Help The Aged

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The villain of Netflix's new film The Old Guard plans to capture a gang of immortals so that he can experiment on their genetic make-up to find a way of having us normal folk live a little longer. What an evil bastard. Not because he wants to capture the immortals. I couldn't give a shit about them, but why the fuck is he trying to extend my life? The other day I discovered that I'd panic-bought so much cheese that a lot of it was about to go past its expiration date. Amid this absolute fucking hysteria, I began performing several surgical operations on the cheese to remove its cancer-like mould before then traipsing around my local area to find friends who might be willing to store it in their fucking freezers for me. Right now, the average lifespan for a male in my country is about 81 years old, of which I have already had 31. Are you seriously telling me that somebody wants me to live past that? I can't even look after a few blocks of fucking cheese and yet somebody thinks that I'm so important that it would an absolute tragedy if I lived passed the next 50 years? Fuck that and fuck them. I don't mind spending my day on a brief pilgrimage to cytogenetically freeze my soon-to-be-off dairy products if I've only got half-a-fucking-century to kill. But if I've got longer than that then what the fuck am I going to do with my time? No, thank you. How about trying to extend the life-span of my fucking cheese and then perhaps we can talk. 

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Some Very White-Knuckle Action

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If Eve was made from a piece of Adam's rib then I'd suggest that Chris Hemsworth was grown from a sliver of God's own cock. Have you seen Chris Hemsworth? Has he been here since the dawn of time? Because he looks like the archetypal alpha-human that the rest of us mere mutants might have once spawned from. I see him as that first completely pure wolf to walk out of the forest before being bred with increasingly inferior creatures until you've ended up with us.. his Shih Tzu descendants. We're the bastard mongrels of his original super-being and I feel fucking sick about myself. As an atheist I find the Garden Of Eden to be quite a farfetched story but if I'd not seen Chris Hemsworth with my own eyes then I'd probably say the same about him. There might not be any treacherous snake involved here but have you seen Hemsworth's arms? In his new action film Extraction, they're so fat and veiny that they looked like a close-up of a porn stars dick. After years of being exposed to unnecessarily misogynistic online pornography, my brain had been conditioned to expect him to shout, “choke on this, you bitch”, every time he'd punch somebody in the face. I don't know where the filmmakers took inspiration from for these fight scenes but they reminded me of a blooper reel from fucking Deep Throat. At one point in this film, he jumps off a cliff and lands straight into the sea which I can only assume was a special effect for fear of the ensuing tsunami being an extinction-level event that would devastate our entire fucking planet had it been done for real. 

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