24 February 2020

Runnin' With The Blue Devil

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I was on my way home from a friends house one night when I spotted a hedgehog just chilling in the middle of the road like an absolute dickhead. I decided to move him because I was already quite close to my house and I knew that if I left him and then found him dead the next day I'd feel way too guilty about having not done something. Oh, don't worry, I'm aware that I'm a fucking angel. As I approached the little guy I could see that he was stood on top of something.. and I could hear this weird noise that sounded a lot like something being repeatedly crunched coming from it. I picked him up and as I did I discovered something horrific. I wasn't rescuing any old hedgehog, I was rescuing the Jeffery fucking Dahmer of hedgehogs. When I picked him up it turned out that the thing he was stood on was actually another dead hedgehog and the crunching was the sound of him fucking eating it. Not only that but he was enjoying his meal so fucking much that he refused to let it go. When I lifted him the other partly-eaten hedgehog came up with him and was dangling by its intestines from his fucking mouth. I didn't know what to do so I panicked and ran with him. I decided to put him in my garden so that he wouldn't go back to the road but as I did a car drove past and saw me. I can't imagine what they must have thought as they saw me legging it down the road with a blooded hedgehog in my hand and another dangling by its guts from his fucking mouth. But I imagine they felt as disgusted and upset as the internet did when they first laid eyes on the original design of the title character in the Sonic The fucking Hedgehog movie.
I was never into Sonic as a kid because when I was in school nobody in their right mind would have admitted to having a Sega console. For my generation, the divide between kids who had a Nintendo 64 and the ones with a Playstation felt as brutal and serious as the rivalry between the Bloods and the Crips. I'd rather have admitted to having been homeless and being tea-bagged by rich people for money than tell my school friends that I had a Sega Megadrive back then. To be honest I still don't get the hype around the character of Sonic. Is he a hedgehog? Because he looks more like a dead cat that's been dragged from out of a fucking canal. Or maybe he's a punk-rock furry with some form of severe dwarfism? Well, according to this new movie he's an alien that's had to hide out on our planet because some people are chasing after him. I'm not sure who. A family turned up late to the cinema and brushed their arses and dicks against my face in their attempt to get past me and to their seat and so I kind of missed that bit. But he's hiding on Earth with a bag of magic rings that will teleport you to wherever in the universe you might need to go. All you have to do is throw the ring, imagine your destination, and then jump through the portal it creates. For some reason, Sonic hasn't thrown one of those things whilst picturing his own crotch though which is odd. He's lonely and that sounds like a pretty easy way to start sucking his own dick. Or he could get down on all fours, picture his own arse-hole and then rim himself stupid in an infinite human-centipede-like blue streak of self-anilingus. I never played the games but I'm sure that kind of thing is very much in the spirit of them. Sega eats shit. Nintendo for life!!

If ever Sonic needed to escape from Earth then his next destination is a planet composed of Mushrooms which he's hoping to avoid having to go to because of how stinky and shit it looks. As a Nintendo fan, I couldn't help but see that as a dig at Mario and his Mushroom Kingdom, which is brave. Our iconic Italian plumber could ground-pound that little blue twat's skull into a fucking paste if he wanted to, so jog on. Prick. Unfortunately Sonic eventually alerts the Government to his existence who decide to send Doctor Robotnik out to catch him. Robotnik is played here by Jim Carrey whose performance seems to be inspired by a massive pile of cocaine and a mid-life grab for the glory years. The Government are initially hesitant to use him because of how uncontrollable he can be which is something I imagine that the director of this movie found out about Carrey too. It's a throw-back to his more zany performances of the '90s which I swear to God people only claim to like through nostalgia. Have you seen Ace Ventura recently? If there's one thing you can say about its depiction of the trans-community it's that it's not at all “all righty”. At one point Sonic is running and drops what looks like a neon pube as though he'd been sticking his dick into a nuclear reactor. Robotnik manages to find this sample of the hedgehog's 'forbidden forest' and starts using it to power all of his technology which is weird. Do animals even have pubes? Because if they do and you can power your vehicles with them then the first thing I'm doing tomorrow is buying a cheese-grater and a bag of fucking hamsters to put in my fucking car. 

There's a sequence later on with Robotnik flying a super-powered drone that's going so fast that he's even able to keep up with Sonic as the little critter is running and jumping through his various teleportation rings. This seemed like a failure of intelligence on the part of Sonic to me though. If you can't out-run the person chasing you and the rings work by teleporting you to the place that you're imagining then why waste them by running away? Throw one directly at Jim Carrey as he's about to catch up, imagine the inside of his own anus, and then watch him fucking implode as he runs right through it. Have you seen some of Jim Carrey's more recent interviews? It's not like he's exactly a stranger to going up his own arse these days. Sonic is aided in his adventure by James Marsden's friendly local Sheriff with the two forming a friendship throughout the film. Or at least I think it's just a friendship? In keeping with things going up arses, Sonic nicknames his chum the Lord of the Doughnut which sounds like a gay slang thing to me. Not that it's any of my business. If they're both above the age of consent then I'm sure there's no law against a grown man making sweet love to a hedgehogs prickly bum-hole. Either way Sonic just wants a friend to accept him for who he is which is ironic considering the level of fucking hate that was aimed at him after the release of his initial design in this movie. Did you see it? Because it was fucking funny. When the first trailer for this film came out Sonic looked like the old Gods had taken the soul of a paedophile and reincarnated it into the body of a demonic fucking imp. The first comment I saw on YouTube said, "I hope that Robotnik can fucking kill it". 

The internet then proceeded to body-shame this version of Sonic until the filmmakers backed down and decided to redesign the character to be more in keeping with what the fans wanted. You can't comment on a person's physical appearance these days but it's still okay for you to call an animated hedgehog “an ugly blue cunt”. Quite right too because that original Sonic did look horrible. If the internet had any sense of humour then after getting their own way they'd have then campaigned to have the old design reinstated. Personally, I thought it would have been funnier if the new design had been even worse out of fucking spite. I have to admit that this current design of the character is definitely better than the original one. But I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable about how the mob is beginning to dictate the direction that our art should take. Only the other day the movie Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) changed its name to Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey after it had been released in cinemas because people were Googling the wrong fucking thing. Then there was that piece of shit Star Wars movie that concluded the recent Saga with three hours of incoherent pandering to the worst kinds of online arse-holes. The rest of this Sonic The Hedgehog movie might be a forgettable and generically bland kids movie but it is probably one of the few movies that have benefited from listening to an initial backlash. Still. If I'd slaved away to make a fucking sonic movie and the internet had insulted it then I'd have reshot the whole thing as a stop-motion movie using a painted blue dog turd with googly-fucking-eyes. Fuck'em. 

I was on my way home from a friends house one night when I spotted a hedgehog just chilling in the middle of the road like an absolute dickhead. Again. Because I don't learn from my past mistakes, I decided that I had to help it. Oh, don't worry, I really am aware that I'm still a fucking angel. If anything this one was not only in danger from the passing cars but also that fucking psycho hedgehog that I'd saved previously. I was in my car this time too and so pulled over and got a towel out of my gym bag to pick him up with. I got to the little guy, lifted him and discovered that I was already too late. He didn't look hurt but I think a car must have already clipped him because as I grabbed him I saw that he was covered in blood and was already dead. I didn't know what to do because putting him back felt like I was just leaving him for other people to remove and I didn't exactly want him in my car. So I panicked and ran with him. There was a field nearby and so I figured that I could hide him in a bush or something there. Or at least then drop kick him far enough that he's not my problem anymore. As I was running a car drove toward me and I can't be entirely sure about what they thought they saw. But I guess it would have been me running with a towel that was clearly covered in blood as I was carrying around a prickly object that could well have been the decapitated head of one of our shaven-haired chavs. Like the Sonic The Hedgehog movie, my situation here wasn't as bad as it might have seemed from the outside but nor was it something that I was entirely enjoying as I experienced it first hand. Thanks for reading, motherfucker, and see you next time. 

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