Imagine Being Stuck Inside With Nothing To Do!

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Disturbia is a film about a guy, played by Shia LaBeouf, who is put under house arrest for living the dream and punching out one of his teachers. We've all been there, haven't we? An authority figure has given us a shitty look or a pissy comment and then we've spent the rest of the day just fantasising about what it might have been like to roundhouse kick them into the fucking road. Just imagine if you could do that and the worst thing that would happen to you is that you get told to stay in the house and to stop being naughty for a while. I haven't assaulted anybody and I'm having to go through that same punishment simply because somebody developed a sniffle after boning a fucking bat. As I write this now we're in the middle of the Coronapocalypse and being told to stay in our houses and my God it's fucking boring. What the fuck is there to do? There's nothing is there? Well, there's all of our gaming consoles, streaming services, social media, and I'm basically at the point where I've accidentally wanked my dick down to the size of a fucking toothpick. But other than that what else is there to do but to look out of the window and wonder what our neighbours might be up to? In the case of Shia LaBeouf, he's convinced that the bloke across the road from him has started to kill people for fun and I know how he feels. The other day I had a look out the window and saw Joan from across the road coughing her guts up into the face of our local postman.

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Having A Gay Old Time

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I think I was about sixteen when my Mum worked out that I was gay. According to her, the thing that gave me away was the fact that I had a huge picture of a man on my bedroom wall and that I'd spent the last week banging on about another one that I liked. As a result I obviously never had to make the decision to come out as gay to her which would have probably been a huge relief if it wasn't for one small thing.. I'm not fucking gay. The poster on my wall was of Raiders Of The Lost Ark featuring Harrison Ford and the man I was banging on about was Bill Murray having just discovered the films of Wes Anderson. I mean even if I was gay I'd like to think that I'd fancy at least one person below the age of fucking sixty. Love, Simon begins with the main character of Simon informing us that he has a “big ass secret”. “Do you have a big ass secret?” I asked my friend who I'm fully aware is sensitive about the fact that he has a big ass. In the case of Simon, his secret is that he's actually gay but being in his final year of school, he is yet to come out to anybody. My friend took offence because he thought I was making fun of his fat arse which is unfair because really I was simply implying that I think he's gay too.

With Another Reboot Comes Great Responsibility

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It seems that these days Spider-Man reboots are a bit like people called Dave.. there's just so fucking many of them. After Sam Raimi's third Spider-Man threw so much shit at the wall that it ended up choking to death on the fumes of its own ineptitude, we got The Amazing Spider-Man. Andrew Garfield's Peter Parker was okay, with the biggest problem being that he was playing a high schooler that looked old enough to be a Junior Manager at a struggling PR company. You could almost hear him saying, “Lose the 'The' in The Spider-Man; it's cleaner”. However the biggest problem of that rebooted series was that it seemed like it had almost no understanding of the franchise itself. Christopher Nolan's Batman movies worked so well because he made a film that was completely in tone with its title character. However The Amazing Spider-Man failed because rather than looking at Batman Begins and making a film that finally fit their character, they instead looked at Batman Begins and simply tried to make Batman fucking Begins.