A Truffle Pig Hunting For Clichés

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Before the new Bad Boys For Life, I'd never seen a single film in the Bad Boys franchise. Mostly because they sound like the title of a series of gay pornos and they're directed by Michael Bay. God, I can't stand Michael Bay's movies. If I had to pick I'd rather watch a gay porno over a Michael Bay movie. At least the gay porno would be less gratuitous and I'd actually be surprised if it went on for a further ten minutes after the final explosion. This new Bad Boys movie has a new directing team behind it though and so I felt it'd be okay to go and see it without my usual collection of pendants and protective charms. But then about half an hour into the movie, Michael Bay actually shows up for a cameo like Jason Voorhees springing out of the fucking lake to drown that girl at the end of Friday The 13th. “Why is nobody booing and hissing at the screen” I wondered of my fellow moviegoers, “Do they not know who he is?”. Truly the Devil walks amongst us. Not that he directed this movie don't forget. I can't remember the names of the two guys at the helm this time, but it doesn't matter. The film looks like an advert for an expensive watch that you'd expect to find on the wrist of a sexual predator that thinks he's in Entourage. I didn't hate it though. The movie I mean. Not the sexual predator. Or the expensive watch that I made up. 

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Bad Boys For Life marks the return of the Will Smith/Martin Lawrence double-act and is Martin Lawrence's most substantial role since 2011's Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son. I presume he's been in prison since the release of that movie on charges of having gang-raped the concept of entertainment. I haven't seen many of his movies but with his shorter stature and similar-looking goatee, Lawrence kind of looks like Will Smith's reflection in a haunted fucking circus mirror has somehow come to life. Although, I've always been somewhat confused by the popularity of Smith too, to be fair. I mean, beyond about three movies, I'm pretty sure that everything that he's made has been shit hasn't it? I think people like him because he has a used car salesman quality about him. He's got a big smile and enough enthusiasm that he makes you think you to want to buy his shit. And 'shit' it mostly all is, don't forget. Sure, he might have sold us that nice car back in 1997 with Men In Black but did you see Gemini Man? The only use for that clapped out old banger would be as something to nod off to whilst inhaling exhaust fumes and waiting to fucking die. Anyway. I'm losing track of my metaphor. His films are mostly shit is what I'm saying. Bad Boys For Life wasn't horrible though. It was about ninety minutes too long but I'd say that there are a really good thirty minutes of movie in there somewhere. 

I don't mean to imply that Bad Boys For Life is fucking stupid, but at one point Lawrence and Smith hide behind a flimsy wooden table during a shoot-out. Funny how bullets can pierce almost anything except the thing that the main heroes are hiding behind. Anyway, as they run to another cover point the flimsy wooden table explodes. I don't know why... but I'm glad it did. Earlier on in the film, Smith and Lawrence are with their crack team and trying to locate a villain. I don't know what the police funding is like in America because our law enforcers are constantly being pretty short-changed over here in the UK. But either way, it seems that Lawrence, Smith, and their fellow officers get to work in the fucking Batcave. They can't find the suspect that they're looking for because we're told that he lives completely off the grid. He's got no bank account, no mortgage, there's no way to trace him. But luckily it's his birthday in a day and so they pull up their fucking bat-computer and use his 'clubbing history' to deduce where he's likely to be having his fucking birthday party. Perhaps my favourite scene was during the first fifteen minutes however when Smith and Lawrence decide to have a running race in a crowded street at night time. Again, I don't know why. Because they have the brainpower of one child between them? But the race ends a few seconds later when Will Smith is gunned down in a slow-motion drive-by. It was like going to a fucking sports day in Toxteth. If you don't know Toxteth then for the benefit of the joke just insert your own local piece of shit town there instead. 

As a title, Bad Boys For Life sounds like the kind of group name that a couple of anti-abortion priests might come up with to sound cool. As a single straight guy, I'd say it's Bad Girls For Choice that I'm more interested in. But this desire to be cool is one of the things that makes me think that the film isn't quite in on the joke of how fucking hilariously dumb it is. If it wasn't for its desperate posturing and the fact that it's clearly in love with its own superficial aesthetic, I'd say this movie was a fucking spoof. After Smith is gunned down during his running race the camera zooms in on Lawrence as he slow-motion screams the word, “No”. That was also funny, to be honest with you. He kind of looked like a wombat that had been picked up under its armpits as he did it. But this film hunts for action cliches like a fucking truffle-pig before unironically shitting them onto the screen for us to laugh at. They do try some actual humour with the sub-Shane Black banter between the two leads. But nothing Will Smith says is particularly witty and all Martin Lawrence seems to do is sort of panic croak like a toad falling off a cliff. Will Smith does something supposedly cool but dangerous, and Lawrence screams because they think that we'll think it's funny. Do you know that youtube video of the old lady that falls out of a bucket whilst stamping on grapes on live tv? Well, pretty much every sound Lawrence made in this movie sounded like her as she rolled about on the floor like a fucking tit. 

Bad Boys For Life is an absolute wank of a movie and I mean that literally. An ex once asked me when I'd last tugged one out and I honestly couldn't remember. I can never remember. Maybe I did it yesterday or maybe it was a week ago? I mean usually yesterday of those two options. Obviously. But I can never quite place when it was. If I'm not killing people then clearly it's not the time for another. I can pretty much guarantee that it'll be the same for Bad Boys For Life too when people ask me if I've seen it. I'll know I have but I won't have thought about it since and so the details will have become hazy. I'll know I had a good time but I'll suspect it was almost definitely at the expense of those that made the fucking film in the first place. Sometimes I'm yanking one out for so long too that by the time I'm done I wonder about how much time I've wasted and how many smaller wanks I could have had in the time it took to have that one big one. This is the same with Bad Boys For Life which goes on for way longer than it should and was also an absolute waste of time even if it was a lot of fun. I reckon I could have managed two wanks during it too if I'd wanted but I'd have had to try and time it between Lawrence's weird off-putting choking noises. Or where they off-putting? Maybe his old choking-lady gurgles would have helped? Interestingly both porn and this film frequently use the line, “bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do, what you gonna do when they come for you”. In both cases, I suppose the answer is turn off, feel a little bit of shame, and then forget. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.