Falling With Style

Gravity begins with three astronauts floating about in space like a few of lumps of turd as they attempt to fix the Hubble Telescope. Thirteen minutes later there's only two astronauts left, the telescope is gone, shrapnel is flying around destroying everything in its path and we're still waiting for somebody to cut to the second fucking shot. From this point on we're pretty much left with just George Clooney and Sandra Bullock as they bob about in space and try to figure out how to get back down to Earth without their rocket. Not only that but Bullock's oxygen supply is dangerously low and the shrapnel is looping right back towards them. Will Robinson's problem really was a piece of piss compared to these two who are not so much lost as they are well and truly fucked in space.

As far as the story goes, that's pretty much all there is to it. In fact it seems ironic that for a film as technically brilliant as this, everything about it kind of smacks of simplicity. Gravity presents itself as one of the more intellectual sci-fi films out there with posters and trailers hinting more towards Tarkovsky and Kubrick than Lucas and Spielberg. However there are a lot of big themes explored in 2001: Space Odyssey and even Solaris has a shit load more ideas than it does story. In fact if you want a heads up about Solaris then I really suggest that you go for the remake instead which is fairly faithful in terms of  concept but thankfully has a running time that feels about four days fucking shorter. Compared to these two monoliths of the genre, Gravity really only has the one main theme running through it and that is the idea of rebirth.

To infinity and beyond!

The characters themselves are also fairly simply drawn with Bullock playing a timid rookie with a tragic backstory and Clooney playing himself as a kind of live action version of Buzz Lightyear. In regards to Clooney being Clooney- well, that's fine because he does it well and he seems like he'd be a good guy to hang out with. Woody Allen only ever plays himself and nobody ever complains about that and he's even at a point where if he doesn't appear on screen, he just casts somebody else as his-fucking-self instead. Clooney's calming charm also works really well against Bullock's slightly more jittery newcomer who seems about as comfortable in outer-space as a nun might during an explosion at a rubber-cock factory. As simple as the characters are however both actors are absolutely phenomenal with Bullock actually delivering the performance of her career. I know it might seem hard to believe but she really is better in this existential space thriller then she was in such modern classics as The Lake House, The Proposal and Speed 2: Cruise Control. Urgh... For a great actress, she hasn't half done a lot of shit in her time.

The rebirth elements come in as Bullock attempts to not only get home but also get over her crappy-as-crap past. After the initial disaster takes place she finds herself floating in a small pod where she strips off her suit and ends up curled into the foetal position. This is one of the many nods towards the main theme with another coming near the end in which a character has to metaphorically crawl out of a primordial soup akin to that first cheeky bastard of a fish that thought it could walk. It's also fun to notice that when Bullock strips off in the pod, the scene plays out like an homage to the opening of Barbarella but where you're expected be thinking rather than wanking. Although having said that, Bullock does look amazingly great for a woman who is almost fifty and well over half way to probably being dead. People keep saying that this is the first film to actually justify being seen in 3D and from the moment she started to strip off it became blatantly obvious as to why that might be.

Anyway, so as well as Barbarella, the film also contains references to Wall-E, Star Wars and even Jaws. In fact director Alfonso Cuaron is even on record as saying that the structure of the film was inspired by Spielberg’s Duel which was about a demented Lorry driver that couldn't help but act the twat. It may look like a classy type of film but the reality is that Gravity couldn't be more of a popcorn-munching slab of trash if it wanted to be. As thrill-rides go, this really is the cinematic equivalent of an adrenaline shot to the cock. From the moment things go proper titty-slapping wrong, the pace barely relents as at every possible opportunity everything goes from bad to completely fucking worse. You know the opening of Raiders of the Lost Ark in which Indiana Jones escapes one trap only to jump right it another dick rash of a problem? Well Gravity is like that kind of bullshittery but with the added challenge of there being no gravity or stability and only a glass helmet to stop Bullock's arse hole being sucked through one of her eye sockets.

Suspense as Bullock remembers where she stored the love eggs.

On the surface this really does look like a Kubrick film with the most painfully precise camera movements and even a story that's blatantly reminiscent of that bit in 2001 where Hal became a big red knobhead, however below that and despite the posters, it really is just a Spielberg-ian roller-coaster in which a couple of big ideas are twinned with action that's so gripping that it could shatter a pensioners wrinkled old fingering fingers. In fact there's only really one bit where everything kind of grinds to a halt in a scene that may possibly divide audiences into those who like it and those who didn't. Without spoiling anything, it's the odd bit nearish to the end when Bullock is visited by a kind of guardian who provides her with an answer to one of her biggest noodle-scratchers. Personally I thought this scene was excellent but I can see why people might disagree with it... Firstly it is a little out of the blue and secondly we can't all be right. This bit also kind of hints towards the other smaller theme of the film which is about finding spirituality. But it's not really hammered home too much and isn't exactly the most original of ideas for a film like this to probe. Although for the record, when this film is out on DVD, I am going to have a fucking amazing night watching a triple bill of Gravity and the tonally similar Moon and Sunshine. Being single is great because it means I can do that kind of thing without having to worry if my loved one minds! On the downside I'm currently likely to die both alone and unloved. Ah well... swings and roundabouts.

So I think it's obvious that I really loved this movie and if you still want to be one of the cool kids then I really suggest you check Gravity out. Every so often there'll be a Matrix or Inception type film that marries quality with action and unites both critics with paying audiences and that's exactly what this is. If we want more original movies that dare to show some intelligence then paying to see Gravity really is a step towards making it happen. I guess I'll therefore conclude by also saying that the special effects too are absolutely phenomenal as we're treated to the most spectacular glimpses of the Earth and stars that I've ever seen on the big screen. In general I do hate 3D films with a passion because, to put it technically, the effect is both pointless and shit. I was forced to see Thor: The Dark World in 3D recently and as I said in that blog, it was like staring into a dark void through a layer of greasy, man-jizz. However the rumours are true and if there's one film to see in this format it really is Gravity. If the curvature of Bullock’s arse isn't your cup of tea then to see the curvature of our planet like this really is a movie experience that I don't think I'll ever forget. The images on show in Gravity couldn't be more beautiful had they been farted onto a silk canvas by God after having drank a litre of paint from an angel’s vagina. This film really is as good as you've heard.  

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Hammer Time

As you may have noticed we're all in a bit of trouble at the minute with planet Earth having spunked most of its money up the wall. Because of the deliciously titled ‘Credit Crunch’ a lot of people are having huge difficulty finding work and for a long time I was grimly among them. I can promise you that not being able to secure a job is one of the worst experiences that I've ever had to endure and I say this as a person who has also once had to have a catheter shoved up their knob. I applied for every job that I could find without any prejudice as to how shit it might actually be. I even applied to be a Supermarket Santa despite my CV lacking the obvious requirement of me being a known paedophile. What was most annoying though was that it seemed to me that the only way to get hired for anything was to be a child of somebody who could offer a job. If you didn't start life being shot out of the employers’ genitals then it felt like your application would go instantly into a pile labelled, “Not A Bastards Chance”.

With all this in mind I have to admit that for me the Thor franchise may have the most relevant and brilliant message of any Marvel film so far.  Odin is the King of Fantasy-Land with his title one day being passed onto one of his two sons. The job is basically Thor's but he's not sure if he wants it and although Loki is embarrassingly desperate, he's pretty much been told to go fuck himself. I know this is a world of robots, alien Gods and pasty-faced elves but if you look closely you'll see that the biggest turd poking out of the arse-hole of trouble is still nepotism. If the job of being King was passed on to the right candidate and not simply the right son, Loki would never have had a titty fit about his ‘birthright’ and therefore never would have killed all those innocent people. If this had been the case then neither Loki nor Thor would have gone to Earth and the Avengers would never have been formed. So literally everything that now happens in the Marvel Cinematic Universe will only be because some cunts only give jobs to their bratty fucking kids!

Eyes like piss-holes in the snow.

The latest entry in the series is Thor: The Dark World which any intellectuals reading will deduce is a sequel to Thor and a kind of a semi-sequel to what the UK rather shitely knows as Avengers Assemble. This time around, Thor is out restoring peace to various worlds by relentlessly, undiplomatically slaughtering any troublemakers whilst Loki remains peacefully imprisoned back at home in a plastic twat-tank. At the same time there's also a puddle of demonic black jizz hidden in the universe that an evil albino elf is trying to locate so that he can more expertly express himself through the art of being a massive angry shit. Oh and there's also a million other little subplots pissing about throughout too such as Kat Dennings befriending an intern with all the skill and grace of an autistic and Stellan Skarsgard's multiple attempts at flashing his cock. I suppose the most important distraction though is Natalie Portman's relationship with Thor. Despite only spending a limited amount of time together in the first film, she is still obsessively praying for him to return like a frumpy housewife that's desperately waiting up for her boozehound husband.

So firstly I'm happy to confirm that the film was really good. If you've enjoyed Marvel's output over the last few years then I'm sure you'll like this too and if not then I sadly can't guarantee that we'll be able to remain friends any longer. One thing that really pisses me off about some films is the way in which they expect you to know shit before going in. For me, a movie really needs to be a complete experience and shouldn't rely on you having seen previous instalments, read the books, sat on the merchandised dildo or done any other unnecessary fucking homework to enjoy it. The genius of Marvel is that so far they've just about managed to walk that dickish knife-edge of producing standalone films that still further an ongoing story. If you've seen all of their previous films then this will of course be a more rewarding experience for you but if you've not and this is your first then you'll still survive being dropped in. Oh, and if this is your first Marvel film and you've managed to avoid the hyped, well-received and financially successful series, I guess the only thing I would ask is... What the fuck?

Thor 2: Probing The Dark World

One of the many ways that Marvel Studios have managed to remain so fresh is by generally avoiding making the same film twice. They've done period action, sci-fi espionage, alien invasion, camp-fantasy, and now err, well I guess a grittier-but-still-camp sci-fi-fantasy? I'm hoping that by the time they get to a Black Widow spin-off, they've run out of new genres and so for the sake of originality have to dabble in hardcore pornography. The first Thor movie had a kind of Flash Gordon vibe running through it however this sequel actually has a much muddier kind of earthy thing going on. Something tells me that the sudden loss of pantomime is probably thanks to the hiring of Game of Thrones director Alan Taylor having lost the previous films slightly less subtle Gilderoy Lockhart. Taylor both continues and expands the world that Branagh created with the results being eye bleedingly good. It's also worth noting that the sci-fi element has really been ramped up here too. People ride in weird flying lazer boats and elves are armed with both swords and fuck-off rocket launchers. In fact I'd like to say that the whole design of the film is possibly the most impressive thing about the entire movie. I'd like to say that but due to a balls up at the cinema, I was forced to see Thor: The Dark World in 3D and to put it mildly, it looked shite. Everything was slightly blurry as though I was watching it through a filter of jizz and the whole thing was also so fucking dark that I'd jump every-time I heard the booming voice of the always amazing Idris Elba. 

In terms of the film itself though, I guess my only issue really would be with the underdevelopment of a couple of characters. Like I mentioned, Natalie Portman does basically nothing other than get into trouble, wait to be shagged and spout out exposition. If you’re not a fan of bullshit science in which people run around with the phlange-o-meter whilst shouting about the location of Smeg-gasm's then prepare to be annoyed with this. The main baddie here is also pretty crap which is a shame because he's played by Christopher Eccleston who’s usually really good. However all he has to do is stomp about under layers of prosthetics and mumble in a made-up language and so his character ends up with about as much personality as a stale, puddle of dog piss. Loki is obviously around to pick up the slack and seems as he's become such a cult character over the years it does seem like a lot more time has been spent crafting his significantly wittier dialogue. This isn't a problem just yet but there's only so many times that he can be relied on before fatigue sets in and a fresh ‘quim’ becomes essential.

The action in the film is as entertaining as you'd hope and like Iron Man 3 it even manages to be funnier than most of the actual comedies that get dribbled out from the lazy cock-end of Hollywood. The final showdown here is also a great mixture of fighting and humour as Thor gets more laughs from his hammer than British TV-tit Timmy Mallet ever managed in his entire 'career'. The plot is a tiny bit on the crud side with more holes than a specialist brothel for fans of conjoined twins and there are at least a few moments in which shit happens simply because of a miraculous coincidence. Thor's arc too is kind of similar to Superman's in Superman 2 in which he must choose between his responsibilities and the love of his life. Although considering that his girlfriend here is Natalie Portman, that really isn't much of a choice. Along with a depressing amount of others, Portman is very near the top of my long list of, 'women I'm in love with that wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire'. Thor: The Dark World isn't the best film of the year but it's still really good and unless you're inconvenienced by the kindness of death then I’d strongly recommend going to see it. Just if you do go then make sure you see it in 2D as it was originally filmed. I promise that where cinema is concerned, films that are retro-fitted to 3D like this really are the artistic equivalent of and as painful as having someone stamp on your cock.  

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I Just Blue Myself

I hate having to go to a 3D movie. If it had been forced upon us for artistic reasons then perhaps I'd be more forgiving but the truth is that it was a gimmick designed to combat piracy. If that's the case then fine but it seems a bit shitty to whack the price up and charge more for those of us who have bothered to actually go to the cinema. Not only does the film itself cost more to see but they then also charge extra for use of those mongo looking glasses too. I understand the staff there are doing a menial job for exploitatively low wages but if they're going to fuck me up the arse then the least they can do is smile whilst it's happening. Plus based on its entire concept, 3D is clearly the Chris Tucker of gimmicks in that it's both irritatingly unnecessary and distracts the living fuck out of me. I really don't need a film to shoot things out of the screen unless we're in the unlikely situation that it stars Angelina Jolie and the script makes constant use of the word “squirting”.

Of course though, 3D is actually half the age of Joan Rivers having been used as far back as 1915. This new wave of extra-dimensional cinematography however, was kickstarted in 2009 when James Cameron's Avatar was thrust upon us with more excitement than a free shot of heroin to the eyeball. To their absolute credit they did manage to create a hell of a lot of hype for a film that most of us didn't really know anything about. At least I'm guessing it was the genius marketing that caused people to flock to it because it sure as fuck wasn't the story. For anybody who somehow doesn't know, it's pretty much just Pocahontas but with an Alien species called the Na'vi as a stand in for the Native Americans. I should also possibly clarify that by Pocahontas I mean the cartoon and not the true story that involves significantly more kidnap, rape and death than Disney bizarrely seemed to mention. Although I'm sure I don't need to have said any of that considering that Avatar is currently the highest grossing movie on the planet. Still, as the mega-rich Donald Trump has proven, just because something makes a lot of money it doesn’t mean it can't also be a fat lump of shit.

Cheetara says: "Don't share needles."

So Avatar, to me, was fairly annoying because it both brought back 3D and also had a story that was about as unique as a toothless whore in a hardened cock-factory, however the real achievement is not in the films 3D technology but in its ability to believably render some fucking ridiculous looking aliens. The Na'vi themselves are at times completely photorealistic and that's despite their design reminding me of an AIDs riddled Thundercat. I think this was the first film too that managed to solve the problem of CG characters having that weird dead-eyed thing. For anyone who has forgotten, this was a kind of glazed over disconnect that characters used to have in films like The Polar Express which really made it difficult to believe in them. Since the progress of Avatar, this dead-eyed problem seems to have been solved and can only now be found in interviews where Bruce Willis has been forced to talk about his latest shit action film.

However it's not just the Na'vi that have been created inside a computer but from what I can tell pretty much everything else was as well. The sets and background creatures are phenomenally well rendered considering everything was filmed in the kind of empty warehouse that might once have been used to kill chickens in. In fact it's the imaginative colours of the various different species and plant-life in Avatar that is one of my favourite things about the film. It's as though all those tree fucking hippies actually managed to impregnate Mother Nature and eventually all their various children came out tie-died. The only downside to this is that near the end there is a lot going on in terms of big battles and it stops being quite so convincing. It is all still fun, it's just that with so many colourful and obviously computerised images fighting the shit out of each other it sort of turns into a kind of psychopathic movie from Pixar.

The other thing that deserves to be praised is the performances. Like I said, the whole thing was filmed in an empty room and so the actors did very well to be able to imagine their surroundings and play off things that weren't really there. I guess it helps when the kind of people that you've hired are as amazing as Sigourney Weaver but still... Actually now that I think about it, Weaver’s blue Avatar kind of looks like the corpse of Ellen Ripley if you were to drag it out of a polluted lake and then punch it in the face. All of the characters are fairly clichéd but its cast do well to make us forget. I guess this just means that James Cameron is better at directing than he is at writing which might also explain why he invents words such as Unobtainium. If you have to come up with the name of a valuable mineral and you're happy to use something as shit as that then you may as well go one further and just name it CuntsRock. The other thing that I really hated in regards to the script was the voice-over from Sam Worthington. I'm not sure if it's in every version of the film but it is in the extended cut and was like having a dribbling fucktard sitting over your shoulder and badly describing everything that you could already see. If that's the kind of experience you’re after then I strongly recommend listening to Arnie's commentary for Total Recall which is actually hilarious.   

The other thing about Avatar that I really hated was the score which was really god damn awful. If I have one pet peeve, it's those Gladiator-esque themes that sound like an African woman wailing after she's been hoofed in the fanny and this film is full of them. Also the soundtrack was composed by James Horner who I hate at the best of times because it seems that his music is permanently set to shit. To make things worse though, there's a piece in Avatar that sounded strangely familiar. After a few seconds of scanning my autistic movie-brain, I realised that the film Troy had used the exact same fucking theme. Amazed by this shocking level of shoddiness I quickly went to YouTube to see if I was right and it turns out that I was. Not only that but according to a video that somebody had made, Horner had used this particular theme in loads of his other movies over and over again. If you remember at the start of this blog I said that people working in a cinema do a menial job for exploitatively low wages. Well in contrast, Horner gets paid loads of money to do his dream job and yet is squandering this gift to be a proper lazy twat about it. However even that is nothing in comparison to the bloody awful Leona Lewis song that plays out over Avatar's credits at the end. I don't know who wrote that sappy ballad of bollocks but it's so offensively crap that I can only conclude that they must have committed some sort of crime in its creation. If you can imagine what notes you'd use to replicate the feeling of having barbed-wire dragged through your bleeding ears then that's basically what this shit song sounds like.

Check out this sexy blue alien monster!

Still, I hope it doesn't sound like I don't like the movie because I really do. I mean yes, it's way too long, features cardboard characters and has a familiar plot that's derived from one of the crappier Disney films but you know... I hate to nitpick. In regards to the CG, it is technically brilliant and the creativity involved in designing creatures and environments was so cool that it was like having my eye balls slit open with an LSD-lined razor blade. I really love films that explore jungles full of exotic species and like Jurassic Park and King Kong- this film does just that. I really don't need any of the Pocahontas shit, even if it has a fairly positive ‘treat the world with respect’ type message. Just show me a colourful creature with nine legs, an arsehole full of teeth and an angry dick and I'll be more than entertained. The writing of the film is rubbish but we can't deny the impact if its execution. Plus the Na'vi use this weird thing in their head to both fuck each other and ride animals. Other than the whole eco thing, the message of this film seems to be that you should stand up for your right to make love to any species whether it be horse, bird or alien. Whether I agree with that or not, I have to admire the balls of a big budget movie that is clearly pro-bestiality.

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Time for Judgement

I saw a crime happening once...

It was about 2:00 in the morning, I was sitting at the computer and rain was beating heavily against the window. I was probably searching for porn when in the corner of my eye I noticed a flash of light. Initially I assumed it was lighting but there was suspiciously no sound of thunder. I was about to ignore it when there was a second flash, and then a third. I looked out of the window to investigate and was stunned with what I saw.

Walking down the road was a young couple who had been caught in the rain. Because of how wet it was, the girl had done what any classy dame would and stripped completely off. There was another flash of light and I realised it was, assumedly, her boyfriend- he was walking ahead and taking pictures. Only a few seconds later, they'd turned the corner and were gone. I don't know what happened to them after that, but I'd have loved to have seen the photos the next day. Excited to see proof of their mischief, they'd have opened the photographs and then noticed it- in the background of every single shot would be my face pressed up against the window, breathing and drooling. I'm aware that wandering the streets with your clam-flaps out is illegal, but frankly it's a law that I feel needs revising.

One man who wouldn't have been seduced by this naked marathon of criminality is Judge Joseph Dredd. Dredd 3D is the latest film to be released about the fascist rozzer of the future and the first in which he's depicted by a fully evolved human. He received his original cinematic outing in 1995 when he was famously portrayed by the dopey-faced humanzee, Sylvester Stallone. Unfortunately the film was notoriously crap and further proof that Mongy Kong should stick to making his Rocky movies. They're crap too but at least he can successfully take a punch to the head without a risk of any long term damage.

Dredd is of course a reboot for the character who is now being played by Karl Urban. Not that you can tell of course as the character rightly spends the entire film with his face hidden from view. Considering how iconic his helmet is, to not have Judge Dredd wear it is a bit like having Indiana Jones without his whip or Lisbeth Salander without her anti-rape dildo. Of course this was therefore one of the many errors of 95's Judge Dredd in which Stallone spent the whole movie offending viewers with the sight of his Deliverence-esque face. In contrast however, Urban luckily proves himself to be very good at mouth acting by gurning himself up the cool list like a pissed off Popeye on bathsalts. His trick in projecting pure menace and cool seems to be simply fixing his lips to a grimace that suggests he's about to shit out a watermelon but then clenching tight, until his balls hurt. I actually did something very similar the other week by trying to force out a crap that I didn't really need. In the end I pushed so hard that my face turned bright red and I accidentally puked in my mouth.

Anyway, so the film starts with a brief history of Mega-City One. It has a population of 800 million people and a crime problem almost as serious as modern day Manchester. As a result, certain law enforcers have been granted the privilege of Judge Judy and Executioner. Dredd is one of those trigger happy authoritarians and one who has just been given the task of observing a new recruit called Judge Anderson played by Juno's Olivia Thirlby. Anderson is a young female mutant who, like all women, thinks she can read your mind and attempts to prove it by deducing that a criminal is picturing her naked. Although being honest, it probably doesn't take magic powers to know that anybody in Olivia Thirlby's company is thinking about shagging her.

Unlike famous British bullshitter Sally Morgan however, Anderson is an actual psychic and not just a manipulative cunt who takes advantage of vulnerable members of the public. So far my favourite Sally Morgan video is where she holds up a photograph of an old person and asks a member of the audience if the pensioners name was Bernard. The audience member then corrects Sally the Charlatan by informing her that it's actually their Nan. I'd hate to imply that all “psychics” are evil fakes like Sally Morgan is because that's obviously not true. At least a couple of them are probably mental too.

So Dredd and Anderson are called to a tower block to investigate the death of several junkies. It seems that this area has been flooded with a new substance known as Slo-Mo which has to be the most boring drug ever invented. I've never taken ecstasy but I hear it hippies you up with temporary joy and happiness, making music and people more tolerable. Slo-Mo however simply makes the brain perceive things at one percent its normal rate, which is a bit like watching Sex and the City 2 whilst trying not to fall asleep after a horribly failed attempt at masturbation. Despite the violence of Dredd, I ironically found that 2010 tart-a-thon to be a lot more morally offensive with its ignorant undertones of sexism and racism. Also, Sarah Jessica Parker spent far too long trotting around without a jockey for me to take it seriously. Every time her character referred to her writings, I wasn't sure if she was after a Pulitzer or a sugar cube. I'm currently in the middle of writing a fanscript for Sex and the City 3 which consists simply of a five minute visit to the glue factory followed by a round of applause. The encouraging thing is that I'm yet to type anything up and already my blank script is more insightful than the crayon-and-shit-smeared screenplay of the first two movies combined.

Anyway unfortunately for Dredd and Anderson, the tower block in which they are investigating is run by a powerful gang leader known as Ma-Ma. Once she gets wind of their presence, she has the building locked down and orders her people to kill the two Judges. The rest of the film from this point on simply consists of Dredd and the rookie trying not to die as waves of tooled up residents head straight for them. It's kind of like walking into a busy high-street, finding a random stranger and then shouting, “there's the paedophile”. Within minutes the unfortunate cunt will be running for his life as each member of the public unquestionably chases after him with bricks and knives

There appears to be one big problem with the plot of Dredd and that is that it's apparently near identical to that of The Raid. Not only that, but from what I hear, The Raid may well be one of the best action movies of recent years. Of course nobody is accusing either film of copying the other with it obviously being just one of those things. Dredd's cameras may have been rolling almost five months earlier but The Raid was released first. Luckily for me though I'm yet to see that superior film and so was able enjoy the genius of Dredd free from the curse of comparison. Not only that but I've got another even better film apparently still to watch. It's kind of like fucking someone in the folds of their fat and then finding out afterwards that there's still a vagina to explore. I definitely had fun the first time and so can't wait for the the superior experience.

Dredd has several other things making it brilliant, with the most obvious being the character himself. Judge Dredd may well be a monosyllabic, unlikeable cunt but he's also fucking cool. Steven Seagal has been larding his way through action movies for years and he's never said anything even half as cool as any one of Dredd's three lines. “Ma-Ma's not the Law- I'm the Law”, may sound like something from an inevitably explosive remake of Psycho by Michael Bay, but here it becomes Dredds equivalent of, “Make my day, punk”. In the world of red tape and bureaucracy that we live in, it's nice to see a man of action. I think when Dredd shoots a flare into a criminals mouth causing his face to melt off, we get the impression that that's exactly what he is. Dredd isn't quite the kind of guy who shoots first and asks questions later. He's more the kind of guy who shoots first and then forgets about the questions altogether.

In recent years, action films have had their balls well and truly chopped off. Whereas once we were inundated with the adult orientated gunplay of Die Hard and Point Break, we are now smothered in a world of the suffocating bland. Our cinemas are full of films like Resident Evil: Retribution which clog themselves up like a stubborn turd that refuses to flush. What Dredd does to counter this is to include a little bit of politics and the goriest movie violence this side of an Al-Qaeda snuff movie. I can't stand real violence in the slightest but a film in which we see someone's cheek slowly rip open as a bullet passes through it is a real treat. In any case, it certainly provided an effective antidote to the decaying pain of brain-syphilis that is still infecting me from my viewing of Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

As for the politics- well, Dredd is of course an undeniable fascist. However, in the locked down tower, his lethal actions seem fairly justified with his violence being as a result of his need to survive. In future instalments I'd perhaps quite like to see him simply executing people as a result of his own judgement. Beyond the joyously head splattering violence that this would provide, it would also be an interesting exploration into the morality of his life whilst at work on the streets. Personally I'm against capital punishment, with my main objection being in regards to its ethical hypocrisy. I honestly don't know how a simple serial killer can be put on death row for their atrocious crimes whereas someone as evil as Piers Morgan gets his own chat-show. I know that a nutter with a knife may seem like more of a threat to society but in actual fact, Morgan's smug levels are so high that they're almost radioactive. I don't know if it's true, but I heard that licking his face is actually more fatal than sticking a poisonous frog up your arse and then trying to fart it out. Either way, it's the latter that certainly sounds a hell of a lot more fun.

Director Pete Travis and writer Alex Garland have done a great job of finally getting the real Judge Dredd to the big screen. Travis' back catalogue might not exactly be the most impressive, however I've been a huge fan of Garland's since he wiped out the population of London in 28 Days Later. Despite Dredd simply being Dirty Harry meets Die Hard-in-the-future, his script does its best to stay as grounded as possible, avoiding the trap of most action movie cliches.

If I have any criticism, it's during a scene in which Dredd is about to be killed. Rather than just shoot him, his attacker instead begins to gloat. Not just for a second either, he begins to waffle on and on like an attention starved retard for a couple of minutes. Although the entire film is brilliant, this one scene does accidentally turn into that Simpsons episode in which Bart delays Sideshow Bob by asking him to perform the H.M.S. Pinafore in its entirety. After Dredd obviously escapes this situation he tends to a stomach wound by simply stapling it up. I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure Dredd's staples wouldn't prevent any internal bleeding. I'm therefore going to assume that the moment the closing credits began, his adrenalin would have stopped pumping and he'd have collapsed unconscious to the ground. I once shaved my face so fast that it started bleeding to the point that I thought I should call for an ambulance so there's no fucking way he'd just 'be fine'.

A final compliment to the movie would be the price that I had to pay for it. When arriving at the cinema, I hadn't realised it was exclusively showing in 3D and so became suitably pissed off. Personally I hate this shitty gimmick that's being forced upon us and so can't wait for it to just fuck right off. I was also forced to watch Avengers Assemble this way which was a pain in the arse because of the way it reduces the light. That film apparently begins with Nick Fury surviving a night time assault but all I could see was his one fucking eye bouncing around the screen. When I arrived to see Dredd and was charged extra for both the ticket and glasses, I felt well and truly raped. Being forced to pay extra for something I didn't want in the first place must be like being forcefully arse-fucked up an alley and then told to thank your attacker for his effort. When the film started I was obviously still feeling dirty, annoyed and abused. The 3D adds nothing to Dredd whatsoever but within seconds I'd forgotten all about it. From the moment Urban's voice growls over the film's introduction, I was lost in the world of Mega City One. Dredd is a film with a cool, fuck-you attitude, as blunt and to the point as being kicked in the face. It has similar drug effects to Limitless, the action gore of Wanted and the gritty visuals of District 9. I can only assume that if The Raid is better then it must simply be two solid hours of watching someone machine gun Piers Morgan's lifeless corpse back to Hell. If I was to summarise this overly-long blog of waffle, it would probably be these five words, “Stallone should be fucking ashamed”. Now, I apologise for taking up so much of your internet-time. Please get back to enjoying some porn and hopefully see you back here soon.

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