I hate having to go to a 3D movie. If it
had been forced upon us for artistic reasons then perhaps I'd be more forgiving
but the truth is that it was a gimmick designed to combat piracy. If that's the
case then fine but it seems a bit shitty to whack the price up and charge more
for those of us who have bothered to actually go to the cinema. Not only does
the film itself cost more to see but they then also charge extra for use of
those mongo looking glasses too. I understand the staff there are doing a
menial job for exploitatively low wages but if they're going to fuck me up the
arse then the least they can do is smile whilst it's happening. Plus based on
its entire concept, 3D is clearly the Chris Tucker of gimmicks in that it's
both irritatingly unnecessary and distracts the living fuck out of me. I really
don't need a film to shoot things out of the screen unless we're in the
unlikely situation that it stars Angelina Jolie and the script makes constant
use of the word “squirting”.
Of course though, 3D is actually half the
age of Joan Rivers having been used as far back as 1915. This new wave of extra-dimensional
cinematography however, was kickstarted in 2009 when James Cameron's Avatar was
thrust upon us with more excitement than a free shot of heroin to the eyeball.
To their absolute credit they did manage to create a hell of a lot of hype for
a film that most of us didn't really know anything about. At least I'm guessing
it was the genius marketing that caused people to flock to it because it sure
as fuck wasn't the story. For anybody who somehow doesn't know, it's pretty
much just Pocahontas but with an Alien species called the Na'vi as a stand in
for the Native Americans. I should also possibly clarify that by Pocahontas I
mean the cartoon and not the true story that involves significantly more
kidnap, rape and death than Disney bizarrely seemed to mention. Although I'm
sure I don't need to have said any of that considering that Avatar is
currently the highest grossing movie on the planet. Still, as the mega-rich
Donald Trump has proven, just because something makes a lot of money it doesn’t
mean it can't also be a fat lump of shit.
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| Cheetara says: "Don't share needles." |
However it's not just the Na'vi that have
been created inside a computer but from what I can tell pretty much everything
else was as well. The sets and background creatures are phenomenally well
rendered considering everything was filmed in the kind of empty warehouse that
might once have been used to kill chickens in. In fact it's the imaginative colours of the various different
species and plant-life in Avatar that is one of my favourite things
about the film. It's as though all those tree fucking hippies actually managed
to impregnate Mother Nature and eventually all their various children came out
tie-died. The only downside to this is that near the end there is a lot going
on in terms of big battles and it stops being quite so convincing. It is all
still fun, it's just that with so many colourful and obviously computerised
images fighting the shit out of each other it sort of turns into a kind of
psychopathic movie from Pixar.
The other thing that deserves
to be praised is the performances. Like I said, the whole thing was filmed in
an empty room and so the actors did very well to be able to imagine their
surroundings and play off things that weren't really there. I guess it helps
when the kind of people that you've hired are as amazing as Sigourney Weaver
but still... Actually now that I think about it, Weaver’s
blue Avatar kind of looks like the corpse of Ellen Ripley if you were to drag
it out of a polluted lake and then punch it in the face. All of the characters
are fairly clichéd but its cast do well to make us forget. I guess this just
means that James Cameron is better at directing than he is at writing which
might also explain why he invents words such as Unobtainium. If you have to
come up with the name of a valuable mineral and you're happy to use something
as shit as that then you may as well go one further and just name it CuntsRock.
The other thing that I really hated in regards to the script was the voice-over
from Sam Worthington. I'm not sure if it's in every version of the film but it is in the extended cut and was like having a
dribbling fucktard sitting over your shoulder and badly describing everything
that you could already see. If that's the kind of experience you’re after then
I strongly recommend listening to Arnie's commentary for Total Recall which is actually hilarious.
The other thing about Avatar
that I really hated was the score which was really god damn awful. If I have one pet peeve, it's those Gladiator-esque themes that
sound like an African woman wailing after she's been hoofed in the fanny and
this film is full of them. Also the soundtrack was
composed by James Horner who I hate at the best of times because it seems that
his music is permanently set to shit. To make things worse though, there's a
piece in Avatar that sounded strangely familiar. After a few
seconds of scanning my autistic movie-brain, I realised that the film Troy
had used the exact same fucking theme. Amazed by this shocking level of
shoddiness I quickly went to YouTube to see if I was right and it turns out
that I was. Not only that but according to a video that somebody had made,
Horner had used this particular theme in loads of his other movies over and
over again. If you remember at the start of this blog I said that people
working in a cinema do a menial job for exploitatively low wages. Well in
contrast, Horner gets paid loads of money to do his dream job and yet is
squandering this gift to be a proper lazy twat about it. However even that is
nothing in comparison to the bloody awful Leona Lewis song that plays out over Avatar's
credits at the end. I don't know who wrote that sappy ballad of bollocks
but it's so offensively crap that I can only conclude that they must have
committed some sort of crime in its creation. If you can imagine what notes
you'd use to replicate the feeling of having barbed-wire dragged through your
bleeding ears then that's basically what this shit song sounds like.
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