And now I shall begin this blog in the
style of an old bitter man who’s had one too many to drink before closing time.
I'll let you decide at which point I start to break character and allow reality
to bleed in! So... what is it with you people? Bastards, the lot of you! I look
around and all I see are bullshitters and fuckwits. I used to have hope. I had
dreams. But you've killed them all with your lies like the great selfish
arseholes that you are! I hate you. I hate your fake smiles and your fucking
punchable shithead faces. I'm sick of being choked to death by the truth shaped
bollocks that you ram down my throat. You're all a herd of wild bell-ends and I
have been trampled by your hooves of crap for far too long. Sure I might have a
few trust issues but I'd say the biggest issue is simply that everyone's a twat
and you can all burn in hell. I think there are about four people in this life
who I can actually properly trust and thank fuck for them. They're the last
line of defence between me, the world and a full blown breakdown. You lot
should be fucking grateful for them too because I swear to God that I'm only
one spoonful of horseshit away from heading to the clock tower and taking
fucking aim! Aaaaand scene... So anyway, Captain America: The Winter Soldier
was pretty good.
This film continues the story of Steve
Rogers from both his first film and The Avengers as the worlds least
scrawny nice-guy continues to have the world shit all over him. Whilst
adjusting to life in our time, he now works for SHIELD who supposedly protect
our world from all the freaky stuff that's been going down of late. I was
actually thinking whilst watching this that if you lived in the Marvel Universe,
the daily news channels would be the greatest TV show of all time! How the hell
would something like Breaking Bad compete with the News at Ten when
that news features genuine footage of aliens, superheroes, and massive fuck-off
robots? You'd think that their fictional dramas would be the most boring things
possible just as a bit of escapism from all the adrenalin. Breaking Bad wouldn't
be about a dying teacher slowly becoming a stone-cold Meth dealer it would be
about a dying teacher slowly becoming a stone-cold corpse. It'd be
self-fulfilment television at its most relaxing! Anyway... So SHIELD gets
compromised, Nick Fury disappears and the Captain has to figure out who he can
trust whilst also trying to discover who the hell The Winter Soldier is.
There's fights, laughs, tears, and credits.
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| What do you mean I look like someone left a waxwork of Brad Pitt to close to a fire? |
So yeah- I really enjoyed this film which, let’s
face it, is so reminiscent of Thunderbirds that it's like a
live-action wet dream from the founder of the Jerry Anderson fan club. For me,
the highlight was near the start where Fury is involved in a car chase that
results in even more proof that Samuel 'Not in the Matrix' Jackson
really is the coolest motherfucker on the planet. I also really like Steve Rogers
despite that fact that he seems so considerate and kind that he's at constant
risk of being about as much fun as fingering a deflated sex doll that's not
even pretending to be into it. I don't know why I like Rogers so much but I
think it's because he's a nice guy and I'm single which, from my experience,
must mean that I am too. I also admire how little controversy Marvel have
attracted for Captain America considering that the way in which he acquired his
powers essentially makes the franchise a promotional tool for the use of
steroids. Are you a pathetic scrawny fuck who wishes he was tough enough to
punch foreigners in the face? Then when not try making yourself bigger by
stabbing yourself in the muscles with a variety of untested drug-filled
needles?! You've got to admire their balls for that one!
Anyway, also I think it's pretty cool to
see how relevant this film kind of is with its exploration of Government
Agencies spying on people who haven't yet done anything wrong. Admittedly that
exploration only goes as far as seeing how long it'll take for something to
explode but it's still nice to know that John Snowdon has a blockbuster he can
relate to, too. In fact, I really enjoyed all of the fun espionage action so
much that for at least the first hour I thought this could be my favourite non-Avengers
film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Well, I thought that for the first hour
at least but then it just went on and on and on. In many ways the structure of this
film is very reminiscent of Ron Jeremy in that it's kind of long and a bit too
flabby. Having said that, I don't really know what I'd take out to get this
film down to a more reasonable duration. The only thing I can think is that the
third act could have done with something different simply because every Marvel
film ever has so far ended with a climactic battle. In fact, other than World
War Z, I'm pretty sure that no action film has either. Sure none of them
had previously also involved the cool swooping of The Falcon, or as I prefer, ‘Robo-Kes’...
but still. In fact, one of the things I also loved was in how his metal wings
were barely explained considering how fucking mental and impractical they are.
I think there's a throwaway line about how he ended up with them after somebody
asked, “what the fuck?” But despite whatever his answer really was, it was so
uninformative that he may as well have just retorted with, “Because only cunts
ask questions”.
Speaking of things with almost no explanation,
I'd say that possibly the biggest fault of the film is that The Winter Soldier,
whose name is in the fucking title, ends up getting a little neglected. As
villains go, he's like a young boy sat outside a pub for six hours with a glass
of lemonade and a packet of crisps as the adults have fun inside. His backstory
is also explained in a sequence that's over so quickly it makes most vines look
like Lawrence of A-fucking-rabia. The Winter Soldier turns up, shoots
things and looks angry... that's about it. I mean how in God's name can he be
unhappy considering his single superpower is a pneumatic wanking arm? In fact,
what's he even doing out of the house? Although, whatever... I guess the
presence of an underused villain is always going to be a problem with
characters as charismatic and famous as these lead superheroes seem to be. It's
also true of a few other Marvel films too, with Thor 2's Malekith being
about as personality-free as a dishcloth and Iron Man's Obadiah Stane's
name sounding like a wet patch found around an old, pissed Irishman's crotch. I
guess there's also only so many times that they can wheel Loki out too before
either Tom Hiddleston dies of exhaustion or the character becomes about as
overused as a fat person’s shitting bucket. I suppose this villain thing is just
going to have to be something the series concentrates on improving as things
move on. Speaking of which, another problem is possibly that with these films
are planned out so far ahead that there's almost no level of suspense in
regards to the fate of key characters. Near the start here, somebody gets off-ed
which is slightly undermined by the fact that we've all seen the cast list for The
Avengers 2 and we all saw Gordon pull the exact same trick in The Dark
Knight.
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| Captain America 3: The Unventilated Fart |
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