Riddick wasn't
a bad film particularly, it's just that it seemed a bit lacking in the brain
department. As I mentioned, the first third is pretty much just him alone in
the desert and titting about with some crappy looking dog that he's found. The
problem with this bit though is that as an actor, Vin Diesel is about as
charismatic as a lightly-cooked turd on a stick and I say that as a huge fan of
Fast 5 and Furious 6. I loved those films because of how fucking
ridiculous they were and how obliviously serious he seems to take them. Here
however, there's no stunt too dumb to laugh at and if we're to compare the two
franchises then Riddick seriously suffers from its lack of The Rock...
although so do most films to be fair. Watching Vin pissing about on a lonely
planet for a while is made worse by how contrived the appearance of the mongo-looking
dog actually is. Not only does the creature look like it was created by a blind
animator with stumps for hands but it's blatantly only there to provide Riddick
with some motivation later on. Not only that but the dog also obviously exists
so that he has something to react to during these scenes when surely the
logical thing to do is to just fucking eat the thing. I know that everything in
a film tends to be there to progress the story of the main character but
usually it's done organically and in a way that feels at least a little more
subtle than a bite to the cock.
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| "This ain't nothing knew". |
When Diesel does open his mouth however he
randomly turns out to be a little bit rapey by aggressively threatening to shag
a lesbian in a fairly graphic way. This next bit probably counts as a spoiler
alert but really, that's only because it kind of spoils the film. As mentioned
there is only one main female here and interestingly she claims not to be into
guys. Usually this would be an opportunity to add depth to a character or at
least explore issues of sexuality and independence in a dystopian future.
Instead however the makers decide to go down a more homophobic path of simply
making her a prize to show how amazing Riddick actually is. By the end of the
film not only has his manliness managed to bag him a girl that would be
unobtainable to the rest of us but it's also implied that he's about to succeed
in fucking the gay out of her as well. What a guy! Personally I'm not a lesbian
but it does seem pretty offensive to treat homosexuality as a condition that
can be cured with just the smallest of pricks.
There is of course an alternative
possibility that the character is not really a lesbian and has just claimed it
to help stall any advances from her fellow horny crew members. Although to be
honest this would be crediting the franchise with more intelligence than it has
so far displayed in all of the three films. If this ruse is true then it might
go towards excusing the film from being homophobic but it's still a
sexist bag of wank. I think there are five female characters in total with one
being the probable lesbian who falls for the rapey Riddick and at least three
more being naked orgy members near the beginning. Obviously I'm not against sex
scenes in films but these three women literally only seem to show up to be
objectified by treating us to a cheeky bit of nipple and flashing their neatly
combed lady vadge's. The final woman is a prisoner of the bad guys who is raped
and killed within the space of about two minutes and again simply to provide
Riddick with some anger related motivation. This is made worse by the fact that
she and his dog exist for the same reason but with the shitty looking pixel-pooch
getting a significantly more memorable character arc. So according to this film
the ranking of importance is men at the top with space-dogs next and then
finally women at the bottom. If you see this film at the cinema and there's a
loud buzzing sound then please don't worry. It doesn't mean that the speakers
have broken it's just that the corpse of Emily Davison is somewhere spinning in
its grave at about four thousand rpm.
It's a shame about all this too because
before it crossed into this bizarre world of misogyny I was kind of enjoying
it. I mean yes, it's just a retread of Pitch Black and dragged out for
about thirty minutes longer, but it was okay I guess. There's some fun action
in it and enjoyably gloopy gore so I certainly wasn't too bored anyway. If I
were to guess, I would say that the main problem is that the whole thing just
feels like it's been made by a teenage boy whose in-between playing Xbox and
tossing off for the fourteenth time that hour. I think the design of Riddick
himself is kind of evidence of this as he's basically just some boring as fuck,
bald cunt with a green vest and some snazzy, swimming goggles. You can imagine
a kid in school drawing something as dumb as that and being as proud as tits
with his moronic creation. This apparently infantile outlook might also explain
the complete lack of understanding on gender equality and the very clichéd
characters and action. You know those annoying moments that pop up in all shit
action films from time to time? Well, expect them all here but only as a bit of
light relief from all the lady-bashing.
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| Nice tits... Shame about the existence of equal rights! |
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