A Kid With A Gift

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I was at the gym the other day when I saw a kid with such an extraordinary gift that it left me a little startled. I always find it a bit strange when there are children there because there's also a militant group of old men that insist on wandering around the changing rooms with their tiny wrinkled knobs out and for a much longer time than is ever necessary. On an average day the place is like a gay sauna, but when you throw some children into the mix then it's suddenly like walking into a feast during ancient fucking Greece. So this kid ended up changing next to me and I swear I didn't mean to see anything, but despite only being about eleven years old, skinny, and fairly short... I promise that his cock was about seven fucking inches long. I mean, I've literally never seen anything so fucking strange in my life. The whole thing really threw me. Obviously I'm no expert but don't children usually have little maggoty-looking cat-dick type things? I wanted to find his parents and congratulate them. Most of the creepy old men in there have dicks that look like somebodies mangled a bit of belly-pork in a wooden door, whereas this kid... he's still got years of puberty to go and yet already he has some Ron Jeremy-esque fucking meat-slammer dragging along the ground.

The Benefits Of Being A Slow Burner

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Do you ever have one of those evenings in which one second you're having a casual sip of alcohol and the next you're screaming abuse over some loud music and projectile vomiting up the walls? Ah, nights in are the best aren't they?! Well, in many ways the new film Bridge Of Spies is a non-aggressive version of that kind of night except it won't result in you needing a new liver or losing custody of the kids. Well, not unless you're watching it with them whilst rubbing your belly button and masturbating, anyway. So the movie began calmly, I relaxed back into my chair, and then two hours later I left the cinema having seen one of my new favourites of the year. In the same way that David Hasselhoff can't handle his drink, I had no idea that I was being affected as much as I was until the credits rolled and I could feel my sense of awe. Except in my case I'd just gone to the cinema to see a really good movie - in the Hoff's case, he was filmed trying to eat a broken burger off his bathroom floor whilst naked from the waist up. I don't know if you've seen that video of him making a complete fool of himself? Although I will say, in his defence, and as Pamela Anderson will be aware, there is more undignified footage online featuring the cast of Baywatch. It's called Baywatch.

No Expense Spared

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Now, before we go any further, I feel I should point out that I think that Jurassic Park is perfect in every single way. If you told me now that there was a movie starring Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern and Richard Attenborough then I'd have my pants off and my pop-corn ready before you even got to the title. If you then told me that the cast would then spend the bulk of the movie running away from huge dinosaurs then I'd probably just start crying due to how flawless that idea is. Sobbing whilst naked from the waist down really is the only proper way to react to a plot description of Jurassic Park. It has a fat man falling down a waterfall, a triceratops with the shits, and a sneaky, ninja T-Rex at the end. What more could anybody ever want from a movie?! The sequels decreased in quality as the franchise marched on but I'd argue that they were still never less than good. Sure Jurassic Park 3 isn't the best but it's not much worse than Jurassic Park: The Lost World. Neither films might reach the heights of the groundbreaking original but they both have their moments. The scene in which Julianne Moore falls onto a sheet of cracking glass is one of unbelievable tension, and if you don't like the idea of a dinosaur that's eaten a phone and now has his own ringtone, then I don't think we're ever going to get along. 

Stopping The Bleeding

Maybe it's a stereotype but it always seems to me like the Americans are so proud of their leaders and.. I'm not sure why. As a young English chap I couldn't give two solitary fucks about the people in charge over here as, since my birth, our Prime Ministers have all been reptiles from the planet Cunt. Oh, and the less said about the monarchy the better. It's not that I don't like the Queen as a person because, beyond being the frowny looking bitch on my money, I don't really know her. It's just that as a matter of principle, I'd much prefer to string her up from a lamp post like a wrinkled, German piñata and beat the bullshit blue blood out of her before I consider myself one of her loyal subjects. I don't mind our national anthem “God Save the Queen”, but that's only because there's no such thing as God and so I'm basically just singing, “Fuck it, she's on her own”. America however does appear to properly idolise its presidents as though they don't seem to realise that virtually every single politician is a selfish, greedy, cock wart. Having said that, I might call the Queen a scrounging, work shy twat and feel nothing but the yanks have a bad habit of taking a gun and blowing their leaders’ fucking brains out... so who can know how they really feel!?