Gerard Butler's Best Film Yet?!

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Geostorm begins with a sub-Sarah Connor-esque voice-over in which we're told that we should have been nicer to the planet before it began fucking us over with the weather. But who cares? I live in England. We've been getting fucked by the weather since time began! In fact the more extreme the weather gets, the happier we secretly are, with a good moan being one our favourite things to do after making a cup of tea and indulging in some casual racism. Anyway don't worry about all that global warming shite because Gerard Butler has designed a satellite-thing that floats around in space and can manipulate the weather in order to prevent any potential disasters. And let's face it.. if Gerard Butler can solve the problem then any old prick with at least a couple of opposable thumbs and a rough grasp of how to walk upright will probably be able to manage it. The problem is that things have started to go wrong with the satellite due to the sinister interference of somebody intending to fuck the weather up and wreak cheap CGI destruction on the planet. Butler has therefore been sent up to solve the mystery before things get worse, which is despite the much bigger mystery at the centre of this movie of... how the fuck does the 'actor' Gerard Butler still get work?

Bringing The World Together

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We live on a planet that has a whole range of variety within the unique personalities of our dominant species. Some people are smart and so will like Independence Day: Resurgence because it's unpretentiously big and dumb. Other people will probably like it however simply because they themselves are unpretentiously big and dumb. I saw the movie at the cinema last night and at its very opening, some text appeared on screen saying “West Virginia” so that we could identify the setting. Of course most of us will know West Virginia as an eastern U.S. state however this alone seemed to confuse some teenagers in our audience who loudly questioned, “What's West Vagina?” I mean, usually if I'm at the cinema and people make enough noise to make me aware that they're not dead then I start to get angry. Only the other day there was a gang of teenaged wank-drippings that fucking waffled all the way through a movie that had me so pissed off that I suspect that I probably left a little anus-stamp of blood on my seat. If I had a claw-hammer then I'd have happily gone to the back of their row and played their empty skulls like a human fucking xylophone.