A Disappointing Shaft?

Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Podcasts

So I watched a Shaft film for the first time ever the other night. As in, the blaxploitation franchise, obviously. That's not just what I call pornos. If that was the case then I'd have to say that I'd spent my teenage years attempting to find the limit of how many shaft films that a single brain could take. I suppose that I should clarify further too that I didn't actually watch Shaft, the 1971 film featuring Richard Roundtree as Shaft, or even Shaft the 2000 film featuring Samuel L Jackson as Shaft. But rather I watched Shaft the 2019 film with Richard Roundtree, Samuel L Jackson and some young dweeb called Jessie Usher as Shaft, Shaft, and just one more Shaft. Essentially this film works on the same principle of a gangbang in that it assumes that the more Shafts there are, the more fun things will be. Roundtree is the oldest Shaft and father to Jackson's Shaft II, who in turn is the father of Usher's Shaft Jr. I also guess that the characters of Shaft are about as imaginative at naming their children as the filmmakers are with this franchise. There are only five Shaft films with three of them being called Shaft. Where's the fun in that? Has anybody even told them that the shaft is also what we call the bit of a dick that isn't the tip? It'd be ironic if not because I spent this movie hating these characters so much that where I was supposed to see three Shafts I could only really see three bellends.

 Subscribe to the podcast!

The Scum of the Universe?

Okay, so I'll say right now that it's going to be a pain in the tits to discuss Ender's Game without spoiling anything. The entire point of the film is more or less revealed during its conclusion which pretty much makes it a proper bollock-ache to talk about. Anybody who’s seen the masterpiece that is A Serious Man will know exactly what I mean by this... anyone who hasn't needs to sort their lives out and see it right the-fuck away. If you've not seen Ender's Game yet then don't worry because I'm like a smack-addict were blog hits are concerned and so will write this to suit everybody. I know you didn't need to know this but just like when Lucius Fox invented a cure to the Scarecrows fear toxin, I just want you to be aware of the fucking effort that I'm putting in.

So I guess we should get the controversy out of the way at the beginning... Orson Scott Card is the author of the original book that the new film Ender's Game is based on and he's a cunt. As it turns out he's a massive fucking homophobe who seems to have upset quite a few people with his stupidly shit views on same sex relations. To sum them up, he basically doesn't like the idea of people rubbing their matching genitals up against each other and that those who do “cannot be permitted to remain as acceptable, equal citizens within that society." He's also a full-on God botherer which I assume must be where this twattish outlook is coming from. Personally I couldn't give a turd about what the guy thinks because I really couldn't give a turd about him... but if I have to pick between the bullshit morals of an unproven God or the acceptance of ‘real love between two real humans’ then I'm afraid that the magical sky-man can go fuck himself. Sadly though, by disillusioning so many people, several groups have been loudly shouting for us to boycott the movie adaptation of this demented twat’s book. Despite this though, and as much as I can understand their anger, I guess this is a stance that I can't really condone either as I do believe that you really need to separate the art form the artist. Polanski's Chinatown is a masterpiece but that doesn't mean the film in anyway endorses the director’s previous hobby of doping up kids and then fucking them up the arse. I actually do have some advice on how to get around this problem but I'll save it until the end because firstly, this paragraph is getting way too long and secondly I can never think how to end these blogs. Anyway so prepare yourself for paragraph three where I think I'll talk about the films plot.

"So.. I see you're a scrawny slab of nothing..."

Ever the man of my word, the films plot takes place in the slightly distant future when an alien race has invaded Earth. In the book, the creatures are referred to as 'buggers' although thankfully because not everybody is a gay hating arse-maggot, that's not the case here. Luckily for us the alien invasion is halted when a heroic pilot flies straight into their Queen's mothership and suicide-bombs the shit out of her. Just like every other alien movie, it seems that despite their vast numbers all you have to do to kill them all is simply kill off their boss. If that is the case and you're an alien race that's smart enough to master intergalactic space travel then maybe next time leave the fucking Queen safely at home, hey? If my life depended solely on the survival of another then I'd have them securely locked up in my basement Joseph Fritzl-style and not paraded about in a war zone like a massive neon retard. Anyway a few years later we war-mongering humans are pretty paranoid that the aliens will soon return but with the advantage of now being fully pissed off. To prepare for this a scheme has been implemented in which kids that may prove useful are located and trained up to become child soldiers. I'm not sure who thought this would be a good idea but it's nice to see that America will eventually adopt the militaristic policies of Joseph Kony. Anyway, so at Battle School a lanky kid named Ender is discovered who, despite having legs that seem to go all the way up to his shoulders, is quickly believed to be “The One”. Although I've seen so many films about “The One” now that the term’s exclusivity seems to have been completely raped into meaninglessness. Because of this, Ender is therefore put through a series of rigorous tests to determine whether or not he can save us from being buggered by the buggers. After their initial defeat the aliens are still weak and yet to retaliate and so our plan is therefore to find a way of heroically kicking the shit out of them whilst they are both down and still vulnerable.

Okay so despite all the controversy, the main thing to say about this film is that regardless of all the clichés I actually thought it was really good. I hadn't read the book, I didn't really remember the trailers and if anything I went in thinking that it probably wouldn't be worthy of Harrison Ford's nerdgasmic, sci-fi legacy. Well, I came out still thinking that too, to be honest, but although this might not be Blade Runner or Star Wars, that's not to say he doesn't elevate the thing by simply turning up. For the most part, the film is just Harry Potter in space where our fate depends on the adventures of some pale young gonk as he attends a suspiciously paedophile-free but magical boarding school. There's even a gravity-free room here in which everybody floats about playing a dumbed down version of Quidditch. Although considering that the rules of actual Quidditch are about as complicated as a Victorian tarts’ anal pubes, this is really no bad thing. However, what is predominantly an averagely good film is donkey-punched into being a hell of a lot more interesting by a game-changing last act twist. Ender's Game deals with the morality of war, what it means to be human, the battle between ethics and victory, the merits of genocide and the theft of childhood. For a film that's based on the works of such a prejudiced fuckwit there is also a surprisingly blatant theme of tolerance present here as well. Like Starship Troopers before it, Ender's Game is further proof that a book shat out of a twats mind can still make an unrelatedly entertaining movie.

"You're the fucking problem you fucking Dr. White honkin' jam-rag
fucking spunk-bubble!"

Starring in the lead role of Ender is Asa Butterfield who has to have the dandiest fucking name I've ever heard. However considering the complexity of the character, he doesn't do too badly for someone so young. Not only does Ender have the burden of humanities survival resting on his frail cracker shoulders but he's also got his own sanity to deal with as he tries to decide whether he's a leader or a sociopath. I won't say he's great in the role but other than a de-pubified DeNiro, I think a lot of people would struggle with such a range. Like I said before, Harrison Ford is as great as you'd expect him to be, being both stubborn and sort of understandable despite the curse of a fairly two dimensional character. There's a bunch of other kids too but most of them are fairly forgettable leaving only a vague memory of irritation. The girl from True Grit was alright I guess but as a devout hater of children I'd still keep her shackled up in an attic until she was old enough to be interesting. Viola Davis is somebody that's usually really good but was given fairly little to do beyond argue ethics with Harrison Ford and then storm out like a trampled wife whose realised the dinner is burning. This therefore only leaves Ben Kingsley to leave an impression which is obviously achieved when he opens his mouth and reveals the random fucking accent of the week that he's been playing with. It's also amusing to see that despite the extremism of his Darth Maul-style face tattoos, Sir Ben is still maintaining that bald head and goatee combo that he's been rocking since the dawn of time.

I guess the only thing left to mention is the action and quality of special effects which here are both capable and engaging. I mention the effects only because director Gavin Hood’s previous film was X-men Origins: Wolverine which looked so bad it was like the CG had been shat out of a pixel factory during national 'fuck-up at work day'. It also goes without saying that Ender's Game is significantly better written than Hood’s previous film although that's probably obvious considering that a fat man could produce a better script if he farted a few pebbles across a keyboard. I was a little confused about why they were rearing child soldiers when adults could just as easily do the job. However, because I'm in a generous mood I'll assume that must be because I missed something and not because the film didn't explain enough as to why this was the case. The action is as engaging as any half decent action film ever is although it does lack the jizzy-rainbow of imagination that made Pacific Rim such an artistic twat-hammer to the eyes.

I understand that people don't want to see this film because they don't want their hard earned cash going into the original authors grubby, hate-filled pockets, but due to its brain, discussions on morality, themes of tolerance and Harrison-fucking-Ford I do think that the film deserves to be seen. The news hitting the web right now suggests that Card won't receive a penny of the films profits which, if true, is surely enough of a reason to at least not intentionally boycott it anyway. If however that's still not enough for you then here is my potential solution that I promised you earlier on. Say you spend about £9ish on a cinema ticket then why not also/instead simply post a steaming pile of dog shit to Card’s house? That way you get to see the film and he'll spend the money he may have made on carpet cleaner and air-freshener. Maybe this doesn't sound harsh enough considering that he basically has a Hitler-esque hate for a large portion of members of our species, however there was this one time that my dog sprayed a chocolaty soup of shite onto the kitchen floor that was so fucking rancid that cleaning it up caused my Dad to unexpectedly expel a mouthful of vomit down himself. I promise you that watching that was both the funniest and lowest moment of my entire life. Ugh, see even after setting myself up for an easy end this still doesn't feel conclusive enough because that last bit wasn't really about the film. I guess therefore I'll just give up and say that the next sentence will be the actual end of this week’s blog. And ever the man of my word, it is.

---

Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.

---

Space Is No Place For Women Or Gays!

If I were you, I would seriously see the film Riddick as soon as you can. Not because I thought it was very good but because the special effects will be dated to shit by the end of next week. This is the third film in the franchise with each instalment following the on-going adventures of a supposedly psychotic potato that can see in the dark. However after the previous film in which the title character was wrapped up in some big, shitty, fantasy bollocks, this new release has scaled things back to the simplicity of the original Pitch Black. Vin Diesel's big bald vegetable of the night is stranded on a desert-planet and wants to get off before too much sunlight leaves him either dead or nicely baked. That's pretty much the whole plot really with the rest of the running time being padded out by some bad effects, a voice-over that states the obvious and a refreshingly blatant theme of sexism. 

Riddick wasn't a bad film particularly, it's just that it seemed a bit lacking in the brain department. As I mentioned, the first third is pretty much just him alone in the desert and titting about with some crappy looking dog that he's found. The problem with this bit though is that as an actor, Vin Diesel is about as charismatic as a lightly-cooked turd on a stick and I say that as a huge fan of Fast 5 and Furious 6. I loved those films because of how fucking ridiculous they were and how obliviously serious he seems to take them. Here however, there's no stunt too dumb to laugh at and if we're to compare the two franchises then Riddick seriously suffers from its lack of The Rock... although so do most films to be fair. Watching Vin pissing about on a lonely planet for a while is made worse by how contrived the appearance of the mongo-looking dog actually is. Not only does the creature look like it was created by a blind animator with stumps for hands but it's blatantly only there to provide Riddick with some motivation later on. Not only that but the dog also obviously exists so that he has something to react to during these scenes when surely the logical thing to do is to just fucking eat the thing. I know that everything in a film tends to be there to progress the story of the main character but usually it's done organically and in a way that feels at least a little more subtle than a bite to the cock. 

"This ain't nothing knew".

To its credit, the second two thirds of Riddick do deliver on Diesel’s promise of returning to the franchises stripped-back roots however it kind of cheats by just remaking Pitch-fucking-Black. So basically what you get is him running about trying to convince people to trust him whilst fighting a bunch of demonic, space-cunts in the dark. It might seem that the obvious issue is that retelling that story is kind of lazy however the real problem is actually the few things that they've decided to add to it. This time Riddick is fighting against the monsters with a gang of bounty hunters who, with the exception of one woman, are all male. None of the guys here have an inch of depth to them with each actor playing a character that has about as much memorability as a background shadow in a shit level of Gears of War. Pretty much every line of dialogue that's spoken is clearly just copy and pasted from the 'Twats Guide to Speaking Grunt' and that's when it's at its best. Diesel spends most of his time silent which is probably a good decision if his voice-over is anything to go by which is itself about as insightful as listening to a teenaged simpleton play 'no shit Sherlock' on his own.

When Diesel does open his mouth however he randomly turns out to be a little bit rapey by aggressively threatening to shag a lesbian in a fairly graphic way. This next bit probably counts as a spoiler alert but really, that's only because it kind of spoils the film. As mentioned there is only one main female here and interestingly she claims not to be into guys. Usually this would be an opportunity to add depth to a character or at least explore issues of sexuality and independence in a dystopian future. Instead however the makers decide to go down a more homophobic path of simply making her a prize to show how amazing Riddick actually is. By the end of the film not only has his manliness managed to bag him a girl that would be unobtainable to the rest of us but it's also implied that he's about to succeed in fucking the gay out of her as well. What a guy! Personally I'm not a lesbian but it does seem pretty offensive to treat homosexuality as a condition that can be cured with just the smallest of pricks.

There is of course an alternative possibility that the character is not really a lesbian and has just claimed it to help stall any advances from her fellow horny crew members. Although to be honest this would be crediting the franchise with more intelligence than it has so far displayed in all of the three films. If this ruse is true then it might go towards excusing the film from being homophobic but it's still a sexist bag of wank. I think there are five female characters in total with one being the probable lesbian who falls for the rapey Riddick and at least three more being naked orgy members near the beginning. Obviously I'm not against sex scenes in films but these three women literally only seem to show up to be objectified by treating us to a cheeky bit of nipple and flashing their neatly combed lady vadge's. The final woman is a prisoner of the bad guys who is raped and killed within the space of about two minutes and again simply to provide Riddick with some anger related motivation. This is made worse by the fact that she and his dog exist for the same reason but with the shitty looking pixel-pooch getting a significantly more memorable character arc. So according to this film the ranking of importance is men at the top with space-dogs next and then finally women at the bottom. If you see this film at the cinema and there's a loud buzzing sound then please don't worry. It doesn't mean that the speakers have broken it's just that the corpse of Emily Davison is somewhere spinning in its grave at about four thousand rpm.

It's a shame about all this too because before it crossed into this bizarre world of misogyny I was kind of enjoying it. I mean yes, it's just a retread of Pitch Black and dragged out for about thirty minutes longer, but it was okay I guess. There's some fun action in it and enjoyably gloopy gore so I certainly wasn't too bored anyway. If I were to guess, I would say that the main problem is that the whole thing just feels like it's been made by a teenage boy whose in-between playing Xbox and tossing off for the fourteenth time that hour. I think the design of Riddick himself is kind of evidence of this as he's basically just some boring as fuck, bald cunt with a green vest and some snazzy, swimming goggles. You can imagine a kid in school drawing something as dumb as that and being as proud as tits with his moronic creation. This apparently infantile outlook might also explain the complete lack of understanding on gender equality and the very clichéd characters and action. You know those annoying moments that pop up in all shit action films from time to time? Well, expect them all here but only as a bit of light relief from all the lady-bashing.

Nice tits...
Shame about the existence of equal rights! 

So yeah, to kind of conclude, this was a half decent-ish movie that was completely killed by being at best sexist and at worst homophobic. Riddick tried to be First Blood meets Aliens but ended up being Commando crossed with Alien: Resurrection and only if it was written by Jim Davidson. I suppose you've got to admire Vin Diesel’s love of the character but at the same time I haven't got a fucking clue as to what he sees in him. If we're being generous then Riddick is just a shaven Snake Plissken if he over-dosed on steroids and suffered from a bad case of brain damage. However if you like the idea of a genuinely scary R-Rated movie then I suppose I can't recommend Riddick strongly enough. It's just such a shame that all of the horror comes from its completely chauvinistic depiction of women in a 2013 film that has no excuse not to know better. I guess Diesel is just lucky that the only people who would think this movie is an acceptable thing to make are those who are clearly so stupid that they really can't be held responsible for their own confused thoughts. Plus his next film will be the inevitably amazing Fast and Furious 7 so even if he has just insulted half of the human race, I won't be able to stay too mad for too long… which is lucky because with something as truly offensive as this movie, there really aren't enough horses for Diesel to throw himself under in apology anyway. The shitty special effects might be out of date by the end of next week but I'm pretty sure that its gender politics have been stale since at least 1928.

---

Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.

---