5 November 2017

Gerard Butler's Best Film Yet?!

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Geostorm begins with a sub-Sarah Connor-esque voice-over in which we're told that we should have been nicer to the planet before it began fucking us over with the weather. But who cares? I live in England. We've been getting fucked by the weather since time began! In fact the more extreme the weather gets, the happier we secretly are, with a good moan being one our favourite things to do after making a cup of tea and indulging in some casual racism. Anyway don't worry about all that global warming shite because Gerard Butler has designed a satellite-thing that floats around in space and can manipulate the weather in order to prevent any potential disasters. And let's face it.. if Gerard Butler can solve the problem then any old prick with at least a couple of opposable thumbs and a rough grasp of how to walk upright will probably be able to manage it. The problem is that things have started to go wrong with the satellite due to the sinister interference of somebody intending to fuck the weather up and wreak cheap CGI destruction on the planet. Butler has therefore been sent up to solve the mystery before things get worse, which is despite the much bigger mystery at the centre of this movie of... how the fuck does the 'actor' Gerard Butler still get work?

At one point in the film a character is in a shop and spots a cat hiding in a fridge. “That's funny” he thinks to himself before buying his stuff and leaving. When outside, he accidentally drops some eggs that he's just bought and watches them literally fry on the ground in seconds. “Oh no!!” he thinks “It's really hot”. Which means that before this fucker was able to react, he quite literally needed evidence of the temperature beyond the simple fact that, you know.. it's fucking hot!! I mean, who the fuck is this guy that he doesn't notice a temperature increase like that? The fucking nuclear man from Superman 4?! He then gets into his car and drives as fast as he can whilst the floor around him gets so hot that the road is literally caving in on itself and buildings collapse like dominoes either side of him. I don't mean to be pedantic but this prick is literally able to drive out of a hellmouth and both his tyres and his engine remain fine. If the sun so much as shines one fucking ray onto my car bonnet then my dashboard lights up like a fucking Christmas tree. I mean, I'm aware of suspension of disbelief but even Vin Diesel would shake his big bald head at this bullshit as he himself flies through the air to catch his amnesiac girlfriend as she's catapulted off a bridge by a fucking tank.

Or maybe you think I'm being too harsh on a film that genuinely does see an audience member using their brain as detrimental to the overall experience? I suppose coma victims need to have something playing on the television in the background and so why not this? Except, hang on.. 'won't I have to use the power of my mind to try and work out who the mysterious bad guy is?' I hear you ask! “Don't worry”, answers the film, before opening a door to reveal Ed Harris inconspicuously sat next to the President, “We'll make that pretty fucking obvious for you too”. Okay let's assume I am being too harsh (which I'm not)... I guess when it comes to disaster movies it's all about the fun of the film instead of worrying about the events being even basically plausible. In which case I think we have to credit Roland Emmerich for being one of the kings of this genre, don't we? After all he did some of its most famous recent examples with Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow to name just a couple. Well, I heard that he was briefly involved in this film in some capacity and even suggested a sequence that he'd decided not to use for his film 2012. Interestingly this sequence did supposedly then make the final cut of this film, Geostorm, although I'm not sure which one it actually was. So to just clarify that last bit.. there's a scene that even 20-fucking-12 turned its nose up at that this film thought, “yep, that looks good enough for us!”

I literally can't remember where I heard that from but it does sounds pretty believable, especially when considering that this film's production process was more painful than trying to shit a water melon through a human centipede. Producers and directors came and left over a period of years with reports surfacing that even Gerard Butler was struggling to remember his lines whilst on set. Not that you can blame him. The poor guy makes so many generically shit movies that I'm sure it is hard to keep up with whichever the latest one is. Funnily enough though, this kind of works to the film's advantage as I started to play a game of 'Guess The Re-shoots' to help entertain myself throughout. To give you a quick hint, the film makes the re-filmed shit obvious by having the characters appear with completely different haircuts to what they had only a few seconds earlier. In fact this hair-issue became so blatant that I started to wonder if this was the reason why they'd actually cast Ed Harris in the movie? And then as if to just highlight how incompetent everybody involved really was, he walks into shot with a tuft of hair stuck up. The camera cuts to a different angle in the same scene and suddenly that tuft is stuck down! I mean, how the hell did they manage to fuck that up?! It's Ed Harris! The fucker only has about nine hairs on his fucking head!

At one point in the movie, Gerard Butler returns to his satellite in the sky after a brief hiatus and none of the crew recognised him at all. His character was instrumental in ensuring humanity survived global warming and until recently would have been their boss, and yet none of them have a clue who he is. I mean, what the fuck? Even I know who Gerard Butler is and right now all he is is Gerard fucking Butler. He hasn't saved the planet, he hasn't been my boss, and as far as I know, he hasn't even been to fucking space. In fact, I can name you three-hundred shit films that are better than this one and I won't even make it easier for myself by including 300. But.. I have to say that 2017 has been an amazing year for movies. As I write this now there's still two months of the year to go and yet with releases as diverse as Logan, Moonlight, Baby Driver, and mother! it has to have been one of the best of this century so far. And in its own sweetcorn shaped pile of blandness in the giant dogshit of Gerard Butler's cinematic career, this film is further proof of the years quality. Sure the entire film is as though somebody watched Die Another Day and thought "How can we make a sequel to the worst Bond film ever and not even bother to include Bond in it?" But last year Butler inflicted London Has Fallen onto us and for all the things wrong with Geostorm at least it wasn't racist as well as being completely fucking shite. In fact, Geostorm even came close to being one of those films that's so bad that it becomes enjoyable. It wasn't one of these to be clear.. but it came close, and for a Gerard Butler movie, that really is a progress to commend. Thanks for reading motherfuckers and see you next time.

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