Time To Meet The Devil

I was once sat with about five members of my family and not a single one of them was making the effort to speak. Rather than endure this vortex of boredom though I instead stupidly attempted to start a conversation. After about an hour of trying and failing to work the fucking room, I decided to give up. At a fairly young age I came to realise that a family was nothing more than a group of strangers who force a smile on the off chance that they might one day need each other’s bone marrow. These days I just avoid them and am more than happy to dive into either a bush or heavy traffic to escape an encounter. From what I hear though, other people have the complete opposite problem as I do with their family meddling in their lives like a gang of well-meaning twats. I know people who have pursued a career that they had no interest in just because of the pressure of what was expected of them. I'm kind of stubborn so I think if I wanted to do one thing but my family were forcing me into something else then I'd probably instead become a crack-addicted rent-boy to teach them a lesson. The reason that I mention this is because I recently watched the film Only God Forgives and I'm pretty sure that its message was that an interested family is really more trouble than it's fucking worth.

The film is set in Bangkok and tells the story of Ryan Gosling and his older brother who run a boxing club coupling as a drug smuggling business. Things go wrong almost immediately though when the older brother goes out for a night of relaxation and gets into a spot of bother. When I need to chill out, I tend to open a bag of weed and then wake up several hours later with chocolate around my mouth and my cock in my hand. Here however, the older brother decides to let his hair down by casually raping and murdering a young girl before getting his head caved in by her pissed-off Dad. Because of this minor mishap, the brothers’ Mum shows up and against her surviving sons better judgement, decides that the family must retaliate. As a result of her parental interference the family become the focus of a violent Angel of Death policeman who likes to get a bit chop-happy with his massive fuck-off sword. Only God Forgives is directed by Nicolas Winding Refn who most people will associate with his previous movie Drive. Although his last film was almost universally loved, this latest one has been receiving significantly mixed reviews. Whereas half of the audience have written articles hailing it as their current film of 2013, the other half have instead kicked the absolute shit out of it. After having now endured this deranged and fucked up movie, I'm happy to be able to consider this tasteless bastard to be one of the best movies I've seen so far this year.

Probably the most romantic
film since The Notebook.

Out of curiosity, I decided to read several bad reviews of Only God Forgives to see what people didn't like and one of the main criticisms seemed to be the films lack of any relatable characters. But is that really a problem? The Godfather is an absolute classic and yet I can't say that I see much of myself in any of those murdering, Italian fucktards. By Gosling’s own admission, his character here probably has very little going on below the surface but personally I don't see that as an issue. The character of Forrest Gump has so little happening behind his eyes that you could crack open his skull and use it as an ash tray but that doesn't make it a shit film. The fact that Forrest Gump is a shit film is what makes it a shit film. Instead, Gosling is simply an empty-ish vessel for the audience to experience his world through. Again, I think it was Gosling who said that in the last movie, he played ‘The Driver’ but this time he's playing the car. In which case I urge fans of The Notebook to check out this movie so that they can finally find out what it's actually like to get a ride off Ryan Gosling.

In all honesty, if I have one wish, it genuinely is that fans of The Notebook come and check out this film. I remember going to see Black Swan and being amused by the majority of the audience joining as it seemed that a lot of nice girls had dragged their boyfriends out to see a wonderful film about ballet. I think it was around the time that Winona Ryder started stabbing herself in the face that the screaming and walk-outs began and the initially reluctant boyfriends started to enjoy themselves a hell of a lot more. I really fucking hate the soppiness of The Notebook and regardless of gender, I hate the people who spend their lives believing that sentimental crap is how relationships and life should play out. It'd therefore give me nothing but satisfaction to find out that a fan of that shite movie had turned up to Only God Forgives having been lured there by the presence of Ryan Gosling. Having sat through plenty of violent and gory films in the past, I'm pretty hardened to a bit of movie splatter but even I was shocked by what I saw here. The initial head, ribs and arm chop off scenes were brutal-but-bearable however there's a torture scene near the end that is just fucking demented. I think it was the second we were treated to a close up of some chaps eye being sliced open that all my brain could do to cope was mentally project the phrase, “fuck me” as vividly as it possibly could.

There's no denying that Only God Forgives is a film that aims to challenge its audience as much as it possibly can. It’s kind of like the movie equivalent of a domestically abusive partner in that it beat the complete shit out of me but despite that, I still loved it. With Drive at least, there was the romantic subplot that hinted towards a sense of hope and humanity that perhaps we could cling onto. However here, that glimmer of light is noticeably absent, instead being replaced by a constant sense of fear and dread. I suppose you could argue that the two films take place in the same universe but only because Only God Forgives plays out like a nightmare set in The Drivers fucked up head. Another of the main criticisms of this film is that it is ‘all style and no substance’, but that's just not true. There's no doubting that the style is certainly one of the movie’s focuses with each shot being perfectly framed and every movement being paced to perfection. However underneath, there are so many things being explored such as issues of masculinity, destiny and redemption. I think it explores religion a bit too but the main conclusion there seems to be that God is either a cunt or massively uninvolved... which I guess would also kind of make him a cunt.

Seriously this is a surprisingly lovely film. 

Key to all of this is the bizarre relationship between Gosling’s silent protagonist and Kristin Scott Thomas who plays his psychotic and controlling mother. At the start of the film, he seems to be an apathetic mute with a very vague leaning towards at least knowing what is morally right. However from the moment she swaggers into the story like an unhinged, menopausal Barbie doll, the reason for his withdrawn persona becomes very obvious. She undermines him at every step of the way by banging on about how he was jealous of his brother and when he sensibly refuses to take revenge, she suggests that his logic is a sign of weakness. If that wasn't enough to make him feel any less manly, she also plays a game of top trumps- but instead of using themed cards she just compares the size of her children's cocks. She even seems almost wistful to point out that poor, little Gosling was never quite as impressive as his dead, rapist brother when it comes to showing off the old, pink beaver cleaver. Luckily, I don't have any siblings so I can sleep soundly knowing that of all the children my parents produced I am by far the most well endowed. Gosling however is clearly suffering his mothers torment and needs to escape and be re-born in order to reclaim his own freedom. I can't really go into whether this happens without getting into spoilers so let’s just say that the resolution is as fucking mental as you might expect. It's also slightly more literal and squelchy than I was imagining...

I can see why people would hate this movie and to be honest, it seems that was its intent from the start. Refn is clearly making a film that's so extreme and difficult that it's bound to piss people off and I imagine he'd consider himself to have failed if it had been loved by everyone. The best way to explain how it divides people is I guess to compare it to being like some sort of hardcore monkey fucking scat porn. It's the kind of thing that will be embraced by some and rejected by others but nobody will simply accept and forget. Only God Forgives is dark, violent, beautiful and most rarely of all unique. It also contains quite a lot of fingering scenes which was an unexpected but more than welcome surprise. My only advice to those of you who are yet to experience it is to just go and find out for yourself. I know a lot of people will skip to the last few sentences rather than read the entire blog so just to sum up for you lazy skim readers- Only God Forgives is my film of the year so far and if you loved The Notebook then this is the film for you!

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Cunning Stunt

Is it just me or is the Elephant Man the worst superhero of all time? I mean, Rain Man isn't brilliant but at least he's got his autistically enhanced memory to show off with. The Elephant Man’s only power is his massive head. His disguise is just a sack and as far as I recall, the lazy shit didn't even solve one single crime. At around the time he lived, Jack the Ripper was running around having a whale of a time slicing up whores and boiling their organs. Maybe if the Elephant Man had put the buns back in the box for just one day, he could have gone and helped some of the skanky hookers by finding Jacky and making him look a cunt by head-butting him straight down to hell. There’s a top-quality movie crossover if there ever was one.

But no, rather than do some good he instead decided to parade himself around like a fucking page 3 model and whip his knob out in front of doctors. They earned their keep that day. I don't even know why he had to be naked as according to internet pictures, I've seen his cock… it seems quite normal. Well… either his is normal or mine is just as fucking deformed. In the end, the only thing that could put an end to his tour of vanity was his own personal self-destructive kryptonite which, rather pathetically, was his inability to lie down. What a shit hero he was!

A decent superhero film that I finally saw for the first time this week was Drive. By day, Ryan Gosling is a mild mannered stunt driver for a limping Bryan Cranston and by night he's a police dodging, getaway driver for extremely punctual criminals in need of a lift. Basically, this film is The Transporter but with an artistic edge and genuine ‘style’ as opposed to relying on The Stath, his trademark growl, and bags of ironic enjoyment.

Before watching Drive, I assumed that due to its setting in the criminal underworld it would probably be most similar to The Pusher Trilogy, in terms of Nicolas Winding Refn's back catalogue. Bizarrely however, it is in fact a lot closer to his 2001 Viking Odyssey, Valhalla Rising with both films being a lot slower than The Pusher's and both featuring skull-cracking sudden bursts of ultra-violence. The two also star a lead actor who is a probable psychotic and also a borderline fucking mute.   

Gosling aside, the cast of Drive is ridiculously impressive in terms of who they are and what they can do. I do, however, feel like poor old Ron Perlman has been somewhat overlooked in most of the media surrounding this film. Everybody is going on about how good Albert Brooks is to the point that trailers and reviews imply that Perlman is simply going to be a supporting thug. He is, as it is revealed, one of the key villains in the piece and more integral to the plot than Brooks is.

I think I first saw Ron Perlman in Hellboy in which I sat amazed at how the makeup team had made someone look so much like an ape. Then I watched the DVD extras and saw that in actual fact he is some sort of shaved sasquatch and all the effects guys had to do was paint him red and stick some cones on his head. Perlman therefore deserves even more credit for his performance in Drive as it's so good that at times you actually think he might be a real human. Unfortunately though it will occasionally cut to a close up of his face and the illusion is shattered. He is just an English speaking, Jewish Donkey Kong. If you want a humanoid primate with bags of acting ability and an all-round aura of coolness then Ron's your gorilla.

The plot of Drive is fairly basic with a heist-gone-wrong, protect-the-girl kind of situation but this isn't a film of depth. Instead, the enjoyment is had by simply experiencing the eye porn of shiny visuals, lingering shots, and stylishly choreographed action. With its 'shit's-on-the-way' atmosphere and 80's techno vibe, watching this film feels like you're being smothered by a heavy pillow of mood. In a good way.

At the start of the film, all of the characters are so nice and likeable that you'd think they were all just chums chilling out at the vicar’s fucking tea party. You don't want anything bad to happen to them because everyone is just so friendly and happy. This is the real world though and as is science-fact, we humans don't deserve to feel good about life. That's why God invented cancer, aids and Piers Morgan, and we men have evolved with the ability to occasionally sit on our own bollocks, for no other reason than blinding, suffocating pain.

Like with Pusher 3: I'm the Angel of Death, the violence here doesn't really kick off for a good hour or so. It's like we're being lured into a false sense of security that all is well in movie-land and we've nothing to fear. Meanwhile however, there's a big red 18 certificate on the DVD box preparing us to expect the worst. It's kind of like your school years lasting for ages with everyone telling you to go to University to ensure a good job. Meanwhile, one angry but honest teacher informs you that degrees are worth fuck all and despite what you've been led to believe, you're heading for a life of depression, unemployment and deep-throating car exhausts to allow the fumes of freedom to fill your miserable, darkening lungs.

So, err… yeah, anyway... the violence takes a while to kick off, but when it does, it's glorious; almost beautiful. Heads explode, blood sprays across the screen and bones break as Gosling lays the smack-down on a thug’s wanking hand with a claw-hammer. The violence here was best described by Refn himself, who explained that, like fucking, it's all about working on a long build-up to ensure the most pleasure from the inevitable climactic explosion. Unfortunately for early television viewers, Refn explained this at about 9:30 in the morning on the BBC News breakfast show. It was the first time in ten years that the word ‘fuck’ had been used before mid-day on that channel. It was also the first time ever that, that show was worth watching. What a legend!

One of the most enjoyable aspects of this film is its 80's styling which extends from the pretty-in-pink opening text, all the way through to Goslings gay-as-a-window scorpion jacket. You know an actor is a hardened slab of cool when he wears something as shit as that and yet somehow makes it look as impressive as he does. With its arachnid image on the back, this is his superhero suit with the lip-hanging toothpick being an obvious reference to all those iconic western heroes of cinemas yore. I hadn't seen Gosling in much before, but it's now obvious that if Clint Eastwood fucked Steve McQueen and then laid an egg, he would be what crawled forth from the gooey, yet still cool-as-hell, shell. Never in history has an actor worked so hard to apologise so genuinely for appearing in something as shite as The Notebook.

For many people, this was the film of the year and it's easy to see why. As I've only just watched it, I think I need a little more time to let it all sink in before I make my decision. I just have to work out what I like more; watching Kunis and Portman chow down on a deliciously tight flap sandwich, talking monkeys, or a mute Gosling seducing his neighbour by doing the angry stomp-dance on a hitman’s head. However I decide though, I think we can all agree that 2011 really was a great year for film.

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Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.

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