A Life Changing Hit From A Bong

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If you can watch the film Okja and still eat meat by the time the credits roll then as far as I'm concerned you're a fucking sociopath. I'd been considering vegetarianism for some time before seeing this movie but I'd been somewhat put off by the fact that I didn't like eating things that weren't meat and I fucking loved eating the things that were. If I were to order a pizza then when asked what toppings I'd like for it I'd ask for so much meat that it was almost easier for me to just sing “Old MacDonald Had A Farm” down the fucking phone. Of course, I felt guilty about it. To quote this film, “I'm an animal lover. Everybody knows that about me!” But my God they taste so good, don't they? It helps that we often give the food different names too I think. I'm not eating a cute little piggy but a delicious cooked sausage that I can imagine somebody must have plucked harmlessly from the sausage tree. I was going to say I'd like to imagine myself eating from the sausage bush but that just sounds as though I like a man with a lot of pubes and I'm desperate to suck his cock. Of course, I knew that sausages came from pigs but even the adverts on television made the animals look happy for me to eat them. Beef adverts make it seem as though the meat is a gift from the cows and I'd be hurting their poor little moo-moo feelings if I chose not to accept it. Look, I love giving gifts as much as the next person but if it involves me being shot in the head, hung from meat hooks, splayed open, and then shoved into a fucking burning hot oven then I might just get you a fucking gift voucher instead if you don't fucking mind. 

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Boners, Stepdads, and Fake News

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Oh it's hard when you're a teenager, isn't it?! Your dick, I mean. Not so much these days but back then there was no bigger thorn in my side than the boner in my pants. Just fucking constant. In fact, I honestly don't know how people haven't figured out that Spider-Man is a teenage boy based on how tight is costume is and how often he must get those occasionally random boners. He could be hanging upside down on a lamppost just minding his own business and suddenly.. oop random boner time. I mean he'd have definitely got one in the last movie when Vulture was trying to choke him to death wouldn't he? And if you ask me, it shows a complete lack of initiative on his part too that he didn't just whip it out and start thrashing away. Best case scenario is that your enemy gets so freaked out that they let you go, worst case is that you simply go out with a smile. In Spider-Man: Far From Home, Peter decides to follow his dick to Europe where he intends to woo MJ, his school crush. In fact, it's a school trip that he's going on and so you can imagine that his biggest enemy will be whichever teacher has given up their free time to take the children away. Here's a clue - it's probably a pedo one. But the reality is that there's a bunch of crazy shit going down with some elemental giant things that he has to sort out. Of course, he has to do this without giving his secret identity away which is going to be even more difficult when he's got his entire class keeping tabs on him and MJ constantly reminding him that it's boner time.

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Sell Yourself

Although wanking and crying takes up most of my time, I do try to be productive in the half hour of each day that I'm completely free. Sometimes I like to take my dog on a walk and other times I enjoy playing Grand Theft Auto to see how many prostitutes I can kill before having to commit suicide. Occasionally though, I also like to read books with my latest effort being Jon Ronson's enjoyably un-comforting The Psychopath Test. The book followed Ronson on his one-sided adventure into the world of the crazies, whilst detailing how he suspected they're fucking up society from the top. For birdwatchers looking to take their weird hobby to the next level, the book also detailed how one might go about spotting a real life psychopath in the wild. Turns out they're manipulative, glib, callous, have rather ambitious long term goals and as such make pretty good politicians, serial killers and in some cases, step-parents. It also pointed out that if you've ever panicked about being a psycho whilst doing something a bit kooky like microwaving the cat, masturbating with shit, or enjoying a Michael Bay film then you shouldn't worry too much. A psychopath has literally no interest in how another person might define them and so you're probably fine.

Suspecting The Worst

If you've not yet seen The Hunt yet then cancel everything and get the fuck to it! It's a genius slab of drama that focuses on the trauma an adult can suffer when accused of introducing a child to his fleshy man-dick. I know the film has been out a little while but due to life’s incessant bullshit, I'd somehow unknowingly avoided it for far too long… however like the irregular schedule of the bastard bus, you wait forever for one pedo-film and then two come along at once. Only a couple of weeks after buzzing off The Hunt, I recently caught up with the pervert-tacular Prisoners. Both films take place during a holiday, begin with a deer hunt and feature the fucktarded consequences of spontaneous vigilantism. The difference between the two is that in The Hunt you know that the accused is innocent of his crime. Prisoners on the other hand is a bit more of a kiddy-fucking free for all.

Prisoners tells the story of two families whose Thanksgiving is ruined when they misplace their daughters like a set of shitty car keys. Luckily though there was a greasy looking critter parked outside their house all that day in a large pedo-mobile who probably knows where they are. One of the missing girls’ dads, played by Hugh Jackman, therefore makes the logical decision to kidnap the oddball and punch the living shite out of him until he talks. I guess he just figured that the chap would be more likely to co-operate if choking on his own teeth and being screamed at by fucking Wolverine. Meanwhile, detective Donnie Darko is on his own mission to find the girls and uncovers so many more pedo-ish suspects that the area starts to resemble a holiday camp for retired BBC presenters. The plot set-up then is simply that there are several potential kidnappers with Jackman's character already having picked his 'molester du jour’ before even glancing at the full menu. What plays out is therefore just a classic game of nonce-roulette in which you take one of several local creeps, crack open their head and then hope to fuck that you had the right one.

You've got to love There's Something About Mary...

On the bright side, there's no doubting that Prisoners is a good film. In fact for the first two-thirds there's an enjoyably suffocating Zodiac-esque feel to the thing as it attempts to establish itself as being both sombre and weighty. Helping this is of course the predictably brilliant acting in which Wolverine and Donnie Darko do their best to inflate their unblinking eyes to blood-shot and bulbous levels of intensity and anguish. Nothing hammers home the serious intentions of a film more than having your two leads stare so hard that their face veins explode in a way that only naturally occurs during anal rape. Although both men are indisputably impressive throughout, I think that for me I was perhaps most impressed by Gyllenhaal. I guess that you kind of expect intensity from Jackman because he's most famous for playing an angry twat with knives up his hands, however Gyllenhaal has had to fight to be taken seriously as an adult against the curse of his annoyingly handsome but boyishly dopey face. Here though he manages to believably play a demented detective so successfully that I almost didn't mind the odd haircut that made it look as though he was being scalp fucked by a tattered doormat.

If they're on one side though then I suppose we should also have a little look at their rivals over on Team Nonce. Sadly though, I kind of think that this is one of the areas that the film kind of lets itself down in as it lazily just reaches into the big bag of pervert clichés. Paul Dano plays one of the twitchy suspects and don't get me wrong- he is as amazing here as he usually is in terms of immersing himself in the role. I don't know what it is about Dano considering I know nothing about his real life but for some reason I really think me and him could one day be friends. Although that might just be because of his mute performance in Little Miss Sunshine and my desire to know somebody who literally has no choice but to listen to my everlasting drivel… However as great a performance as it is, his character couldn't be more classically pedo if he walked around with his cock disguised as a new born puppy. As the other suspects show up they too all have a look about them that's so sinister that you'd be forgiven for an involuntary scream of “FUCK OFF, CREEPER” if you passed them in the street. Films like Hard Candy and The Woodsman went someway to showing that the most dangerous thing about a sex offender is that they don't necessarily look like monsters. They could be anybody, anywhere and at any time, but here with their greasy hair, twitchy energy, bullet proof glasses and the pin-prick, tiny eyes of shrew, they couldn't be anything fucking else.

The other festering cock of a problem is pretty much the entire third act which, in my opinion, kind of undermines everything that had been done over the previous two arse-numbing hours. Like I said, the film has a moodiness to it that suggests a degree of realism and importance however the concluding third just goes a bit fucking mental. I won't spoil the details but it's like the plot slips over and accidental falls tit first into the boring world of the bog-standard thriller- the kind where some dick of a main character starts acting like the worlds thickest plank and walks gormlessly into the gaping, toothy snatch of the villain. Real life is both dull and as predictable as fuck and does not contain as many twists as this story attempts to suggest. If a little girl goes missing then the odds are she's dead- killed by either the school caretaker or her pervy uncle. What starts off as a downbeat, gritty depiction of child abduction concludes with so many bullshit 'surprises' that it's like a weird pedo-sequel to Ocean's Eleven. It's a shame too because everything starts off pretty great, it's just that when it comes time to explaining itself, it kind of starts to fuck up. Maybe if they'd gone for the gothic horror of Silence of the Lambs, the conclusion would have rang slightly more believable. It's like that moment when you ask somebody who’s lying a question and suddenly they get stumped and splutter out some panicked bollocks that sounds so much shitter than the previously prepared story of crap.

Anyone who uses a Blue Shell is a dick.

Still the whole thing is still pretty enjoyable for the most part. It's just such a shame that for a film that's about two and half hours long the story still seems to have bigger, gaping holes than an eighty year old whore. If they could just re-write the end and then squeeze the bagginess out of it then I think you'd end up with a movie worthy of its performances. Although, to give credit where it's due in regards to the end, there is a pretty cool high-speed car scene in the middle of heavy snow as the driver's head-wound gushes blood into their eyes. The film was lit by a cinematographer named Roger Deakins whose work, for those who don't know, is the human equivalent of having your eye gauged out by a golden paintbrush. Everything he works on has his unmistakable stamp of beauty on it and this is no exception. However this speeding car scene near the end is almost painful in its artistic genius. With the snow, the blood and the passing neon signs, there's so much colour being seared into our retinas that everything starts to look like Mario Kart’s Rainbow Road if it had been designed by a psychopath.

Prisoners is a good film that's just nowhere near perfect. If you have a few spare hours and there's nothing else to do then I recommend you give it a go.  On the other hand though, The Hunt almost is perfect and as I said at the start, you should go check that out before it's too late and we're all dead. They're both very enjoyable but if you only get chance to relax to one film about child abuse this year then really, it isn't a hard decision as to which you should go for. I don't regret having paid to watch Prisoners at all but if I'm honest I don't think I'd pay to own it on DVD. If however I was lucky enough to trip over the frozen corpse of a rotten tramp and he had a copy of it in his lethally chilled begging-claw then I would be more than happy to steal it from him and I'd appreciate the repeat viewing. But only under those circumstances.

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Every Living Creature On Earth Dies Alone

They say that “your school days are the best days of your life”, which is a bullshit sentiment designed solely to encourage student suicide. If there is anybody reading this that's still in education then please don't worry as that message is thankfully an absolute slab of crap. Don't get me wrong, life will still be a steady stream of bollocks after you graduate but being an adult at least brings with it a protective sense of cynicism. As a kid you look forward to the future in the naïve hope that things will get better, but... they won't. As soon as you realise that then two phrases will inject themselves into your brain and save you from the noose. The first is “go fuck yourself, you piece of shit”, and the second is “oh fuck it, whatever”. Those two sentences and the confidence to say them are the only things that will distinguish the misery of youth with the misery of adulthood. Well, that and your inevitable decay into substance abuse.

Being a teenager for me was a mostly angsty affair, which resulted in a lot of time sitting alone in my room whilst listening to The Smiths and having a post-wank cry. I therefore couldn't help but feel particularly neglected by teen movies such as American Pie and Eurotrip which had about as much relevance with my life as they did an 18^th century whore's. I didn't spend my prom trying to shag about because I boycotted it. I couldn't be fucked spending an over-priced evening with a herd of wankers and I'm yet to regret that decision. In my experience, teen movies in general are seriously misinformed and only add to the unfortunate viewers sense of isolation. I can therefore only assume that either the people making them have absolutely no recollection of growing up, or more likely were spat out of their mothers meaty snapper as a fully formed adult.

Grandma Death

One such film that I thankfully could relate to was Donnie Darko, which rather imaginatively focused on a teenager with more on his mind than getting drunk and spunking. Donnie is a troubled young chap who rather worryingly has been told by a six foot bunny rabbit that the world will end in twenty-eight days. Considering the fact that I can only associate the phrase “twenty-eight days later” with the infected, then my only curiosity would be in why we have to continue our miserable existence for that much fucking longer? However on top of that, the film also involves time travel, random bits of plane falling from the sky and a fair bit of casual racism aimed towards a fat asian girl and the Smurfs. Also, there's a character in it called Grandma Death who I'm pretty sure is played by Peter Stringfellow. In honesty I haven't got a clue what's going on here, but that really doesn't bother me. Life itself was just as obscure when I was Donnie's age, so all that confusion just makes the film easier to relate to. The only things my teen self could reasonably expect in a day was a varying degree of disappointment and a badly timed bone on. It's depressing to notice how little has changed since then.

"Execute Order 66"

There are plenty of theories out there as to what Donnie Darko is really about which include things like it all being a dream or even a schizophrenic hallucination. Some more creative explanations might be that it's either about the second coming of Jesus or more bizarrely is an unofficial remake of E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial. Personally I don't subscribe to the latter because at no point in this film did my heart break at the image of a half dead mumbling turd. Having said that there's no reason that they can't all be correct to each individual viewer. If you watch Goodfellas and somehow see it as a giant metaphor for the time Pope Palpatine lubed up in devil-shit and exploded out of his own arse and into our dimension, then fine. Where any story is concerned there is no right or wrong understanding simply different interpretations.

My theory therefore is that this film is merely a reflection of how shite it feels to be Donnie's age. I'm not denying that there is a story in there, but for me the important bit is in how each aspect of it acts as a metaphor for being a young adult. If your average teenager gets a tit sized spot on their forehead then they can't help but think of themselves as being the centre of the universe. I'm therefore sure that we can probably relate to Donnie considering that's exactly what he pretty much is. It's also worth noting that he's a suspected schizophrenic meaning that like most people his age he probably feels like nobody understands him. On top of all that, as Donnie advances into adulthood he quickly discovers that fighting against conformity won't get him anywhere. If anybody here has read any of these previous blogs they'll have probably picked up on my hatred of following the herd for the sake of it. Considering how bitter and twisted I now am, I'm sure you can guess that fighting against society's expectations is not working out too well for me.

Hello, Marion...

I suppose the scene which best demonstrates an intolerance for anybody protesting against the norm, would be when Patrick Swayze comes to Donnie's school. Swayze plays Jim Cunningham, a motivational speaker who makes a living from preaching his pure arse-reeking bollocks. This results in a war of words between him and Donnie which ends when the ex-dirty dancer is called “the fucking anti-christ”. To be fair to Jim, he might turn out to be a liar and a pervert but he's hardly Piers Morgan. Personally I've never really liked Swayze because he has the stench of a creepy weirdo about him. However, Jim Cunningham is also a creepy weirdo so I guess this may be his greatest ever performance. I know that he's snuffed it now and you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but luckily nor can you liable them. So although it would be morally wrong for me to say that Swayze looked like a paedophile, it would ironically be legally fine for me to say that he definitely was one. I don't think he was but I just thought I'd point out that this seems like a loophole that just hasn't been exploited enough. In other news, who'd have thought that John Wayne would turn out to be a raging transexual? Although I'd always suspected that the bigoted star of both The Searchers and Cum Lovers 2 was born with a dangling quim, it still came as quite a surprise.

So yeah, if you're in school now and want something that might help you reflect on your own life then I recommend Donnie Darko. However I'm sure by now that most people will have seen it despite it's originally messy release. The film was scheduled to come out in the weeks following 9/11 but was delayed because for some reason people might not have been in the mood for a story in which bits of plane fall from the sky. If you have already seen it then I guess I'd also suggest you check out Brick, Juno, Kes or just porn. Porn won't help you understand yourself but it certainly helped distract me when I was in my teens.

Welcome to the class of '44

If however you do want something that will perfectly sum up school life, then you should send me some money to fund my own teen movie. If I'm being honest it does play out a little less like The Breakfast Club and a little more like Schindler's List but I think you'll enjoy it. I can't show you a script though because there's no point in writing it until I get your cash upfront. In the meantime, if there was a particular film that helped you endure your youth then I'd be pretty curious to know what it was, simply because it'd be an efficient way for me to harshly judge you. Let's face it, if you're one of those popular freaks who actually could somehow relate to American Pie then I guess this blog won't have meant too much to you. In which case... ah fuck it! Just go fuck yourself, you piece of shit! 
 

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Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.

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