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The
film begins with both the Vulcans and the Klingons speaking in their
own language and so I didn't really know what the fuck was going on
to be honest. I was about fifteen minutes in before I realised that
the DVD I was watching had expected me to manually select the third
option of English subtitles on offer in order for me to have the
alien gibberish translated. I mean why the fuck wouldn't it just have
that on automatically? Does it really expect the average fan to be
fluent in both fucking languages? ...Actually I've seen some of the fans
of this series.. fair enough..
The
movie involves the crew from the TV show all getting back together
for a mission in which they are required to investigate a suspicious
blue cloud. Wow. The movie assumes that you'll already know who these
characters are and are happy to spend a good thirty minutes watching
them do sweet fuck all. I mean, literally nothing happens for so God
damn long. There's a scene in which Kirk lays eyes on the Enterprise
for the first time that lasts longer than some amateur pornos do.
That reference is actually particularly apt because throughout this
scene, Kirk is giving the ship a look that suggests that the moment
everybody's back is turned, he's almost definitely going to try and fuck it. Kirk looks at that ship in the same way that a sailor
looks at a woman after returning home from months at sea, then
heading straight to the nearest titty bar.
So was it shit or not then?
Yes. Yes it was. This was literally one of the most boring movies that I've ever seen and speaking of amateur pornos I say that as somebody who has seen that shit Paris Hilton video. You know the one in which she kind of just bounces up and down with glazed over eyes as though testing the worlds shittest spacehopper. If Inglorious Bastards is to
be believed, film is insanely flammable and there was a lot of names
on the credits to this movie.. you'd have thought at least one person
would have realised how long it was running on for and so thrown a fucking
cigarette into whatever room in which the dailies are kept. Even if
the resulting fire burnt for seven long days, you'd still be left with
enough footage to make a ninety minute film. The special effects have
dated pretty badly too. I'm guessing the budget was pretty small for
this movie because the whole thing consisted mostly of people talking
absolute bollocks on the bridge whilst occasionally cutting outside
for a shot of the ships. Except, the ships are obviously models and
the shots last so long that it just feels like you're trapped in some
fat nerd's bedroom as he shows you his fucking toy collection.
Oddly
this movie was directed by Robert Wise who you may know from his 1965
masterpiece in which he had Julie Andrews dressed as a Nun. Although
Star Trek: The Slow-motion Picture, as
it's been dubbed, is less The Sound Of Music as
it is the sound of fucking silence. If you don't own this movie but
want to replicate the experience of watching it then simply imagine
the plot to Solaris, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and
John Carpenter's Dark Star, though as
if it was dumbed down by some boring old bastard. I guess I liked the
effects of the alien ship within the blue cloud, but that's only
because it had a feature that looked like a pulsing anus and I was
really searching to find things that were entertaining. Oh, and for
the record.. some of the extras were wearing jumpsuits that were way
too tight for them. I could literally see their dicks.
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