Why I liked X-Men: Apocalypse

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Right now it seems that most of the reviews have treated X-Men: Apocalypse as though they're Scum's Ray Winstone by casually walking up to it, clobbering it in the face with a sock full of snooker balls and screaming “I'm the daddy now!” This was obviously both a surprise and a shame because up until now all of Bryan Singer's X-Men movies had been brilliant. Before he turned up with his fuck-off adrenaline needle, comic-book movies were essentially just lying on the floor like a dying crack-head with blood pouring out of its nose. With both X-Men and X-Men 2, he delivered the shot to the heart that's ultimately lead to comic book movies being conceived and shat out at a faster rate than Mickey Rourke can go through new faces. As a huge fan of this series I went into the screening with a combination of both hesitation and optimism. Although it was those same two feelings that I went into Batman V Superman with before leaving three hours later with a deadness to my eyes that suggested I'd just done a tour of fucking 'Nam.

Why The World Needs SuperBob

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Generally when a British film is made for basically no money, it'll feature an actor whose intensity and regional accent have been dialled up to eleven. Or as they'd say in one of Ken Loach's gritty films, 'dialled up t'eleven'. Oh and by the time of the credits you'll probably want to fucking kill yourself. I mean, don't get me wrong.. I do love movies like Dead Man's Shoes, Hunger, and Nil By Mouth, but they're not exactly 'Friday night fun with pizza and mates' type films are they? Well not unless you're mates with Jeffrey fucking Dahmer, anyway. I have seen one film recently though that was made for slightly less than a packet of Jaffa Cakes and also didn't have me sucking on the car exhaust by the time of the credits. SuperBob tells the story of the world's first ever super-hero who, like Superman, has a variety of amazing powers. Unlike Superman however, Bob is an ex-postman who developed his gifts by being twatted on the back of the head by a falling meteor whilst walking in a park in Peckham. Not to damn it with shite praise but unless the film ends with Bob screaming 'Martha, Martha, Martha' for no fucking reason, then it already sounds like a better story than Batman V Superman.

Gerard Butler Is Secretly Evil

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Here's a piece of trivia that not many of you might know about Gerard Butler... Even though he seems to be biologically similar to a medieval cave-dweller, before becoming an actor he was, in fact, almost a lawyer. Despite the fact that on film he might come across like a lobotomised Scottish troll, he was President of the Law Society at the University Of Glasgow where he graduated with Honours before going on to become a trainee civil lawyer. However he sadly stumbled at the last hurdle when one week before receiving his full certification he was fired for excelling in his national sport of alcoholism. It seems that no matter how much education you put into a man's head, you just can't seem take the Scottish out of it. Although initially wanting to make a living from upholding the law, he has subsequently turned to a life of evil with his latest film London Has Fallen being the most recent of his many atrocities. I suppose you could point out that Olympus Has Fallen was pretty terrible in that it was essentially a shitty remake of Die Hard as filtered through the mind of a feverishly patriotic American moron. In which case how bad can this sequel really be? I mean if Olympus Has Fallen was a disease then it'd be spinal cancer and what could possibly be worse than spinal cancer? The answer... London Has Fallen.

A Film About Depression?

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For me, Captain America: Civil War is one giant multi-million dollar metaphor for depression. The Avengers are being pressured into signing up to a contract in which they submit themselves to Earth's various Governments like a gang of gimped-up, pocket-holding, prison bitches. Tony Stark is all up for this deal having spent the previous few films allowing his post-tits-up guilt to begin to torture him as though his brain is hosting a party for a pencil-stabbing dominatrix and a naughty British MP on his birthday. Captain America however is slightly more dubious about signing up to a sinister organisation having been Deliverance-style fucked by the S.H.I.E.L.D/Hydra bullshit of his previous film. The two characters begin to bicker and fight with all of their various super-chums picking sides as though we're watching a gay couple's divorce take place in an exclusively camp fancy-dress shop. It's also worth mentioning that Bucky Barnes' Winter Soldier is a key player here with Stark wanting him captured and Cap attempting to protect him. Many people might wonder why Captain America is so hell-bent on protecting his clearly dangerous friend however if I was a seventy year old virgin then I reckon I'd also remain pretty loyal to a man with a pneumatic metal wanking arm.

King Of The Swingers

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The 1967 Disney adaptation of The Jungle Book tells the story of a young boy who is raised by animals having been either abandoned or lost in the wild by his actual parents. Kind of like how children are brought up in Toxteth. In this story, the boy befriends the animals who all conveniently speak one unifying language that appears to transcend the distinctions between species. This can only really lead me to believe that either the animals have never attempted to build a Babel-esque tower towards God, or more likely the kid has gone feral with this whole story simply being a psychotic episode that takes place inside his demented head. I know it looks like he's dancing with a cuddly bear but in reality he's probably dying of some infection whilst marking his territory by shitting up a wall. The problem for him is that his brain is telling him that he should return home by having him hallucinate a killer tiger and having his panther mate tell him to piss off back to his village. The whole thing is a chase movie really, as the tiger wants to prevent him returning to the safety of humanity by killing the boy before he can become a man. Although a better move would be to let him get back to his village, wait until everyone has died of all the various diseases that the boy has caught in the jungle, and then just finishing off the stragglers.