A Truffle Pig Hunting For Clichés

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Before the new Bad Boys For Life, I'd never seen a single film in the Bad Boys franchise. Mostly because they sound like the title of a series of gay pornos and they're directed by Michael Bay. God, I can't stand Michael Bay's movies. If I had to pick I'd rather watch a gay porno over a Michael Bay movie. At least the gay porno would be less gratuitous and I'd actually be surprised if it went on for a further ten minutes after the final explosion. This new Bad Boys movie has a new directing team behind it though and so I felt it'd be okay to go and see it without my usual collection of pendants and protective charms. But then about half an hour into the movie, Michael Bay actually shows up for a cameo like Jason Voorhees springing out of the fucking lake to drown that girl at the end of Friday The 13th. “Why is nobody booing and hissing at the screen” I wondered of my fellow moviegoers, “Do they not know who he is?”. Truly the Devil walks amongst us. Not that he directed this movie don't forget. I can't remember the names of the two guys at the helm this time, but it doesn't matter. The film looks like an advert for an expensive watch that you'd expect to find on the wrist of a sexual predator that thinks he's in Entourage. I didn't hate it though. The movie I mean. Not the sexual predator. Or the expensive watch that I made up. 

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Remaining Optimistic

Have you seen 22 Jump Street yet? Expecting something to be shit and then finding out it's actually not is such a lovely experience because of how rarely it happens! Have you ever eaten a mussel? Surely anybody who has must have had low expectations from looking at it! As food goes, there's always going to be something more appealing than what looks like fish snot on a shell. Well a few years ago and during one of my braver moments I decided to give it a go and you know what? To my surprise I learnt that even though it doesn't look very appealing, it still managed to taste even more fucking disgusting than I could have predicted. Imagine licking squid cum off a sharpened rock that was once used to scrape shit from a mermaid’s arse and that's pretty much what eating a mussel is like. It was rank. I think that it's a general rule in life that if we have low expectations then there's probably a reason and we're usually right. The same is kind of true of films too, to a degree, although I'd argue you should always remain a little open minded when walking into the cinema. Yes, Michael Bay's next film is probably going to be rubbish but I'd rather remain optimistic on the off chance that I'm wrong about him being a talentless, angry, fucknugget... I'm not, but you never know. Expecting something to be shit and then finding out it's actually not is such a lovely experience because of how rarely it happens and despite the fact that it should be a massive raging turd, I decided to see 22 Jump Street.