28 July 2020

Help The Aged

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The villain of Netflix's new film The Old Guard plans to capture a gang of immortals so that he can experiment on their genetic make-up to find a way of having us normal folk live a little longer. What an evil bastard. Not because he wants to capture the immortals. I couldn't give a shit about them, but why the fuck is he trying to extend my life? The other day I discovered that I'd panic-bought so much cheese that a lot of it was about to go past its expiration date. Amid this absolute fucking hysteria, I began performing several surgical operations on the cheese to remove its cancer-like mould before then traipsing around my local area to find friends who might be willing to store it in their fucking freezers for me. Right now, the average lifespan for a male in my country is about 81 years old, of which I have already had 31. Are you seriously telling me that somebody wants me to live past that? I can't even look after a few blocks of fucking cheese and yet somebody thinks that I'm so important that it would an absolute tragedy if I lived passed the next 50 years? Fuck that and fuck them. I don't mind spending my day on a brief pilgrimage to cytogenetically freeze my soon-to-be-off dairy products if I've only got half-a-fucking-century to kill. But if I've got longer than that then what the fuck am I going to do with my time? No, thank you. How about trying to extend the life-span of my fucking cheese and then perhaps we can talk. 

These immortals are a rag-tag gang of mercenaries who have spent a fair few centuries finding each other and then fighting to keep society on the straight and narrow. Good job doing that, dickheads. At the start of the film their leader, Charlize Theron, has a little existential breakdown as she sees the absolute shit show of the world being reported on the news and begins to wonder what she has spent her life fighting for. Well, yeah? Sometimes I don't even get past the fact that Piers Morgan is hosting the news before concluding how fucked our arse-hole species actually is. Not to be a critic but if you've spent centuries fighting to keep humanity ticking over and where we are now is the best that you could accomplish then I'd wonder what you fucking bothered for too. There are some incredible action scenes in this movie in which the gang show of their impressive set of fighting skills, but if peace and love was their end goal then they might as well have just hopped into bed with John and fucking Yoko for all of the fucking good it did. Even in recent history, we've had the holocaust. What the fuck were they doing when that was taking place? And what could possibly have happened that would make our present-day any fucking worse than it's ever been before for Theron to lose hope now? Because right now the only thing that I can think of is that on top of all of the other fucking horrors that we've had to live through, we currently also now exist in a world in which the 2016 Robert DeNiro/Zac Efron film Dirty Grandpa was allowed to be made. Was that what Charlize Theron's breaking point was? Because having seen it, I have to admit that it almost broke me too. 

Meanwhile in Afghanistan, Nile Freeman, a young female American soldier gets herself killed whilst out on a mission. Not to worry though as it turns out that she's an immortal too and so promptly finds herself coming back to life for the first time later on that night. This might be a high-concept film but I'm sure we can all relate to the idea of coming home from work having felt like we've just fucking died. She begins to dream of Charlize Theron and her gang which promptly causes them to track her down and recruit her to their cause. Seems a bit unfair to me though. I've been dreaming about Charlize Theron for years and she's never decided to come after me as a result. Theron and Nile get into a little fight which ends with a bone sticking out of Nile's broken arm. Not only do I dream about Theron but she wouldn't even have to fight me if she wanted our first encounter to end with my bone protruding out of me. Gross. Too much. I retract that last bit and apologise. It is true though. It's funny how this new immortal just happens to be a soldier too and therefore perfect for the gang's mission of saving the world though, isn't it? I wonder if somewhere else in the world there's a 4000-year-old painter and decorator who's just confused-to-fuck about why he hasn't fucking died yet. At the very least you'd think that Theron and her gang would decide to give Kieth Richards a little look in wouldn't you? As it turns out, all of Nile's family have some connection to a profession that aims to protect us which leads Theron to conclude, “you're from a family of warriors”. Although with her accent I actually thought that she said, “you're from a family of worriers” and as I panic-sliced my dying cheese I wondered again why she hadn't come to recruit me too. 

I did, however, find myself really enjoying The Old Guard which had a much more melancholic feel to it than you might expect from a Netflix action movie about a gang of immortals. Who knew that constantly having to watch your entire various families die would be a bad thing? I have a step-mum and I'd happily watch her keel the fuck over. That might sound harsh but she literally shits onto the toilet seat and then leaves it there like an actual fucking psychopath. If there's anything that lets this film down it's that the villain here isn't quite as vile as that rank piece of shit that's married to my Dad. Just joking. She knows I'm joking. Not really. She's a cunt. The villain here is played by Harry Potter's Dudley Dursley who plays the whole role with the kind of irritating petulance you might expect from a boy who just only received thirty-six presents instead of thirty-seven. He also now kind of looks like Matt Smith but if he'd suffered a brain injury after a car crash. That's not so relevant to his performance but I just figured I'd mention it. The irony is that, what drew me into the film was the rest of the cast and their dynamic as a group of diverse individuals. They're not all white, they're not all straight, and they're not all male. In an action movie? I know. Weird right! The way that sexuality is depicted is perhaps one of the most refreshing parts of the film in how matter of fact it is. “He's not my boyfriend”. One of the main characters states when asked, “This man is more to me than you can dream. He's the moon when I'm lost in darkness, and warmth when I shiver in cold. And his kiss still thrills me even after a millennium. His heart overflows with a kindness of which this world is not worthy. I love this man beyond measure and reason. He's not my boyfriend... he is all, and more”. So basically they are bumming but it's not until you ask them that they get all fucking gay about it. 

That's about as cheesy as the film gets though which is pretty surprising when you consider that it has a similar set-up to the fucking Highlander franchise. It's just a shame that the main characters feel that violence is their only course of action when it comes to keeping the world on the straight and narrow. If they'd all just bought a house when they were younger and then simply kept investing and investing then based on their ages they could be actual fucking billionaires right now. They could be a sexier version of the Rothschild family but use their money for good instead of whatever the Rothchild's actually do. I don't know what.. Child sex trafficking. I have no evidence to support that claim but isn't that what all billionaires do these days? If The Old Guard put their minds together then they could have started their own version of the Bilderberg Group. But instead of working to implement capitalist dominance, it could have been for a true equality amongst the classes, a decent standard of living for everybody, and free puppies for all. How would the world not be a better place if we all had free puppies? But no. The Old Guard decided that a better use of their time would be to punch people in the fucking head and then moan about how little difference they've actually made. I quite enjoyed this film but for living in a world in which cheese can go mouldy, Dirty Grandpa to get made, and for my step-mum to shit on the lid of a toilet, I blame them. Our society is fucked because of all the horrible little people that are allowed to make it up and if there was any one reason that I would be an immortal it would be so that I have the time to meet every single last one of you and tell you that you're cunts. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time. 

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