The Golden Circle Of Life

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A little while ago I heard an interview in which director Matthew Vaughn said that he'd dreamt up a scenario for Mark Strong's character in his Kingsman sequel that was so batshit and insane that he'd have to ask the actor's permission before committing to the idea. Considering quite how insane the first movie got in which Pride And Prejudice's dashing Mr Darcy fucked up a church full of arse-holes to the sound of both 'Freebird' and a lisping Samuel L Jackson, this seemed like quite a statement for Vaughn to make. Having now seen Kingsman: The Golden Circle I feel I can confirm too that his idea was literally off the charts in its insanity. So off the charts in fact that I actually have no idea as to what it might have been because presumably Mark Strong told him “Err.. no”. From start to finish I spotted literally nothing in this movie that Mark Strong's character did in which you'd assume the director would need permission before writing it into the script. Especially when you consider that Strong only recently appeared in the shite film Grimsby in which his character had to hide up one elephant's vagina as another elephant stuck its cock in, started the special cuddle that people in love do, and then finally jizzed all over him.

At one point, Strong has a bit of a sing song to John Denver and so maybe it was this which Vaughn was talking about? Except when you consider how many movies, from Alien: Covenant to Logan Lucky, have actually had characters sing John fucking Denver this year alone, I can't imagine that it was. In which case I'd like to compliment Mark Strong on using that “no” word to a director that so many other people should have said too. Particularly those people that were in anyway involved in the fucking vaginal-probe scene. Before we get to that though, I feel I should add that over-all I thought that this sequel was alright. In the way that all of its action sequences were choreographed to the sound of a pop-song, it wasn't a million miles away from the Bond loving, semi-spy spoof and wannabe-musical sequel Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. In the way that the first film didn't realise how much we'd love the older of the two agents when they retired him, this sequel also ties itself up in knots by trying to find a way of re-recruiting him a la Men In Black 2. One thing that both these sequels and the two Kingsman films also have in common is the drop in quality between first and second instalments. This was the case too when Vaughn's film Kick-Ass received its sequel, although I should point out that Kingsman: The Golden Circle isn't quite the stinking bucket of turds that Kick-Ass 2 turned out to be, which is even if they do share one major flaw.

At one point in Kick-Ass 2 the villain Red Mist is attempting to rape a woman but can't get an erection in a scene that's played for laughs. In its mixture of attempting crude humour with out-right misogyny, the film essentially turned into Carry On Straw Dogs and became a nice laughter-based litmus test for finding out who in the audience was a wanker. Well, although the sequel to Vaughn's Kick-Ass was only produced by him, it'd be true to say that Kingsman itself ended on a slightly dubious note in which a princess offered herself up as a reward to the hero by promising him anal sex if he could rescue her. The other day I was at the vets with my dog when the vet said to me “Hmm.. yes, I think I will.. do you mind if I check the anal glands?”. Thinking I was funny I responded with, “As long as you mean the dogs, sure!” The vet didn't laugh. He remained straight-faced, things got awkward, and then he stuck his fingers up my pet's arsehole. My response to this was not to then go and find another vet to make an even worse joke too. Although the awkwardness was such that I think I might still have to find another fucking vet anyway. Vaughn's response to the criticism of Kingsman's closing anal joke though was apparently to double-down on the sexism in this sequel with one of the most misogynistic scenes I've seen in a film since 'a friend' recommended his favourite porno Kimmie Granger Likes It Rough. I said 'a friend' anonymously because Kris asked me not to name him and I absolutely respect his privacy.

And speaking of friends I hate to brag but I actually have a second one in which the central bond of our friendship is a complete disagreement over Chris Tucker's performance in The Fifth Element, with most of our conversations ending in an argument about it. I'm of the opinion that Tucker is so awful that he flat out kills an otherwise average movie, which is true of this one Kick-Ass 2-esque scene in the Kingsman sequel too. The main character Eggsy is required to get a tracking device onto/into a girl and 'hilariously' the only thing that the device will apparently stick to is the inside of her vagina. Hahaha... her vagina... hahaha... wait... hahaha...Err what!? You mean to tell me that this is a film in which a secret agency can quite literally bring Colin Firth back to life after he was shot in the fucking head and yet they can only manage a tracking device that'll stick to that one specific part of the body? What do you do if you're wanting to track a guy? Trick him into letting you use a cotton-bud to stuff it down his fucking dick-hole? Not only is this scene completely forced in terms of set-up but it's also shot in the most unnecessarily graphic way, with the camera located inside the girls vagina. The girl who, by the way, had literally just offered to allow the main character to piss on her with such casualness that you'd think she'd just suggested she pop the fucking kettle on. Vaughn is obviously a smart man and so I can only assume that his brain is like the Overlook Hotel and there's a little pervert version of the mad Jack Nicholson running around in there and occasionally chopping chunks of people up because seriously.. what the fuck?!!

Like I say, the rest of the film is pretty passable. There's an Elton John cameo that starts off quite funny but then becomes so insanely arse-kissy that if Vaughn, Elton, and this movie found themselves in a hotel room then the night would definitely end in another superinjunction. Oh.. did I say “another”..? In fact despite his prominent role in the marketing, Elton John actually has a larger role than Channing Tatum which is about as random as that vaginal tracker scene. Because we can never forget the vaginal tracker scene. Also, there's a moment in which two Kingsman agents are being held captive, one risks being shot, the other decapitated, as the villain explains their motive to them instead of just killing them. In the first movie, Samuel L Jackson's villain says “Now I'm going to tell you my whole plan, and then I'm going to come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you, and you'll find an equally convoluted way to escape.” Colin Firth utters, “Sounds good to me”. “Well, this ain't that kind of movie” Jackson responds before promptly shooting him in the fucking head. Yeah.. well now it is, I guess. That's a shame because subverting the Bond cliches was kind of the main selling point of that first movie. But don't worry.. before that disappoints you for too long, you'll remember the vaginal tracker scene and be distracted by confusion over its existence all over again. Ah well. Thanks for reading motherfuckers and see you next time.