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The Rolling Stones once sang that 'you can't always get what you want' which I learned when I stood on, then slipped off the edge of the bath, cracked my cock on the sink, and ended up in hospital whilst playing 'Tarzan' as an eight year old. That same year I did quite well in my SATs which are a set of school exams that don't really count towards anything at all. Kind of like a degree but cheaper. As a result my Granddad gave me five quid which I was excited to spend on a toy of Han Solo. I'd just seen Star Wars for the first time during its 1997 re-release and my brain was still reeling from the experience. I'm almost fucking thirty now and based on the Millennium Falcon that I have hanging from my bedroom ceiling, I'd say that I probably never quite recovered. You'd think therefore that I'd be excited by the prospect of a Han Solo prequel, but I wasn't. I didn't want it. Why would I want a Han Solo film without Harrison Ford? And isn't the original trilogy essentially his origin story as we watch him go from scoundrel to hero? Luckily the film was to be helmed by Lord and Miller who have made a career out of bad ideas. 21 Jump Street sounded shit and who the fuck is going to enjoy a movie based on Lego? I didn't want a Han Solo film but with these two in charge, the very fact that it felt like a bad idea made it perfect for them. You can't always get what you want though and just as the idea sounded exciting, the pair were fired over 'creative differences'. On the bright side my cock did recover after I whacked it on the sink. Just in case you were still wondering about that.

Remaining Optimistic

Have you seen 22 Jump Street yet? Expecting something to be shit and then finding out it's actually not is such a lovely experience because of how rarely it happens! Have you ever eaten a mussel? Surely anybody who has must have had low expectations from looking at it! As food goes, there's always going to be something more appealing than what looks like fish snot on a shell. Well a few years ago and during one of my braver moments I decided to give it a go and you know what? To my surprise I learnt that even though it doesn't look very appealing, it still managed to taste even more fucking disgusting than I could have predicted. Imagine licking squid cum off a sharpened rock that was once used to scrape shit from a mermaid’s arse and that's pretty much what eating a mussel is like. It was rank. I think that it's a general rule in life that if we have low expectations then there's probably a reason and we're usually right. The same is kind of true of films too, to a degree, although I'd argue you should always remain a little open minded when walking into the cinema. Yes, Michael Bay's next film is probably going to be rubbish but I'd rather remain optimistic on the off chance that I'm wrong about him being a talentless, angry, fucknugget... I'm not, but you never know. Expecting something to be shit and then finding out it's actually not is such a lovely experience because of how rarely it happens and despite the fact that it should be a massive raging turd, I decided to see 22 Jump Street.