The Rock Spanks His Monkey

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Although it pains me to say I was sadly at the funeral of my best friends' new born daughter the other week. During the speeches about her life it was genuinely mentioned that one of the experiences that had been lost was the chance for me to sit with her and explain exactly why The Rock is the greatest human of all time... And obviously this annoyed me. “Hang on” I thought, “why would I have to be the person to explain this? Does this mean that not everybody here actually fucking thinks it too?” It seemed an inappropriate time and place to bring this query up afterwards but it also seemed a little inappropriate that some people might not love The fucking Rock as much as I do and so I had to say something. I mean, seriously?! In the way that he raises those eyebrows whilst playing everything with his tongue firmly in his cheek it's like he's a cross between Roger Moore and the Incredible fucking Hulk. Just look at his entrance into Fast Five in which he stomps into the series with the confidence that the British Empire used to have whilst stomping around the world, casually claiming countries as their own. As Dominic Toretto and his merry band of morons were too busy stealing cars, it seems that they weren't quite quick enough to spot The Rock and his charm were stealing their own fucking franchise.