Boning Up: Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes

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What's the story?

James Franco plays a scientist that accidentally creates a drug that gives monkeys a super-smartness that will ultimately take over the world. The only unbelievable bit of that sentence is that James Franco plays a scientist. After being kicked out of his job because an escaped monkey was gunned down during one of his meetings he decides to continue his experiments at home with a baby chimp that he has essentially stolen from work. Over the years this chimp, Caesar, does indeed become super-smart and essentially sets about doing the same thing to every other monkey in the area. He has his reasons though, so let's not judge him too harshly.. Mostly that humans are pricks. Franco is a good human but the rest of us really do seem to be absolute cock-munchers so fuck us.. fuck us all to Hell! If you want to seem super-smart too then you can tell people that Caesar's revolution here heavily draws on elements of the original Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes. And when I say you'll look super-smart too, I really mean you'll look like a complete fucking nerd.

Boning Up: Planet Of The Apes (2001)

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What's the story?

Mark Wahlberg plays a spaceman that flies his mini-rocket into some swirly space-bullshit in order to rescue his pet monkey. He crash lands on a planet that's ruled by apes and yet literally nothing interesting happens for two whole fucking hours. The apes turn him into a slave.. he decides he doesn't like being a slave and so escapes to find his spaceman friends who he thinks have come to rescue him. Based on his complete lack of personality, I'm not sure why they'd bother. He is given help in his journey by Helena Bonham Carter who has clearly undergone hours of monkey make-up in order to look exactly like Helena Bonham Carter with a tail. Eventually Wahlberg decides to go home. We all wish we'd not stayed in our own homes to watch this piece of crap on DVD. As he arrives back on Earth it turns out that his home planet is now run by monkeys too. He thinks, “What the fuck”... as do we.

Boning Up: Battle For The Planet Of The Apes

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Spoilers throughout

What's the story?

After leading his revolution in the previous film, Caesar is now living a happy life as king of his monkey village. General Aldo, a Gorilla, however, is being as typically right-wing and dumb as every other military type in this franchise ever has. He particularly dislikes the humans that are living in peace within the village because it's impossible to make these films without making racism a part of the subtext. Caesar discovers that recordings were made of his parents and decides to hunt them down in an underground network where some scabby looking humans are hiding out. Because looking for amateur films of your parents is always a good idea... Anyway, the scabby humans spot Caesar and decide that now is time to fight back against the apes because we humans are also right-wing fuckheads that are incapable of learning from our mistakes.

Boning Up: Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes

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What's the story?

Since Cornelius and Zira had the living shit shot out of them in the previous film, their super-smart monkey baby has been raised by a kindly circus owner. Because circus owners are renowned for their 'pure intentions' and so that monkey definitely won't have been whored out for shiny pennies, rubles, and whatever else carnies trade in. In the meantime, it seems that Cornelius's prophecy regarding the rise of the apes has begun to take place, with our chimps becoming slightly more human-like. Well, either that or this movie is simply set in the primordial depths of modern day Liverpool. As Cornelius's predicted, our dogs and cats have all been killed by a virus and we've started to use the slightly smarter monkeys as our slaves. I know it might sound cruel but as you all know we'd all secretly give our right nuts for a monkey butler if we could get away with it! Anyway, the super-smart monkey baby has grown up, visits the city, then sees how we treat his kind. Not being too keen on abuse, he shouts out words to the effect of “fuck this shit”, takes on the name Caesar, and then rallies his kind into a particularly hairy rebellion.

Boning Up: Escape From The Planet Of The Apes

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Spoilers throughout. 

What's the story?

The previous film ended with the apes gunning down a load of skinless freaks and Charlton Heston going all 'fuck-this' and nuking the Earth. So how the fuck do you follow that? Well, apparently as this was happening, three other apes; Zira, Cornelius, and Monkey McRed-Shirt, re-built themselves a spaceship that sent them back in time to the 1970's. So now you have a reversal of story in which the apes are the strangers in our world as our politicians try to figure out what to do with them. Although, the scientists investigating them don't seem to take too many precautions, for instance, willingly locking themselves in cages with the apes to perform experiments without any knowledge of how safe our new visitors might be. I guess these scientists have a similar attitude to health and safety as Steve Irwin did after uttering the phrase “Watch me jab this Stingray in the tits, fellas” Anyway, once this is complete, the apes are then paraded around as celebrities, with us then becoming suspicious that their existence is a risk to the future of humanity. For a film that starts off as a fish-out-of-water comedy, I have to say that I was somewhat surprised when we ultimately decide to shoot the living fuck out of the apes in an ending that was like The Wild Bunch crossed with Dunstan Checks In.

Boning Up: Beneath The Planet Of The Apes

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Spoilers All The Way Through

What's the story?

Another astronaut lands on the planet after following in the path of Charlton Heston's character. In keeping with this he essentially does everything we saw Heston do in the first movie. But shitter. Because he's not Charlton Heston. Meanwhile the apes decide to march into the Forbidden Zone to kill whatever shit happens to be living there. I'm not sure why. I guess there's no point giving a monkey a gun if you're not then going to make him shoot something. Predictably, what is living there is a small coven of psychic humans that worship a nuclear bomb. So obvious! Anyway, shit goes down.. Heston sets the nuke and the film ends with everybody and everything on the planet dead. I literally have no fucking clue where they're going to go with the sequel.

Boning Up: Planet Of The Apes

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(Spoilers Everywhere!)

What's the story?

Charlton Heston plays an astronaut that crash lands on a mysterious planet that's ruled by what seems like a population of talking monkeys. At no point does anybody try to rule out the possibility of it simply being a modern day Manchester. The apes give Heston a load of shit. Heston gets away from the apes. Just as he's about to ride into the sunset he accidental stumbles across the Statue of Liberty and realises that he's on Earth and humans have fucked the planet up with bombs. He's probably also pretty gutted that he can't even actually visit the Statue of Liberty which is a shame considering he's accidentally gone all the way to visiting it.