Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Khan

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Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Khan - What the fuck is it about?

So basically there's a bad guy called Khan that looks a little bit as if Robert Redford had attempted to pass himself off as a 1980's female prostitute and was convincing fucking nobody. By sheer coincidence, one of Kirk's bum-chums, Chekov, is doing a little adventuring on empty planets that could be used to host life when he stumbles right into Khan and his crew. Even more coincidental is the fact that Khan apparently has beef with Kirk and somehow recognises Chekov as one of his associates. I guess it's probably the fact that Chekov has a memorable look to him. Sort of like if a ventriloquist's dummy had done a Pinocchio and turned into a real boy.. except not quite fully managed it.

In an attempt to lure Kirk, Khan uses something known as 'Genesis' as a trap. Genesis is a project that one of Kirk's previous squeezes is hard at work on and basically involves the terraforming of the previously mentioned dead planets. Sadly this isn't quite as cool as it sounds due to the process involving the use of a missile that couldn't look more like a dildo if it was kept in a shoe box, hidden under a single mother's bed. Although considering this films lead actor is an ageing William Shatner, perhaps 'cool' isn't really what it's going for. This is a suspicion that can only be confirmed by the appearance of Khan's crew who all look like they were rejected from the film The Warriors for looking too 'gay'.

So was it shit or not then?

Well, yeah.. if I'm going to be honest, I fucking loved this movie. There's a great theme of death running through Wrath Of Khan and not in the same way that the first movie made me feel bored to fucking death. In this film, Kirk is at an age in which death is on his mind, there's a test in which you're forced to face certain death which is constantly brought up... oh, and spoiler alert, Spock fucking dies. Although considering the next movie is called The Search For Spock, I'm going to guess that it's not quite so permanent. Well, not unless they just want his dead body for some reason. I guess he still looked pretty warm at the end and I suppose those long space-nights can get pretty lonely.

Everything involving Spock's demise was pretty emotional, to be honest. But in a restrained way that the autistic-like Vulcan would have approved of. If anything, his funeral was only ruined by Scotty's insistence on playing the bagpipes which, as we all know, is a terrible instrument. I mean, people are trying to show their last respects for fucks sake. How can you do that when some tubby Scottish bloke is creating the sound of a goat simultaneously screaming and jizzing in slow-motion?!

Possibly due to an increased budget, the sets look a lot better here too. The crew still spend most of their time on the Enterprise's bridge, however it now has the more claustrophobic feel of a submarine-style movie. In fact, the only bit that I didn't really like in the whole film was when a brainwashed Chekov managed to snap back to his senses thanks to his love of Kirk. I mean, it didn't help that the guy who plays Chekov isn't the best actor in the world and so for the first few seconds I really just thought I was struggling to hold in an anal prolapse. However that's surely got to be one of the most cliched plot devices this side of having a 'chosen one'. Not that there's much chance of that here though, thank God. If somebody told me that Shatner was 'the chosen one', I'd just assume that he'd simply been selected as the man who looks most like the reincarnation of a once prized turnip.. Oh well. Other than that though, Wrath Of Khan was great.