You know how everybody
loves surprises? Well a few months ago I was unexpectedly treated to
a meal that despite actually being a surprise itself subsequently
resulted in a little surprise of its own. It caused me to shit my
entire stomach out as a liquid. I took pills to try to calm the
constant flow of anal-pissing but this just left me with the opposite
problem. I didn't do a single crap for the next eight straight days.
I mean, that's not normal, is it? I started to genuinely worry that I
was eventually going to expand, contract, and then explode like a
dying sun of stink-juice. Shortly after this the world was sucker-punched in the tits by the release of a trailer for
10 Cloverfield
Lane. "What the fuck is this?!" we
all thought. In a world of fat internet nerds with a need for
pop-culture gossip to help endure the reload time between tossing off,
it's almost impossible to keep things a complete secret. And yet here
we are. Eight years on from the release of Cloverfield,
some sort of movie had been completely made without anybody
suspecting a thing. The real question therefore was what kind of
surprise would this new movie be? A nice one like that lovely meal
that I was treated to.. or a not-so-nice-one like the next day of
being battered to death by the back-door trots?
