30 December 2019

Who’s Strangling The Cat?

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So I just used up eight of my nine lives attempting to endure what felt like the four-day running time of Cats and I'm honestly still not sure what in the living blue fuck it was all about. This movie is our generation's Vietnam in that there will be people living with the haunting horrors of what they've seen for decades to come. This movie is what I imagine you'd hallucinate as you die in a gutter having drunk nothing but cats piss for an entire month. There are just so many questions that the viewer is left asking but the most important one is simply, 'why?' Why do the cats in this film look like they do? It's like the Thundercats decided to join an amateur dramatic society instead of going to the fucking gym. When was this film set? Because I would guess that it's some time after the apocalypse when all that's left of our species are the children of the cats that we had sex with to pass the time. I was once in a cubical in the toilets in a pub and as I opened the door to leave, my eye-line was directly on target to spot on old man's dick as he took a piss at a urinal. I hadn't known he was there or I'd have been at least a little more prepared to avert my eyes but the result was that his chubby little potato dick ended up burnt onto my retinas forever. Previously I'd have told you that was probably the worst thing I'd ever seen in my life but the hellscape that is Cats has probably just taken the crown from his stinky-looking and distinctly vegetable-shaped cock-head. 

The film begins with a cat being thrown into an alley in a sack and I'd honestly say that wasn't a bad idea for how we could dispose of this movie. Did you ever hear about that old Atari E.T. game that was so terrible that its makers tried to hide it in a big hole in the desert? I'd say that we should do that to every copy of this film before cordoning off the area like it's fucking Chernobyl. Unlike the E.T. games which have since become collector's items, I suspect that in the case of Cats it would simply devalue the price of the land. Horror films would be made in future decades about hotels that are built on the ancient Cats movie burial site and even they would fail to be as truly haunting as this movie is. From what I can gather, the film is about a group of Jellicle cats, although having sat through its entire running time I still couldn't tell you what the fuck a Jellicle is. If I were to guess what the word meant without context then I'd suggest it might be the name of the rubber bollocks that are added onto some dildos for suction but I wouldn't know for sure. But each of these cats essentially introduces themselves by singing a song about their sole personality trait and then at the end, Judi Dench gets to choose which of them gets to die. Kind of like she used to do when sending her least favourite double-O out on the riskiest mission. But you know... if they were cats.

In the case of Cats, the characters are all hoping to be picked by Dench as the one that will be murdered with my main question being about why only one of them gets to die? I'm a left-leaning vegetarian that hates animal cruelty but I also hated these Hell-demons so much that I would happily run through their alley with a pair of steel-toe boots and kick the living shit out of them all. I don't know if you've seen Judi Dench's character design in this movie either but it is truly the stuff of nightmares. If David Lynch had made this film then I think that people would probably tell him that he's finally gone too far. Dench prowls about in a fur coat that raises more questions than I care to ask before sitting in her basket like a Jabba the Hutt action figure that's been recreated out of mouldy fucking cheese. I can honestly say that I've never wanted to see Judi Dench's rotten pussy but somehow it still ended up being worse than I could have expected. Sorry about that joke but it's still true. That's all there is to the story too by the way. Idris Elba plays a magic cat that can seemingly teleport wherever he wants but all he wants to do is win the suicide competition by using his powers to cheat. I don't know why he can teleport about the place. But if this was the first footage we'd received of life on an alien planet then I'd suggest we nuke the fuck out of it before they discover we're watching. If there's one saving grace it's that as the Cats did their best to be allowed the sweet release of death, I began to empathise with their desire having decided to sit through this psychotropic fucking break down of a movie. 

It should also be mentioned that this is possibly one of the horniest movies that I've ever seen in my life. None of the creatures here appear to have any genitals or even an anus.. is an anus a genital? I suppose it depends on what you do with it? But you get the feeling that these terrible dance routines are their version of fucking. At one point a female cat is lying on her back with her legs wide apart as she begins to madly scratch the inside of her thighs. But the camera is behind her head and so all we can see is her open legs with her hands madly fumbling as though she's been given five minutes to fap herself to death and she's really fucking going for it. I swear to God that despite being rated as suitable for all ages I've seen porn that is less gratuitous than this. I don't know if you know about the sexual niche of being a furry? It's essentially a kink in which you're attracted to the anthropomorphism of various animals but Cats is absolutely a propaganda piece for it. If you go to the cinema to see this movie and the room begins to stink as it goes on then I advise you to either leave as quickly as possible or at the very least begin wanking as hard as you can like everybody around you clearly already is. One of the cats even unzips their fur at one point to reveal a more glittery fur body beneath it. I'm sure that to some people this will be the peak of their masturbating life but I found it so confusingly terrifying that I think I'll one day end up explaining it to a fucking therapist. 

It's worth pointing out too that despite being a victorian carnival of horrors, the film is pretty badly made on every possible level. The framing and editing of the dance routines appear to have been decided by a blind intern with the brain of a monkey. And my advice would be that if you're going to include a tap-dancing scene then, oh I don't know, maybe focus the camera on the fucking feet? Otherwise, it just looks like your character is trying to wiggle a turd out of his arse whilst suffering from a particularly clicky hip. But the music is also pretty fucking dreadful. It opens with some horrendous riff that I promise sounds like it's being played on an out of tune Casio keyboard that was dragged out of a skip in the fucking '80s. Of course, this is based on the stage show of the same name by super-twat Andrew Lloyd Webber who people might remember once flew from New York to London to prop up a Government vote on tax credits. So he essentially took a private jet to travel in luxury to prevent money from reaching lower-income workers and those most vulnerable in our society, and.. as abhorrent as that is, I'd say that Cats is worse. Lots of people have written about how terrible the show and film are after having seen them and so you might ask why I felt I had anything new to contribute to the discussion. I probably didn't. But the truth of the matter is that I didn't write any of this for anybody's benefit but my own. Like a victim of PTSD, the only way to deal with this kind of shit is to write it down in the hope that helps you to process it and so for the sake of my mental health, thanks for reading motherfuckers and see you next time.

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