So We Should Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb?

Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Podcasts

After seeing a few trailers, and being a fan of the director's previous work, I remember going fucking nuts for the new Godzilla film in 2014. If I was to compare being a movie fan to being on drugs then it was like being one of those nutters on bath-salts as I manically gobbled up every new trailer like it was the face of an innocent fucking tramp. On its release I therefore remember my initial impression of the film being that it was a little bit like the first time that I'd ever managed to get off with someone. Not because it was a mess and over far sooner than I'd expected but rather because despite having enjoyed the experience, I had probably gone in with my expectations a little too high. My life hadn't been changed the way I'd been led to believe that it would have been, but there are worse ways to kill time. I imagine I also made that comparison as a way of subtly reminding people that I have had my end away in the past and should like to be considered for any events of that nature in the future. Please. Watching Godzilla is still like having sex for me, but mostly because it's rare that I manage to get it on and even when I do, it probably means that I'm bored and having a quiet night to myself. However, nothing could quite have prepared me for sequel 'Godzilla: King Of The Monsters', which I saw the other day. If I were to compare this new film to getting laid too then it was like being invited to an orgy in which the most attractive people on the planet are said to be attending. Except when you get there it's just a creepy scout leader tugging himself off as an old lady projectile shits into his face. I didn't like it and it fucking stunk.

Bashing The Monkey

Join us on Facebook!

With the exception of that time that I was working in a pub during some bloke's Stag night and I thought we'd just been raided by the police, I can honestly say that I have never seen a stripper in my life. However I imagine that they probably share a slight similarity with monster movies, in that 90% of what they do is a tease before revealing everything for the final 10%. So with a monster movie, you get a shot of a foot, then a silhouette, and then maybe a close up of an eye. Finally, and at the point that a stripper would be popping out her titty-boom-booms, you'll get the full body shot of the creature before it's swiftly destroyed with an A-bomb. Kong: Skull Island however spunks its wad up the wall before the opening title has even come up as during its first five minutes we essentially see Kong in all of his glory. In many ways, this is one of the more brilliant aspects of the movie because we're now left wondering where is left to go? If a stripper walks into a pub by opening the door with her already exposed peachy wah-wah's then what the hell is her show actually going to be? Well, in the case of Skull Island, what follows is an all-out orgy of weird creatures, adventure, and action. If a stripper were to follow the logic of this movie then I can only imagine that she'd leave the pub in a police van having turned the venue into a scene from fucking Caligula.

Godz and Monsters

I really wish I could think of a better metaphor for this film than the one I'm about to describe but I can't so bollocks to it. Apologies in advance... So, you know what's fun? Fucking. Ugh God, way too crude... Oh well. There's surely no denying that hiding your modesty inside somebody else’s modesty is good fun for all involved- oh and, for the record, I'm completely open to any offers right now. That last bit is irrelevant to the point that I'm building towards but you know... In my on-going efforts to get some, it can't hurt. I can't imagine that there's anything a girl loves more than a desperate geek! Ugh... Why do I even fucking bother. Anyway, so we live in a world in which every second of every day somebody is using some form of advertising to trick us into giving them some money. Considering everybody likes sex, it seems that the marketing goons have decided that the best way to do this is by bombarding us with sexual imagery and having us in a constant state of horniness. This is fine for adults but obviously kids are exposed to it all too, meaning that thanks to a barrage of provocative slogans and pictures of unobtainable titties, the concept of shagging is made to seem like the most important thing in the world... Until you actually do it. Now don't get me wrong, the first time I convinced somebody to take pity on me was great.. but that's all sex is. It's great. It's not magical or the be-all-and-end-all or even particularly life changing. It's just really good fun. And that, in a nutshell, is the problem with Godzilla.