I Know That I Know Nothing

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I know that when I meet new people I ask a lot of questions, but what's so bad about that? Oh look, there was a question! But are questions really so bad? Oh- there was another! People criticise me for asking pointless questions but if you're talking to another human for the first time then I think there's a lot of important things that need to be asked. Do you believe in God? Do you like cartoons? These are decisive factors regarding whether or not I think we can be friends. For me the answer to both of those big questions is of course not, I'm not a fucking child... just kidding, I love cartoons! Also, for the record, if I am asking too many questions then maybe it's because you're not pulling your weight in whatever shit conversation I'm being forced to have with you. If I don't know you then the odds are I don't want to be talking to you and so have ended up in the situation against my will. So you know... do your bit, dickhead!  

Fight Your Guts Out

If you were to slice open my veins, I swear to God I'd bleed out cheese. When my Mum left, I suddenly lost a shit-load of weight and for the first time in my life I was actually skinny. Not because I wasn't eating by the way, but because suddenly I was responsible for whatever shit I wanted to stuff into my greedy face. As it turns out, I pretty exclusively love meat, bread and not much else. It took me a few months to realise that I'd accidentally put myself on the Atkins Diet and was probably one spoonful of mayo away from a full cardiac arrest. In a brief attempt to remain alive, I therefore decided to go for a jog which to my surprise started off quite well. In fact it was so easy that for a split second I thought that I might actually be a runner and it'd just taken me this long to try it and realise. It didn't last... by the second minute, I was basically just dragging myself along the pavement unable to breathe and using what little energy I had left to try and resist the urge to puke out my fucking lungs. Oh, and none of that is counting the time I went so long without eating fruit that my lips started to fall off and I became the first non-pirate ever to possibly catch scurvy. To reiterate, I might not be fat but I am not a fit or healthy person.