshit reveal consisting of him swaggering out of the toilet and announcing, “I'd give it twenty minutes!”.

"Who a you calling a lacist?!"

At the time though, I was kind of conflicted. Although I was very definitely laughing at Trevor's sheer rattiness, I was a bit disappointed to discover that what had so far been a genuinely cool villain was actually a load of bollocks. Considering how big of a bad guy The Mandarin is in the Iron Man comics, this was a bit like having a Batman film where the Joker is comically revealed to be a manly tart who’s just overdone it with the lip-stick. However the more I've thought about it since, the less it's really bothered me. I guess my overall feeling is that Trevor becomes such a funny character that the humour he brings allows them to just about get away with it. Also by having Aldrich Killian revealed as the real Mandarin, I suppose the movie conveniently sidesteps the slightly racist Fu Manchu version from the original comic books. Although I suppose had they gone with the Chinese caricature, they could have given Mickey Rooney his most prolific acting role in about ninety years.

The only other real thing I guess that irritated me very slightly was maybe just how many of the twists had already been done in Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy. Rebecca Hall's character is a little bit like Miranda Tate in that, despite lady-parts leaking all over Stark, she's actually a bit of a baddie. Sir Ben's fake Mandarin not only dresses similarly to the fake Ra's Al Ghul but is also a decoy for the real villain of the same name. Oh and both Iron Man 3 and The Dark Knight Rises conclude with the use of something known as “the clean slate”. However there is a difference as in Iron Man 3, this device causes Stark's suits to explode whereas in the other, Batman just uses it to jib of his job in favour of travelling the world and fucking Catwoman.

The other thing that makes Iron Man 3 interesting is that it's the final film in which Robert Downey Jr is contracted to play Tony Stark. Like the rest of the world, I can't imagine anybody else doing the role as well as him but honestly this does feel like the perfect time to recast. There's a finality to the scenes here with the character arc that Stark set out on in movie one finally being fulfilled. They're going to have to recast eventually, so why not now? There's a sort of conclusion to the character with this and Downey Jr is only going to start demanding a shit load of money to come back anyway. I'm not saying that if the films make enough money to fund a small genocide that he shouldn't be entitled to some of it too. But seriously how much cash does one human really need to lead an enjoyable life? Especially one who has already given up drugs and alcohol and probably doesn't need to pay for whores. If it requires a lot of money to coax him back then maybe Marvel should just cut their losses and find someone else.

"So you need a new rocket man?"

Nobody could imagine a James Bond without Sean Connery and yet fifty years after Dr No, the franchise is still as strong as ever. Not only that but producers panicked about the loss of Connery and so threw so much money at him that despite his better judgement he returned for a few more films. Although the suave, lady-beating Scotsman could now afford all the toupee's he'd ever need, it resulted in several performances in which Bond just seemed kind of bored. Not only that but our half arsed 007 received so much money that the stunts and set pieces had to be cut down on, too. Considering that Downey Jr allegedly received over $50 million for his appearance in The Avengers alone, you've got to wonder how much he'll want in order to return and ultimately if it's worth it. Like I say, they're definitely going to have to recast at some point and this just seems like the perfect timing both financially and in terms of the story. Although we all have our differing opinions as to the future of Tony Stark, I personally think that Marvel should play it safe and completely copy the Bond franchise following their successful replacement of Sean Connery. For a proven guarantee of longevity, they should simply let Robert Downy Jr go and replace him with the presumably much cheaper Roger Moore for the next twenty-two years. As can be seen with 007, the results of this strategy already speak for itself.

Anyway, ignoring all that in-the-future crap, Iron Man Three is a really fun movie and more than makes up for the slightly crappy second instalment. I'm sure some comic book purists will be overly pissy about the cinematic depiction of one of their main villains but for those of us who have lost our virginity, what remains is simply two hours of joyous fun. It's nice too that I can also now add this to a list of my favourite Christmas films along with Die Hard, In Bruges, OHMSS and every other Shane Black film ever made. So I guess to conclude, I'll leave you with a just-about-relevant line from Black’s debut movie Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang, “I don't know if you want to see it now, but here's the fucking robot stuff for your viewing pleasure. Can I say "fuck" more?” It's a tenuous link, but sod it I'll take almost any opportunity to re-read that dialogue. 

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That Loki Fucker Will Rue The Day!

 This is a big film and thus a big blog- read on only if you have seen the film or don’t mind some minor spoilers.

Like an arrogant David Blaine, God was pretty smug about bringing Jesus back from the dead. It was a brilliant trick to be fair, but not overly impressive when compared to the miracle Joss Whedon performed in resurrecting Firefly. Serenity was a genuinely brilliant film that featured great humour, action and characters. Unfortunately though, any chances for a sequel were destroyed when the movie was only seen by about nine and a half people. Considering it made approximately £14.20 back I can't help but think Whedon would have made more money by sticking his hand down the sofa and digging around for loose change.

A Calm Jason Statham

Thankfully though, Marvel are smart people and have been matching their movies with the perfect directors. Thor required someone who could handle the camp sub-Shakespearean themes and so they hired Kenneth Branagh. For The Incredible Hulk they got Louis Leterrier, a man most famous for directing the shaven headed, rage monkey that is Jason Statham and thus a larger, greener version would surely come naturally. With The Avengers they needed someone who could not only spin a lot of plates at once but would also be able to keep all the fans happy. Short of hiring a geeky whore with a mechanized wank-hand, Joss Whedon was probably the only name that could step up to the plate and provide the nerds with so much pleasure – he did not disappoint.

Loki's Darker Days

The film starts with Loki stealing the Transformers’ Allspark and pissing off somewhere with it to cause some troublesome shit. Nick 'Motherfucking' Fury is therefore tasked with formulating a plan to defend earth from Asgard's cunning- and better looking- version of Withnail. 

Shaft Fury - Best Porno Title Ever

The one-eyed Shaft (not an innuendo) therefore spends the first half of the movie rounding up any stray heroes from previous films creating the comic-book equivalent of Super Smash Bros Melee. Basically, this is all your favourite characters in one place kicking the living fuck out of each other, but with the added bonus of a typically witty Whedon-esque script.

Helping Fury to recruit his gang is Scarlett Johansson who, for some reason, bothers travelling the world to find her target. All she'd have to do is text those leaked pictures of her arse to Bruce Banner with an address and I can guarantee it, him and his big green dick would be there in seconds. Admittedly, if he's aroused, the phrase 'Hulk smash!' would seem somewhat more intimidating, but fuck it- the world's in danger- she should take one for the team.

It's nice to be outside, sometimes.

By the time the group has formed, Loki Withnail is chilling out in a fish tank and they're all bickering like a super-gang of comic-book fannies. Whedon is on record for saying that he wanted them to behave like a dysfunctional family, however the banter is a little more like The Simpsons than the Fritzl's- I don't know what fuel is used to power the invisible plane’s furnace but I'm going to assume it's probably not German babies... apart from anything, Chinese ones are much less complicated to get hold of.

... Wind your neck in, Liz.

Like an office day-out, this film is all about the heroes learning to work together as a team but that's not to say they don't have an army to fight against, too. Like a (probably) gay passenger of the Titanic, Loki Withnail's basic plan is to become king of the world which is fine by me. If we have to have a monarch, I'd rather one that had fought for the position rather than just having been born into it. By just asking, we could have put him in a jousting tournament with the Queen. As is well documented, old Lizzie can still snap a pheasant’s neck so I'm sure she could deal with a mischievous demi-God. If Princess Diana's car crash proved anything it's that she's still shit-hot with a sniper rifle and blatantly doesn't give a fuck. 

With this in mind, the Asgardian coward wisely decided against it and so instead gathered himself a bitch-army of Aliens from the rocky planet of Uber-Bland.

The second half of this film is therefore balls-to-the-wall action. Thor hammers, Hulk smashes and Black Widow lunges vagina first like a sexy, neck snapping, face hugger. The action here is exactly the opposite of Transformers 3, with The Avengers being more character driven than cog-smashingly shite. With Michael Bay's CGI turd-fest, it's hard to care about anything that's going on because all of the characters are just like him... under-developed, clichéd and soulless.

With The Avengers however, each action ‘beat’ shows the team and how they have begun to mesh. The fighting develops their personalities and progresses the story justifying every second of screen time. There's a tracking shot near the end that zooms from hero to hero, showing each performing their individual role. Not only is it exhilaratingly brilliant, it's also basically the moment that the last few years have been building towards. This is quality, as opposed to just being an overpriced video-game cut scene from the mind of a talentless, rent-o-cunt who just wants to ‘cluster fuck’ himself onto the Sunday Times’ Richest Prick list.

Case in point...

The main reason for this costumed quality is of course that Whedon is simply not a hack director. Although his success on the big screen has been limited, this latest work contains traits that are recognisably his. For a start, the movie is truly an ensemble piece with no one character taking the lead. Obviously with Tony Stark bleeding charisma from his ex-junkie veins, there was a risk that this could unintentionally slip into becoming Iron Man and His Shadow of Forgettable Bitches. However Whedon avoids this by simply allowing the other characters to be just as interesting. Nick Fury is inevitably cooler than a polar bear’s bell-end and Jeremy Renner is as watchable here as when playing “fuck my life” with a huge cunt of a bomb in The Hurt Locker.

You see my point...

In fact, for me the new characters were the most interesting people simply because I wanted to get to know them as well as I do the others. Many people have been saying that Hulk steals the show and although for me that wasn't quite the case, he was still brilliant. Third time ‘round and they've finally got the menstrual snot-beast spot on with the simple key being to hire Mark Ruffalo. By having him physically portray and facially resemble the monster, there is a connection there that has in the past been noticeably missing. In previous cases, it was as though Chopper would fuck off for a twenty-minute cup of tea whilst some mouldy man-frog smashed shit up. Now finally we believe that Bruce Banner can steroid himself green and go on a stomping fuck-off rampage.

You can't see it but his mini-Mal is out.

Another characteristic of Mr. Whedon is to imply the threat of the film’s villain by killing someone off. Serenity 2 doesn't exist not because of financial issues, but because there's only about two fucking characters left. If he were to make it, the storyline would just be Captain Mal wanking and crying because all of his friends are dead and he's got nothing better to do. Whedon applies the same trick here too by offing an important but disposable character. I won't ruin who it is, but if you don't look like an A-list actor, chances are you’re already on borrowed time. Although the death isn't quite as emotional as when Jean Gray popped Professor X like a fucking party balloon, it is still quite a bit of a moment.

The Star-Spangled Man

The Avengers isn't a perfect film but considering the difficulties of what was required, it is the best we could have hoped for. Thor's appearance is a little sudden with the explanation smacking a little of Asgardian bullshit. I can't remember the muttered reasoning for his appearance but it may as well be that, “one jizzed oneself here by sliding down through the shiny realm of Sphincterlube”. Captain America too has had a slight suit change- in his own film, the costume served the purpose of boosting morale and acting as a kind of armour. Here however it looks a little more like he's broken into a clothes shop and stolen a range of Marvel sponsored Captain America pyjamas. I'm pretty sure it has a buttoned hatch round the back for him to do his military-approved midnight crap.

Whilst we're nitpicking, Loki Withnail's Alien army was probably slightly too devoid of any individual personality. They weren't quite cardboard cut-outs but nor did they reach the memorability of Emperor Pope-a-tines witless Stormtroopers from the good half of Star Wars.

Enough of this silliness.

I also thought the way in which people who have been possessed regain their self-awareness was a little clichéd. Although the revelation came at the end of a fight, it was only slightly more cinematic than having a glass of water chucked in their face. In some defence though, Whedon does avoid most clichés by building them up and then stifling them with his typically smart-arse put downs. Kind of like the classic Serenity quote, “We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then – explode”. His dialogue is typical of the genre but with a knowing and humorous twist.

In the end though, Whedon has managed to make a film that lives up to the hype. It's not retarded like the supposedly light Fantastic Four but nor is it as serious as the gritty Dark Knight. It's fun without being shit and serious without being depressing. I'm sure people who come straight to this film might be a little confused by some things. A gamma ray might sound like something that killed Steve Irwin and the Iron Man could be mistakenly thought to be Dennis Thatcher. However, for the rest of us with an ounce of geek in our DNA, this is the perfect blockbuster. It has thankfully been worth the wait and Whedon has proven that he really is the Pop-Culture God we all thought him to be. Also fuck yourselves, marketing people, it's The Avengers, not Avengers, Assemble! Anyone who goes to this film expecting to see Sean Connery and Uma Thurman is walking proof that Darwin was wrong.

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