The Avengers Abide

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When a film like Avengers: Endgame comes out, it starts to feel like we're living in some sort of fascist state in which even the slightest whisper of a spoiler is punishable by death. In general, I'd say that I'm against any form of fascism to the point that I get pissed off when even the self-scan in the supermarket tells me to remove my shopping from the bagging area. I mean what the fuck does it think it's doing, telling me what to do. We don't live in the fucking Matrix yet you robot-prick! However, in this case, my only regret is that spoiling things literally isn't punishable by death as I would quite happily cave any perpetrators head in with a fucking rock and then shit into their skull as a warning to everybody else. So I won't spoil anything major here if you haven't seen it. I'll probably talk about the bit in the movie in which Tony and Steve die of AIDS and why I felt it was right to graphically show how they got it. But I don't think that counts as a spoiler because we all saw it coming right? We certainly saw them coming in that scene anyway. So I guess I will be talking a little bit about what happens and so if you haven't seen it then you know.. piss off.

A Big Foot With A Big Sole

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I can't say I'm a huge believer in conspiracy theories, whether they are the existence of Nessie, Jesus, or Mickey Rourke, but there's always been something interesting about Big Foot to me. With his huge sloping forehead, hunched back, massive saggy tits, and almost humanoid squint, my friend Graham could be mistaken for our missing link. In fact, during my speech as his best man at his wedding, I went into further detail; “when Graham was in school he would quite literally get told off by the teachers for drinking rainwater from the puddles on the floor. And I think that we could have probably guessed that from looking at him. I don't mean to suggest that Graham is strange looking, and he looks very smart today, but Jesus. He's got a head that is the exact shape of a monkey nut, weird slitty nostrils like a snake, he doesn't have any lips, and his tiny little ears haven't grown since birth.” Despite all evidence to the contrary, however, my bizarre friend is, in fact, a human and therefore essentially fucking useless to me. Especially when considering, and as I went on to say in my speech, that “If this was Victorian England then I could wheel him around in a circus and make money from simply showing him off to people.” So, of course, I don't definitely believe in the existence of Big Foot but with friends like Graham I obviously can't entirely rule it out. 

Darkness Prevails

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The new Hellboy is incredible value for money because it's only two hours long but it felt like it was on for a fucking month. The original two instalments of this series were helmed by the visionary director Guillermo Del Toro who created a fairytale world that was somehow epic in scale and yet still managed to focus on the complexities of its characters. I'm not even sure that this new film had any fucking characters now that I think about it.. Of course, it'd be difficult for any film to follow in the footsteps of one of Del Toro's with this being especially true of the Hellboy franchise. The second of his two movies was quite clearly designed to be the middle part of a trilogy and so like an unwanked dick in a massage parlour, we were all hoping that he'd return to finish it off. I understand that the studio couldn't justify the budget that he required for his final film when looking at how much he required and the box office results of those first two movies... but this new version is such a step down from what's come before that it's taking the absolute piss. It's like wanting to go to an art exhibition but because you can't afford a trip to the Louvre to see the Mona Lisa you simply settle to go down an ally to look at a page of Readers Wives that some tramp has stuck to the wall with a piece of his actual shit.  

Tim Burton Gives Us His Big D

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When I was in school one of my fellow students asked our teacher if they'd heard of the white-eared elephant. In confusion, the teacher asked, “what's the white-eared elephant?” to which the student pulled the pockets of his trousers out and said, “well here's his white ears” and then whilst pointing at his cock announced, “and here's his trunk”. I know that sounds weird but I went to an all boys school and when too many males are in the same room their dicks essentially become a comedy prop. The original Dumbo though was made when Disney was at one of the company's lowest points and so, like a crack-head in a shop doorway, they were just after a cheap hit to keep them going. With its short running time, huge heart, and cute characters, I'm sure that Dumbo would have seemed exactly what they were after too. The original animated Dumbo is like your favourite old person in that it's warm-hearted and sweet for about an hour before getting a little bit fucking racist for the final ten minutes. Plus it's got a flying elephant which is such a great idea. If a circus owner asked you if you wanted to go for a particularly magical ride on his long-eared elephant would you really turn him down? Obviously you fucking wouldn't. Just make sure that you ask what colour those long ears are first.

Bring On The Demons

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There was a guy sitting pretty close to me when I went to see Ouija: Origin Of Evil who had clearly misjudged the movie. You know the old trick of taking a girl on a date to a horror film in the hope that she'll cack her pants and grab hold of your wanger or something out of panic? Well, I'm pretty sure that had been his plan because he was there with a girl and you could kind of tell they hadn't been going out for very long. He was that horrible combination of awkward and yet grabby as though still a little nervous to be around her but also confident enough to restrain her in case of any escape attempts. Well, the film began and I'm not sure that things went entirely his way. Not only did she spend the entire movie sat fairly calmly but on the off chance that there was even the smallest hint of a scare, he'd quite obviously shit himself and jump out of his fucking seat. As a terminally single geek, I'm happy to admit that I'm not a reliable expert in the field of dating however I'm also pretty sure that the old 'take a girl to a horror movie' thing only works if you're brave enough to impress them and don't spend the movie squirming about and murmuring as though your fucking love eggs are kicking in.