Falling Into The Booby Trap

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A few weeks before the new Tomb Raider film came out, the Jennifer Lawrence fronted Red Sparrow was also released which caused people to wonder if this might be a renaissance period for female-led franchise films. Does anybody even remember Red Sparrow anymore though? Did that end with somebody getting their skin ripped off by a cheese grater or am I just confusing it with the time I tried to make a pizza whilst stoned? Either way, it wasn't exactly successful and so Tomb Raider was left alone in carrying the burden of being an action movie that didn't focus exclusively on a white male actor who was probably called fucking Chris or something. Not only that but they decided to set themselves something of a challenge by making a movie that was also based on a video-game. For anybody that's never seen the Super Mario Brothers or Street Fighter films, this is generally about as good an idea as sticking your dick into an electrical socket to power the toaster that you're about to shove up your arse. Whether you play games or not however, the odds are that you'll know the name Lara Croft with her having achieved a somewhat iconic status already and having already previously featured in two earlier Tomb Raider movies. If not then she's basically a gun-toting archaeologist that teenagers used to secretly tug one out to in the '90s.

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Don't you hate it when you go to see a film about a woman who loves pastry and then suddenly it turns out to be about a guy who wants to have his dick chopped off?! The Danish Girl is set in 1920's Copenhagen when all of the locals have decided to discard their own language in a nationwide experiment to sound like posh, English RADA graduates. However despite this bizarre Twilight Zone bat-shittery, the film decides to focus on a young and slightly unconventional married couple of artists. Played by Alicia Vikander and Eddie Redmayne, the wife of the two asks her husband to pose as a woman for one of her portraits which magically imbues him with the desire to literally transform into an actual female. With a power like that, I can't help but wonder if she's the reason that Piers Morgan seems to look like a sweaty, phone-hacking bell-end. Anyway, so what follows is the story of a man and his desire to undergo one of the worlds first gender reassignment operations. In all honesty it's probably a good job that I saw this film because I've been lobbying for a sex change operation for some time. Although rather than swapping my gender I was simply hoping that I could alter the status of my 'sex' to anything other than 'getting none'.