Is The Blade Runner Sequel A Benefit Or A Hazard?

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Like the sky being blue, two and two equalling four, and Piers Morgan being a rancid cock of a man, there are some things in life that simply can not be argued with. The status of Ridley Scott's Blade Runner as a masterpiece is also one of these things. Few works of art have gone on to influence so much in their wake, with Blade Runner being directly responsible for everything from the design of almost every sci-fi film since its release to the simple fact that even my fucking phone is now 'more human than human'. When asked if he was nervous about entering Ridley Scott's world with his sequel Blade Runner 2049, director Denis Villeneuve responded, “of course. I had to find a way of not being like a vandal in a church”. Well, it turns out that the talented prick need not have worried because in the way that his film focuses on the mystery of a miracle, it seems that he has delivered one of his own. Not only is he not a vandal at the church but he's taken a sledge hammer to its back wall and discovered a secret cathedral hidden behind. If Blade Runner is sci-fi's holy grail then in the way that this sequel maintains its core themes and mysteries whilst also expanding on them and exploring its own agendas, Blade Runner 2049 is the holy grail but with added bells and tits on it.

Ready For La La Love?!

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Musicals are a strange old thing. Especially the ones in which crowds spring into a huge song and dance routines en mass and then go back to their normal activities as though nothing had ever happened. It's sort of as though every musical like that belongs to a George A Romero-like apocalyptic sub-genre in which humanity has been infected with some sort of singing tourettes. If the afflicted in 28 Days Later were bitten by a rage infected monkey then I can only assume the occupants of a musical were bitten by whatever this genre's equivalent is. I don't know what that would be but I'm thinking.. probably.. Bonnie Tyler. As such, I can see why some people wouldn't like musicals. It is strange to see people express their inner thoughts and deepest emotions with what looks like a completely improvised song and dance that everybody knows the lyrics and choreography too. Although fuck it- I'm English, so I'm shocked whenever people simply express their deepest emotions regardless of how they do it.

Getting Carried Away

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When I was younger, one of my best friends lived next to an empty house which we'd all been told was haunted. Out of everybody who knew about it though, only one boy claimed to have seen the ghost and even then, we knew he was full of crap. He was younger than us and clearly his brain hadn't quite found that sweet spot of being imaginative and yet still believable, because his description of what he'd seen was complete fucking bollocks. He said the ghost was of a giant that was also a witch and that it had sharp teeth and it could fly and it had claws and it had four arms and nine legs and blah, blah, fucking blah. Basically, he used the word “and” so much that it was obvious he'd gotten carried away on the enthusiasm of his own bullshit. Have you read the description of the Devil in the Bible? It's basically the same deal! When I was a kid, we got the good book given to us for free and so naturally the section on the anti-Christ was the only bit I bothered with. Anyway, he sounded equally as stupid with the same mix of imagination and lack of believability. The Devil has twelve horns and fire in his eyes and three tails and balls the size of the moon and a tongue like a Whales dick and YES- I GET THE POINT. HE'S A FUCKING MONSTER!  Anyway, so to summarise, I guess that's probably what I thought about The Place Beyond The Pines...

Time To Meet The Devil

I was once sat with about five members of my family and not a single one of them was making the effort to speak. Rather than endure this vortex of boredom though I instead stupidly attempted to start a conversation. After about an hour of trying and failing to work the fucking room, I decided to give up. At a fairly young age I came to realise that a family was nothing more than a group of strangers who force a smile on the off chance that they might one day need each other’s bone marrow. These days I just avoid them and am more than happy to dive into either a bush or heavy traffic to escape an encounter. From what I hear though, other people have the complete opposite problem as I do with their family meddling in their lives like a gang of well-meaning twats. I know people who have pursued a career that they had no interest in just because of the pressure of what was expected of them. I'm kind of stubborn so I think if I wanted to do one thing but my family were forcing me into something else then I'd probably instead become a crack-addicted rent-boy to teach them a lesson. The reason that I mention this is because I recently watched the film Only God Forgives and I'm pretty sure that its message was that an interested family is really more trouble than it's fucking worth.

The film is set in Bangkok and tells the story of Ryan Gosling and his older brother who run a boxing club coupling as a drug smuggling business. Things go wrong almost immediately though when the older brother goes out for a night of relaxation and gets into a spot of bother. When I need to chill out, I tend to open a bag of weed and then wake up several hours later with chocolate around my mouth and my cock in my hand. Here however, the older brother decides to let his hair down by casually raping and murdering a young girl before getting his head caved in by her pissed-off Dad. Because of this minor mishap, the brothers’ Mum shows up and against her surviving sons better judgement, decides that the family must retaliate. As a result of her parental interference the family become the focus of a violent Angel of Death policeman who likes to get a bit chop-happy with his massive fuck-off sword. Only God Forgives is directed by Nicolas Winding Refn who most people will associate with his previous movie Drive. Although his last film was almost universally loved, this latest one has been receiving significantly mixed reviews. Whereas half of the audience have written articles hailing it as their current film of 2013, the other half have instead kicked the absolute shit out of it. After having now endured this deranged and fucked up movie, I'm happy to be able to consider this tasteless bastard to be one of the best movies I've seen so far this year.

Probably the most romantic
film since The Notebook.

Out of curiosity, I decided to read several bad reviews of Only God Forgives to see what people didn't like and one of the main criticisms seemed to be the films lack of any relatable characters. But is that really a problem? The Godfather is an absolute classic and yet I can't say that I see much of myself in any of those murdering, Italian fucktards. By Gosling’s own admission, his character here probably has very little going on below the surface but personally I don't see that as an issue. The character of Forrest Gump has so little happening behind his eyes that you could crack open his skull and use it as an ash tray but that doesn't make it a shit film. The fact that Forrest Gump is a shit film is what makes it a shit film. Instead, Gosling is simply an empty-ish vessel for the audience to experience his world through. Again, I think it was Gosling who said that in the last movie, he played ‘The Driver’ but this time he's playing the car. In which case I urge fans of The Notebook to check out this movie so that they can finally find out what it's actually like to get a ride off Ryan Gosling.

In all honesty, if I have one wish, it genuinely is that fans of The Notebook come and check out this film. I remember going to see Black Swan and being amused by the majority of the audience joining as it seemed that a lot of nice girls had dragged their boyfriends out to see a wonderful film about ballet. I think it was around the time that Winona Ryder started stabbing herself in the face that the screaming and walk-outs began and the initially reluctant boyfriends started to enjoy themselves a hell of a lot more. I really fucking hate the soppiness of The Notebook and regardless of gender, I hate the people who spend their lives believing that sentimental crap is how relationships and life should play out. It'd therefore give me nothing but satisfaction to find out that a fan of that shite movie had turned up to Only God Forgives having been lured there by the presence of Ryan Gosling. Having sat through plenty of violent and gory films in the past, I'm pretty hardened to a bit of movie splatter but even I was shocked by what I saw here. The initial head, ribs and arm chop off scenes were brutal-but-bearable however there's a torture scene near the end that is just fucking demented. I think it was the second we were treated to a close up of some chaps eye being sliced open that all my brain could do to cope was mentally project the phrase, “fuck me” as vividly as it possibly could.

There's no denying that Only God Forgives is a film that aims to challenge its audience as much as it possibly can. It’s kind of like the movie equivalent of a domestically abusive partner in that it beat the complete shit out of me but despite that, I still loved it. With Drive at least, there was the romantic subplot that hinted towards a sense of hope and humanity that perhaps we could cling onto. However here, that glimmer of light is noticeably absent, instead being replaced by a constant sense of fear and dread. I suppose you could argue that the two films take place in the same universe but only because Only God Forgives plays out like a nightmare set in The Drivers fucked up head. Another of the main criticisms of this film is that it is ‘all style and no substance’, but that's just not true. There's no doubting that the style is certainly one of the movie’s focuses with each shot being perfectly framed and every movement being paced to perfection. However underneath, there are so many things being explored such as issues of masculinity, destiny and redemption. I think it explores religion a bit too but the main conclusion there seems to be that God is either a cunt or massively uninvolved... which I guess would also kind of make him a cunt.

Seriously this is a surprisingly lovely film. 

Key to all of this is the bizarre relationship between Gosling’s silent protagonist and Kristin Scott Thomas who plays his psychotic and controlling mother. At the start of the film, he seems to be an apathetic mute with a very vague leaning towards at least knowing what is morally right. However from the moment she swaggers into the story like an unhinged, menopausal Barbie doll, the reason for his withdrawn persona becomes very obvious. She undermines him at every step of the way by banging on about how he was jealous of his brother and when he sensibly refuses to take revenge, she suggests that his logic is a sign of weakness. If that wasn't enough to make him feel any less manly, she also plays a game of top trumps- but instead of using themed cards she just compares the size of her children's cocks. She even seems almost wistful to point out that poor, little Gosling was never quite as impressive as his dead, rapist brother when it comes to showing off the old, pink beaver cleaver. Luckily, I don't have any siblings so I can sleep soundly knowing that of all the children my parents produced I am by far the most well endowed. Gosling however is clearly suffering his mothers torment and needs to escape and be re-born in order to reclaim his own freedom. I can't really go into whether this happens without getting into spoilers so let’s just say that the resolution is as fucking mental as you might expect. It's also slightly more literal and squelchy than I was imagining...

I can see why people would hate this movie and to be honest, it seems that was its intent from the start. Refn is clearly making a film that's so extreme and difficult that it's bound to piss people off and I imagine he'd consider himself to have failed if it had been loved by everyone. The best way to explain how it divides people is I guess to compare it to being like some sort of hardcore monkey fucking scat porn. It's the kind of thing that will be embraced by some and rejected by others but nobody will simply accept and forget. Only God Forgives is dark, violent, beautiful and most rarely of all unique. It also contains quite a lot of fingering scenes which was an unexpected but more than welcome surprise. My only advice to those of you who are yet to experience it is to just go and find out for yourself. I know a lot of people will skip to the last few sentences rather than read the entire blog so just to sum up for you lazy skim readers- Only God Forgives is my film of the year so far and if you loved The Notebook then this is the film for you!

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The Marriage Delusion

People think that marriage is a thing of romance however the current divorce statistics seem to be throwing a bit of a knob into that anachronistic cunt of a theory. Marriage isn't about love, it's about a bride being made to feel like a princess for one exploitatively pricey day. If marriage is a sign of romance then surely the most romantic thing is to simply remain with someone because you want to and not because you're entrapped within a contract. With so much paper work, you may as well have Gordon Gecko announce you as man and wife. Unlike the sneaky church, at least he's refreshingly honest about his love for greed.

It's not about being seen in the eyes of God either, it's about being seen in the eyes of everybody else. How about you get married in a registry office and invite only close friends and family? Then, you can use the twenty grand you've just saved on something a little more useful like a house, a family or the inevitable, equally-costly divorce. If anybody was willing to contribute to the higher cost, suggest to them that, that money instead be set aside to help your children's future. If I'd bought someone a toaster for them claiming they'll spend their life together and then they break up then I want my toaster back. They might have made a mistake but I don't see why I should be taken for a ride as well.

In my experience, one of the predominant reasons for the current popularity of marriage is the brainwashing abilities of the average schmaltzy film. It's with some relief then, that Blue Valentine was made. Anybody who thinks a big white flowing dress is about 'love' should be forced to watch this whilst strapped to a chair, their eyes pinned open and listening to lovely, lovely Ludvig.

The film starts about eight years into the marriage of Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. Time has not been kind to either with Gosling having turned into a balding Jason Lee and Williams's face permanently smacking of dense bitch. The movie fluctuates between time periods showing both the demise and the birth of their relationship. With these parallel stories both echoing and reflecting each other, it sort of plays out a bit like a more brutal version of The Godfather Part 2.

The break up section seems to be set over the course of the last few days. In an attempt to salvage their husk of a relationship, Gosling books the two into a motel room for a night of love, romance and finger-banging. Williams seems somewhat less than enthusiastic probably because she clearly resents him and partly because the room he's booked has no windows and a shitty spaceship theme. As crap as that sounds though it does have a cool spinning bed and is more believable than any of the sets from Battlefield Earth.

Just because she's trapped in a room with a man she can longer stand, she refuses to enjoy herself. That bitch needs to turn her frown upside down and be a bit politer when someone goes down on her. To say his attempt at eating her out was a bit awkward would be an understatement. Before she rudely stops him, he looks like a dog licking an infected ear and she looks like she's just sniffed a cat's arse hole. This was an uncomfortable experience to watch and worse still, one that I found it very difficult to masturbate to. In the end their emotional wounds and my cock were about as raw as each other.

The flashbacks show Gosling to be a removals man with Williams studying to be a nurse. They meet as she visits her dear elderly Nan in an old folks home and spots what she thinks is him stealing from some doddering old gent across the hall. He decides he loves her and attempts to prove he's not a thieving sinister by doing his best to stalk her. He later finds her on a bus and despite being legitimately creeped out, Williams is quickly won around by his infectious man-child ways.

These flashbacks are genuinely sweet with the talked about ukulele scene being a particularly heartwarming highlight. However, the sweetness is tinted with a tension as we know what miserable fucks these two fun youngsters will become. They both show so much potential which diminishes every time they get a little closer. It's an interesting romance film when you don't want the two loved ones to get it on because you know how shite their lives will eventually become. It's therefore kind of like a slasher film where you helplessly watch the two wide-eyed, love struck twonks walking obliviously towards the masked killer that is marriage.

If this was a horror film however, then it would probably be closer to The Wicker Man than Halloween. Whilst the happy couple head towards the “I do” knife, we slowly realise marriage might not be the only villain. The film's depiction of ageing is also one of depression with time seemingly sapping any energy or will out of all of the characters. Gosling and Williams obviously go from singing and dancing to ranting and rejection. They also meet in an old peoples home were the soon-to-be-dead residents have become irrelevant and vacant. Even Williams's father goes from a strong 1950's belt-beating type to helplessly locked out of his own home and attached to an oxygen tank. Like Goslings character, I too decided a while back that I wasn't going to die but from this point on I think I'll also do my best not to age either. Fuck the free bus pass, I'd rather retain my ability to develop those randomly unexplainable erections. Where boners are concerned, it's best to have and not need than need and not have.

Considering this is a film focused more on acting than style, the performances are satisfyingly strong. Beyond the equally pissed off wife in Brokeback Mountain, I haven't seen Williams in much but she's certainly got the knack for being a convincingly soul destroyed spouse. Ironically for a film about loss, Heath Ledger was originally cast in this film before dropping out because of a schedule clash with death. The other irony is that before learning this I couldn't help but be reminded by Blue Valentine of his section in I'm Not There. It would have been interesting to watch Williams and Ledger play a couple heading for divorce considering they'd already done the research of divorcing each other in real life. As method acting goes, that level of preparation must surely be up there with De Niro's pasta  eating Raging Bull rampage.

However, in The Joker's absence, Gosling is an equally worthy replacement. Especially when he's making nothing but quality films in what I presume is a cinematic apology for The Notebook. Like Drive, this thankfully goes someway to helping me forget that sentimental slab of shite but it does still linger in the memory like a loud, wet, syrupy turd. Although I probably preferred Drive, I can't help but think that watching his marriage break up was a lot more painful than seeing him mash up a goons wanking hand with a claw hammer.

Out of the two characters, Gosling originally has an easier ride by playing the more likeable of them. However, with his manchild ways comes a lack of responsibility and ultimately, aimlessness. Although Williams starts off as a sour faced bitch, we slowly realise what's made her such a moody trout. She's trapped in a situation with a man who needs to grow the fuck up. I therefore can't help but notice another criticism of marriage as two characters who shouldn't be in a relationship remain so because of the promises they've made and the guilt of breaking them. They might have wasted a decade of their life together but hey at least they've still got my gift of a toaster. Kitchen appliances always help me through the dark times in life.

If you liked Nil By Mouth and 500 Days Of Summer and wondered what they'd look like if blended together then Blue Valentine is your answer. This is much truer to real life than those alternate brainwashing, fairytale bullshit stories. Arguably my beliefs have been just as cemented by this as the deluded's are by all that Richard Curtis crap however this is different. The crazies are having their views inspired by an unrealistic hope whereas mine is being reinforced through regretful recognition. I'm not drawn to cynicism, I'm drawn to the truth. It's not my fault that there isn't much difference.

If you like films that are well written, directed and acted then this is for you. For those who believe in all the happily ever after shit then this should be a must watch. I'm aware that some people beat the odds and stick together through choice but it's rare. I have one friend whose parents aren't divorced, with his Dad regularly drawing pictures of his Mum in a hat with a stick. Although he's clearly doing it to take the piss and constantly depicts her shortness in an offensively exaggerated way, it's sweetness can't be unnoticed. However the point is that those who stay together will do so regardless and not because of a signed-with-blood wedding certificate. For those infected with the disease of wanting to get married because it's 'what they've always dreamt of doing' then this film should be provided as the cure. In the way that the Government makes safety films for twats who fly kites nearby pylons, this too should be forced upon people from a young age. It won't stop the suffering but it might at least prepare you for it.

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