What A Massive Cult

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When it comes to the dating game, I think it's always best to go for somebody that's good looking. You can fake a nice personality but, conveniently, looks are only ever skin deep. The hottie will stab you in the heart too, but after however many years it takes to get over them.. at least you'll always have the wank fodder to remember them by. Hereditary director Ari Aster's latest film Midsommar might seem like it's going to be a complete rip-off of The Wicker Man which might be because in many ways that's exactly what the fuck it is. In fact, the only thing that it didn't have was Christopher Lee dressed up like a mad aunty at a party as she dances about in an attempt to hide the menopause. However, if there's one thing that does separate this from that 1973 cult classic it's that its director is calling it a break-up movie. Of course, it still has horror elements to it because what break-up isn't completely fucking horrific? I tried to break-up with somebody once and the night genuinely ended up with us in hospital after she'd cracked her head on the corner of a table after forcing herself pass out. That was also the night that I decided that personalities can't be trusted and to only go for hotties. I've been single since. If The Wicker Man is to go by though it seems that the average cultist is even more hardcore and jaded than I am. We both prefer people to be hot but in their case, it's because they've locked them inside a big wooden structure and set them the fuck on fire.

 
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Why The World Needs SuperBob

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Generally when a British film is made for basically no money, it'll feature an actor whose intensity and regional accent have been dialled up to eleven. Or as they'd say in one of Ken Loach's gritty films, 'dialled up t'eleven'. Oh and by the time of the credits you'll probably want to fucking kill yourself. I mean, don't get me wrong.. I do love movies like Dead Man's Shoes, Hunger, and Nil By Mouth, but they're not exactly 'Friday night fun with pizza and mates' type films are they? Well not unless you're mates with Jeffrey fucking Dahmer, anyway. I have seen one film recently though that was made for slightly less than a packet of Jaffa Cakes and also didn't have me sucking on the car exhaust by the time of the credits. SuperBob tells the story of the world's first ever super-hero who, like Superman, has a variety of amazing powers. Unlike Superman however, Bob is an ex-postman who developed his gifts by being twatted on the back of the head by a falling meteor whilst walking in a park in Peckham. Not to damn it with shite praise but unless the film ends with Bob screaming 'Martha, Martha, Martha' for no fucking reason, then it already sounds like a better story than Batman V Superman.

Robin Williams Was Misrepresented By The Masses

When Robin Williams died there was a genuine outpouring of love and mourning for a man that seemed to be genuinely close to most peoples hearts. For me, I'd say the key to this though is that most people are idiots. They saw his shit films when they were younger and yet to develop a true appreciation of cinema. Bear with me with this... I'm not a prick- I'm going somewhere! Most people aren't interested in the French New Wave or the history of German expressionism. I've tried to watch films several times with my Mum since I became obsessed with the medium and every time was a complete failure. She made me turn off Taxi Driver because it was old, Superman Returns because she remembered there were dishes to wash, and Memento because to quote her “What the fuck is going on”. I understand the problem though and it's simply that most people have more of a life than I do. Films for the masses are just a mixture of light and colours that can be stared at until we're all a little closer to death. In that respect, I suppose there's no way that Flubber can't be said to have done its job. It wasn't funny, well made, or in any way tolerable, but there's no denying that it had a duration.

A Person Is Smart, People Are Dumb

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I sometimes wonder what the worst thing someone has done, who I’ve randomly been in close proximity to is. I walk past strangers all the time, at least one of them must have been a fucking nutter. I mean, I must have walked past a murderer at some point but have I walked past a murderer who then went home and shagged a dog? It's not impossible is it? What about a murderer who shagged a dog and then worshipped a statue of Mel Gibson that they'd made out of shit? I have walked past a lot of people and so I don't think we can rule it out. It's one of the many reasons that I tend to assault people who attempt to shake my hand. To me a stranger is basically a cat locked in a box with a can of poisonous gas that may or may not go off. They exist in a hypothetical state where they could either be Earth dwelling angels of kindness or even turd-obsessed whore killers who believe that Cliff Richard wants them to burn things. I'm more of a ‘glass-is-half-empty’ kind of chap and so if a human is being presented to me as a blank canvas then I'll assume that they're all animal rapists, child killers and Michael Bay fans until I'm proven wrong. If I don't know you then I think you're scum and I'd like you to leave me the fuck alone. In many ways, I think that this is one of the biggest reasons that I love the 1997 family movie, Men In Black.

Finish With All Your Gobbledygook

Religion has brought so much good to this world that it's no surprise that people are open enough to believe in it. Just look at the great works of art, the literature and the millions of lives that have been given some sort of comfort. Of course, where the Catholic Church is concerned, there's the small matter of its fondness for child rape to put a small downer on things, but I guess that's just swings and roundabouts isn't it? Err- no, obviously it isn't. The whole church-pedo-thing is fucked up beyond belief, with more effort seeming to be placed on hushing it up than stamping it out. I swear that only the other year, in the church down the road from me, the priest was caught mid blow-job with a boy in his care. Not only that but a friend who has relatives that attended that church told me that his family were apparently more concerned by when the abuse started in case it meant that they had an impure Priest perform the ceremony at their wedding. I mean, what the actual fuck? I'm sure religion has brought some good to the world but at the end of the day I'm also sure that we all have to agree that it's really more trouble than it's worth. To quote the great Billy Connolly who was himself a victim of child abuse and for which he also holds the Catholic Church accountable, “that's it for me- religion is fucking finished. That's it, it's fucking over lads. It's fucking over! You've had a couple of thousand years, you've fucked it, it's over. It's fucking over! So take your reformation, your Vatican, your fucking Mecca and fuck off”.

So... Calvary is the latest film to star the always amazing Brendan Gleeson and originated from the psychotically dark mind of writer/director John Michael McDonagh. It tells the story of the one good Priest in an area full of selfish arseholes who are all intent on abusing him in some way for the various atrocities being committed by the Catholic Church. Whereas most people are simply content to verbally punish or belittle him, the film begins during confession when one angry fucknugget goes one further and informs the priest that he's going to kill him in seven days time. His murder however won't be a revenge attack for one of his own past crimes but rather because the would-be-killer had also previously been abused and feels it'd send a stronger message if he killed a good priest rather than a bad one. Within the first thirty seconds, the entire film has now been laid out as Father James then potters about his local area whilst trying to help the various scummy people wherever he can and yet also coming to terms with the possibility of his own upcoming death. I can honestly say that if this film was an emotional roller-coaster then it couldn't have been more of a ride had they replaced the chairs with the raging hard-on of a weeping sex-pest. I'm currently writing this blog at midnight on April the twentieth and as of now Calvary is by far my favourite film of the year. Perhaps even of the last couple of years. I'm in awe. Oh, and yes, for those who looked it up, that does means I'm writing a film blog at the peak social hours of a Saturday night but you know... Fuck you!

I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids...

Anyway, I saw In Bruges when it first came out a few years ago and it has also since become one of my top ten favourite films of all time. That was of course directed by Martin and not John Michael McDonagh however having now seen all of their movies it seems that the two brothers have a lot in common. Both make the darkest and most bleak- but hilarious- comedies that deal with themes such as guilt, duty and forgiveness and generally revolve around an Irish actor at the centre of it. And by Irish actor I guess I mean Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson or both of them. The two directors can also be quite self referential at times too, with Martin Mcdonagh's Seven Psychopaths basically being a film about a writer called Martin who is writing the film that he's unknowingly in. Even here with Calvary, characters comment on everything from the opening line of the movie, they discuss which of them is an interesting character and which is clichéd and they also try to second guess what they actually refer to as the upcoming 'third act revelations'. I don't want to spoil too much but for what are presumably sold as comedies, each one of their four films has a fucking grim-as-fuck ending to it too. Particularly in the case of In Bruges and Calvary too, half of the jokes aren't even jokes with both films really being more like downbeat, melancholic dramas but with an obvious sense of the absurdity of life. I guess my point to all of this is to suggest that the McDonaghs must have had some seriously fucked up parents... and thank god they did because their work is amazing.

I've read a fair few reviews of Calvary since seeing it and pretty much all of them have gushed over it as much as I am now. However, the one slight criticism I've read is that perhaps it has some minor tonal inconsistencies to it but I disagree. I mean- yes, this is a film with a laugh out loud scene in which a weird young man argues that he should be allowed join the army because his desire kill women is basically a qualification, and yet, at the same time, there are scenes of such sadness and emotion that I was honestly holding back tears at times. I mean, I suppose I could have just had a little cry but you know... I was with friends, I'm young, male and British so fuck that! However for me, the balance seemed just right with the first half being more about the jokes and the second half simply being the observations of the shitness of life. I think if there's one scene that sums this film up then it's one in which a coffin is being wheeled to a plane for transportation. At first, the sheer lack of dignity as the corpse is trollied over seems quite funny, however when Father James looks again, the two baggage handlers in charge are now leaning over the coffin and chatting before it can be loaded on board. What was originally fairly amusing becomes heartbreaking as, along with James, we see the emptiness of life in all its pointlessness. I mean, maybe I'm wrong but the journey from jokes to melancholy seemed perfectly natural to me. Compare this to Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards for example which would go from a tense scene of Jewish abuse at the hands of the Nazis to one in which Mike Myers did his Austin Powers schtick and Calvary will look like a tonal fucking masterpiece... but then again, by comparison so would most films, I suppose.

As I said, this film is an emotional roller-coaster which, as well as the director, is also thanks to the mesmerising performance of Brendan Gleeson whose huge talent is only matched in size by his huge ears. Seriously- check them out. The man he plays isn't a saint but rather a human trying to do his best below that shroud of misery that smothers our lives. He's the one man attempting to show that the Church isn't the child-fucking-nonce-fest that it's presumed to be and as a result every member of that town is trying to break him to validate their own positions on the matter. However, as he absorbs all of their abuse and even their problems, and tries to counter it, you get the sense that actually they don't want to beat him. As much as they're trying to justify their own cynical positions, he represents hope to them and at the end of the day they need him to give them a chance of redemption. Gleeson's priest is basically a piñata at a party of the angriest, brattiest children who might be hitting him as hard as they can to vent their frustrations by hurting him but secretly they really just want to eat his sweets and enjoy the party. Okay.. not sure if that analogy works and it's also kind of weird but fuck it, you get the point.

Speaking of the locals, it's also worth stating how amazing some of the performances surrounding Gleeson are with randomly small but memorable performances from Dylan Moran, Aidan Gillen, Chris O'Dowd and some creepy looking old coffin dodger that I later realised was M. Emmet Walsh. I haven't seen Walsh in anything since Blade Runner and he looked old then and yet it seems in the subsequent few decades he's managed to age even more into what looks like creepy, porn addicted hobbit. Still good though, and I suppose he's in his late fucking seventies so it'd probably be weirder if he didn't look old. In fact, you've got to just presume that all of these people have turned up solely as a result of the writing which is up there with The Coen's at their best and easily matches the genius that people wrongly credit Tarantino for being.

It's easy to moan about how easy it is to make fun of their religion... That should be a clue...

Anyway, I don't want to say much more because I'd hate to give away the ending and I'd hate to just spoil everything that made me laugh. Although, I do think that it's ironic that Aronofsky's Noah is the film that's causing the most controversy at the moment seems as all that movie did was try and make the religious fairy-story seem a little more believable. Considering that this is an angry film with genuine issues that the Church needs to address you've got to wonder where the outrage and attempted censorship is here? Is it that religious people only get mad when the film that they believe is offensive to them has a bigger budget or perhaps more likely is it that in the case of Calvary they've actually got something to be ashamed of? With its mass marketing, there's no way that Noah is going to go away but perhaps if it's just ignored then Calvary's accusations of the Church’s evil just might... for now. There's nothing left for either of us to do now except just go and see this film again because it's the most hilarious, profound thing I've seen probably since In Bruges. Apparently the next 'comedy' that Gleeson and McDonagh will make will centre around an angry paraplegic, investigating the murder of his best friend. Count me the fuck in.  

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