2 June 2020

This Film Is Dog Shit

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Netflix's The Wrong Missy begins with David Spade being mocked by Missy, the blind date that he's agreed to meet up with because he doesn't drink alcohol. Well, I don't drink alcohol either, although by the end of this fucking God-awful piece of shit movie I'd have been fully prepared to shoot heroin straight into my fucking dick if there was a chance that it would help me to forget. Nobody wants to make a bad film but this one is so fucking shitty that I honestly can't imagine that anybody involved had much intention of making a good one either. Lauren Lapkus plays the title character of The Wrong Missy and manages to give such an offensively irritating performance that you start to wonder if the actress might not actually be from our fucking planet. Surely a genuine member of our own species couldn't have such little insight into what it is to be a human that this would be the best they could come up with? Imagine Simple Jack crossed with a rapist that's been given amphetamines after being kicked in the head by a fucking horse and you're close to the horror show of her performance as Missy. If Lauren Lapkus is an alien then what she does here should be considered a declaration of war to which I suggest preemptively nuking every single planet within our fucking solar-system in response. David Spade's character is equally disturbed by her character and so decides to try and escape from his date by sneaking out of the bathroom window. Despite what we mere mortals might think when looking at this tiny gremlin of a man, this film treats David Spade as an actual living adonis for which the fairer sex can do all but resist. Throughout the entirety of The Wrong Missy, women continue to hurl themselves at him vagina first as I sat at home spraying vomit all up the fucking walls. 
After this first disastrous date Spade quite literally bumps into another woman called Missy. Unlike David Spade, this woman is actually good-looking with her character turning out to be a super-model. Somehow they end up on a date with each other too. I'm not sure how... I assume there was a scene missing in which he bashed her about the head until reality stopped having any importance to her. Reality certainly didn't seem very important to the person that wrote this film's script anyway. This date with the second Missy goes much more positively with it ending as the super-model tries to fuck David Spade in a small closet. I hate to be mean but... no. Just no. I know that there's more to coupling than how physically attractive a person might be but even Spade's personality is somewhat fucking lacking here. I think he's meant to be playing a sort of 'everyman' type character but only in the sense that I spent most of the movie imaging what it'd be like to see every man kick his fucking teeth in. He's really fucking creepy here, and he has such little consideration for anybody beyond himself that he's one tragic backstory away from being a Batman villain. Do I believe that a super-model would be trying to have sex with him within hours of having met him? No. The only fucking way he'd get to talk to her in real life is if he'd trapped her down a fucking well, and the only way the sinister little bastard is going to find himself inside of her is after he's flayed her skin and started wearing it like a fucking dress. 

From here, Spade begins to plan for a company getaway for which he's told that he's welcome to bring along a partner if he wants to. I don't know what Spade's company does? Maybe it was mentioned. But all I could tell was that it makes a lot of money and that it's entire staff bar none seem to consist of the worst kind of hateful cunts you can imagine. If this company isn't a front for the child sex trade then based on the people involved in it, that's only because they aren't even trying to hide what they do. Of course, Spade texts the wrong Missy and accidentally invites the human genital wart of irritation that was the first one on the trip instead of the super-model one. And of course, he doesn't find out until she sits next to him on the plane and it's too late to send her home. Nor could he send her home regardless because of how we're told that depression had pushed her towards suicide before he invited her away and gave her a reason to live. Now ignoring how offensively flippant this film treats the subject of mental illness and the desire to end your own life, are you actually fucking kidding me with that being her motivation? You're about to jump off a bridge and it's an invitation to go on holiday with David Spade that convinces you against doing it? If I was having the best day ever and I got a text off him I'd throw myself straight in front of traffic out of sheer fucking reflex. And what? He's going to take her on holiday because he doesn't want her to kill herself? If I so much as had to sit next to her as a stranger on an aeroplane then within minutes I'd be kicking in the door to the cockpit in order to fly the fucking thing straight into the side of a fucking mountain.

It's worth noting too that Spade also has an ex-wife that we're told he still has feelings for and who will also happen to be at this corporate getaway too. So his other motivation for keeping the wrong Missy around is in order to make her jealous.. I guess? Or at least the alleged comedy comes from trying to keep the wrong Missy from showing him up in front of his ex. Although if I was David Spade and trying to avoid embarrassment it'd be my filmography that I'd be more ashamed of than the woman stood next to me. At the same time as trying to balance these two women, the super-model Missy starts to text him about when she's going to be able to see him again. I mean what is going on? Why are all of these women throwing themselves at this little fucking dweeb? Is David Spade writing his own fan-fiction and through some administrative error Netflix has ended up funding it? Is he fucking dying? Is this movie David Spade's 'Make-A-Wish' request in order for him to get off with all of these insanely attractive women? Again though, it's worth reiterating that as shallow as I might be sounding now for lingering on the imbalance of attractiveness, his character is a genuinely horrible and self-centred twat. Every joke in this movie involves him trying to hide his association with the wrong Missy under the belief that she's not good enough for him. At one point he does actually have sex with this wrong Missy because I guess Spade had it in his contract that all of the female characters would have to touch his dick. And as they're banging she tells him that she knows he's picturing a different woman but that she doesn't mind because she's also picturing a different man. It was at this point that I realised how fucking jealous of them both I was as I too was desperately trying to imagine that I was watching two different characters and if possible in a different fucking film. 

Like spotting a few drops of blood in your own puddle of rancid diarrhoea, we were about half-way through this piece of shit film before Rob Schneider turned up to prove that things are always capable of getting worse. Perhaps you'll like this film? Some people like to get tied up and kicked in the balls so what the fuck do I know? But my face throughout this 'comedy' was not one of joy but rather a picture of pure horror. Imagine your Nan's face if you tried to explain the plot of The Human Centipede before asking to touch her anus with your tongue and that's pretty much the face I was pulling throughout this too. Insanely Tyler Spindel...who? The director of The Wrong Missy graduated from Harvard University before touring as a stand-up comedian. Apparently. So if we're to assume that's true then how in the living fuck has he managed to shit this monstrosity out into the world? Because it doesn't take a genius with anything more than a half-decent understanding of comedy to know that The Wrong Missy is truly fucking terrible. If Tyler Spindel's friends or relatives end up watching this movie then I hope that they check in on him immediately because somebody is clearly making him act against his own will. Or perhaps Tyler Spindel should be told that one of his worst enemies has made an intentionally terrible movie and then put his name on it in an effort to destroy his career. But only a few weeks ago I had to have my dog of almost fifteen years put to sleep and as it was happening I could feel a little bit of my soul being shattered through pain and heartbreak. Her name was Missy too. And every single time that her name was mentioned throughout this fucking monstrosity I felt a little bit more of my memory of her being sullied through association. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time. 

1 comment :

  1. You are one fucking funny motherfucker. Thanks again for the fucking giggles.