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Normally
I believe that a film should be completely self-contained with all of
the information needed to understand its plot housed within its own
running time. I remember having a question about The Da
Vinci Code to which a friend
reliably informed me that if I'd read the book then the film would
make complete sense. But in the same way that I shouldn't have to
watch a terrible film to find out the shite books that my friends actually
read, nor should I have to read a shite book to understand a film
that I've already shat away two hours of my life on. By that
same logic, I therefore consider it an absolute criticism of Avengers:
Infinity War that if I'd had a
Marvel-Virgin with me then the only real way that they'd know why
Iron-Man and Captain America weren't talking is if I then gave them
about seven more DVD's to watch as fucking homework. On the flip-side
to that of course, I suppose you have to ask- who the fuck cares? The
screen that I saw this movie at was so full that two young boys had
to ask if we could possibly move up in our row to allow them two
seats to sit together in. Even after we told them to go fuck
themselves they really did struggle to find anywhere else. So
although it is a shame that the film isn't able to explain every one
of it's seventy-two main characters I think it's fair to assume that
this franchise is popular enough that most people will probably know.
Admittedly two girls near us did ask, “is Doctor Strange 'Tony'?”
But I'm not sure that some exposition within the film would have
helped them as they looked so thick that I was surprised it was
pop-corn they were eating and not fucking sea-weed.
And
speaking of the characters, it's worth noting that Thanos talks in the
movie about 'balance' which is ironic because despite being his sole
motivation, 'balance' is also the thing that the film itself has to
battle the most against. Not only does it have to balance all of
these main characters but it also has to balance the tone that they
bring with them. Doctor Strange deserves as much attention as the
Guardians Of The Galaxy but how do you make a film that features a
pretentious wizard and a band of disco-loving space bastards? Not
only that but Avengers: Infinity War pretty
much needs to be a sequel to all of these movies too. So not only
does it need to balance the characters and tones but it needs to pick
up where all of those individual franchises left off and bring them
into its own story with as little contrivance as possible. I know U2
are popular but the Marvel movies are popular and not total shite and
so it'd be a shame to fuck all of that up now. It therefore seems
that the film is able to balance all of these individual aspects by
simply being an incredible fucking piece of work. I have no idea how
one film can be a sequel to both Black Panther and
Thor: Ragnarok but nor
can I understand how something as kickable as a man's nut-sack can
contain the ingredients for life.. and yet having seen the film, and
as I sit here with my balls crushed between my legs, I simply have to
accept the facts.
The
tones of each character are blended perfectly by simply making the
jarring nature of their differences the appeal of teaming them up.
It's fun to see the tree-man Groot clash with the space God Thor in
the same way that it's fun to see Trump meet other world leaders. Except
in the movie the characters were more believable and I didn't start
googling the odds of my own death whenever they'd all meet. The
individual characters are balanced in terms of screen-time because
the film works like clockwork. Spider-Man is as much a cog in the
machine as Captain America with everybody working exclusively to
serve the story, which is a strategy that has both its pros and cons.
The pro is that no character is short-changed however the con is that
I rarely felt caught up in an individuals own personal dilemma.
Consider Stark's reaction to the final twists of Captain
America: Civil War and remember
that you were invested in that exclusively because of how the
revelations made him feel. However here you don't really feel
anything because of a character, but because of the overall story
instead. There's a battle featuring several characters in Wakanda
near the end and at no point did I really feel tension because of any
one person but simply because I understood the importance of this
sub-plot. It's kind of like being scared during Little Red
Riding Hood not because you
worry for her safety but because you simply understand the danger of
going into the woods. Especially if you go to the woods near me where
some fat bloke in a bikini has genuinely been chasing joggers every
morning.
Now that I've hinted
towards the third act, I can also feel those four people in the world
that are yet to see the movie begin to panic. And understandably too
because without giving anything away there are things that happen in
this movie that you don't want spoilt for you before going in. I had
no idea that Captain America's head was just going to fall off like
that but I definitely didn't let it distract me from The Chuckle
Brothers cameo in the final few seconds of the gay orgy scene. To
talk a little more vaguely, I feel that the ending of this movie was
absolutely incredible with one minor flaw.. I kind of didn't entirely
accept it. Yet. I remember not being too bothered by Groot's death in
Guardian's Of The Galaxy because
I knew that there'd be a way to bring him back which seemed to be the
case when Rocket then picked up a twig and grew Baby Groot. Except
director James Gunn then pointed out afterwards that Groot did in
fact die, Baby Groot is actually his son and now the end of that
movie absolutely floors. Assuming that something terrible happens to
somebody or some people at the end of this movie then rather than
being upset that these things were or weren't taking place, I was
simply curious as to how it all might be undone by the next movie.
Which isn't to say I didn't enjoy the climax as a scene but rather
that, like with James Gunn's Groot clarification, I feel like I need to
wait until the next Avengers film explains the permanence of this
current situation before I can fully invest in it. And if what I've
just said here sounds like total waffle to you then let me know and
I'll fight you because it's crystal fucking clear what I'm trying to
say.
To
contradict myself slightly though there is actually one character who
I felt a certain amount of emotion for and that's Thanos himself. His
plan is to wipe out almost half of all life and, as a giant
misanthrope, I was already wishing for somebody to do the same in the
noisy cinema screening I was in. Whereas most of the characters here exist
to serve the story, he's actually the one person pushing it forwards,
and so the cross-cutting final third probably works because we're
following him stomp his way through it all. I actually found his
journey throughout the final few seconds quite touching which is
pretty impressive for a man that looks like somebody has stuck their
genitals into an electric fan. I'm not saying that I felt sympathy,
but rather after having endured as much of Trump as we have, it was
nice to see a psychopathic leader with the capacity to think of
what's best for somebody other than himself. It was also good to
finally find out why Hawkeye has been absent from all of the
marketing of this film which I've heard the directors say was because
they had something “special” planned for him. Well having now
seen it I can only assume that the 'special' thing is that they've
fucking fired him because he's not in this movie at all. Overall
though, Avengers: Infinity War is
a monumental achievement. This is Marvel's The Two Towers
and although its Return
Of The King is only a year away,
like an Amsterdam cock replica... that just seems too damn long!
Thanks for reading motherfuckers and see you next time.
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