Boners, Stepdads, and Fake News

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Oh it's hard when you're a teenager, isn't it?! Your dick, I mean. Not so much these days but back then there was no bigger thorn in my side than the boner in my pants. Just fucking constant. In fact, I honestly don't know how people haven't figured out that Spider-Man is a teenage boy based on how tight is costume is and how often he must get those occasionally random boners. He could be hanging upside down on a lamppost just minding his own business and suddenly.. oop random boner time. I mean he'd have definitely got one in the last movie when Vulture was trying to choke him to death wouldn't he? And if you ask me, it shows a complete lack of initiative on his part too that he didn't just whip it out and start thrashing away. Best case scenario is that your enemy gets so freaked out that they let you go, worst case is that you simply go out with a smile. In Spider-Man: Far From Home, Peter decides to follow his dick to Europe where he intends to woo MJ, his school crush. In fact, it's a school trip that he's going on and so you can imagine that his biggest enemy will be whichever teacher has given up their free time to take the children away. Here's a clue - it's probably a pedo one. But the reality is that there's a bunch of crazy shit going down with some elemental giant things that he has to sort out. Of course, he has to do this without giving his secret identity away which is going to be even more difficult when he's got his entire class keeping tabs on him and MJ constantly reminding him that it's boner time.

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Now that we're in a post-Endgame world I suppose that the first thing that we have to address is in how well Peter Parker will do without the charismatic aid of Tony Stark to play off. There might be an Endgame spoiler coming up right now in case you're arsed. Instead of one mentor however, Far From Home has given Peter the full spectrum of stepfather type figures to play with this time. Nick Fury is constantly trying to get him to work on his mission of saving the world despite Peters desire to enjoy his holiday and stalk the girl he likes. Nick Fury is the 1950's style stepfather in that he's constantly disappointed and no matter what you do his response will be to show you the buckle end of his belt. As in he hits you with it, I mean. Not because it's shiny and he has brain damage. Then there's Happy Hogan who shares Parker's grief over the loss of Stark. Hogan is the stepfather-type that was your Dad's best friend and now has confusing feelings of his own in that he understands your pain but he also wants to bang your Mum. He wants to do right by you and he does like you but he knows that he can't be your friend because he's also quite literally a motherfucker. Then there's newcomer Quintin Beck aka Mysterio. He arrives at the same time as the elementals and really does make an effort to have Peter like him. He takes him out for drinks and encourages him to give up his world-saving mission in favour of having fun. Beck is the cool tennis coach type of stepfather that you'd love to have as your Dad without realising that you've idealised him so much that he's really only going to let you down. In real life, he's the kind of stepfather that would buy you weed to show that he can be trusted before grassing you up to your Mum as a distraction when she spots that he's been sending pictures of his dick to his ex-girlfriend.

The other thing that I'd really wondered about before seeing Far From Home was how they were going to handle the character of Mysterio. In case you don't know his comic book back-story then I won't spoil it for you except to say that it walks a tightrope of silliness with only a steep drop into shit on either side. I mean that's even true of his appearance in that it's a basic green suit/purple cape combo, and then a random goldfish bowl on his head. In the way that Archimedes shouted "Eureka" when noticing the water levels rise in his bath, when the original artist came up with the design for Mysterio I can only assume that they shouted "Ah fuck it!".  The way that this film has adapted him for the MCU however is pure genius. The biggest initial shock is in how much of his ridiculous origin they've actually managed to maintain whilst still updating it to fit in with the world of the films. Like a politician attempting to explain their plan for Brexit however, I can't really go into the details there without spoiling any of the wonderful surprises. Except in my case, I do actually have an explanation and the spoilers aren't that you're about to die in a ditch after eating nothing but fucking cockroaches for a year. It's worth saying too that Jake Gyllenhaal is proper batshit brilliant in the role as he continues to prove that he's one of the most interesting actors working today. He doesn't really get the praise that he deserves but look at his C.V and you'll see that along with Donnie Darko, Zodiac, Nightcrawler, and Heath Ledger's character in Brokeback Mountain, he's been in some truly memorable things. I don't know if you spotted it but there was a gay joke in there. I'm so clever.

If there's any subtext to the movie it's probably that of 'fake news' which is a phrase I can barely hear these days without my eye twitching so violently that it looks like I'm having a fucking stroke. But Far From Home is about a world in which we're told "people will believe anything" by a villain that intends to manipulate the media into giving them power. It also emphasises quite how far the power of showmanship can get you when everything that you have to offer is complete fucking bullshit. Although it's worth noting that the villain here acts as his own master and isn't simply trying to trick his way into power after having been filmed playing in piss with some Russian prostitutes. And speaking of 'fake news' or as it should be known, 'bullshit' you might have heard about Far From Home being the final film in this phase of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. "But didn't Endgame have a definitive ending?" I hear you ask. "Can this really wrap up the events of that previous, definitive and era-defining blockbuster?" To which the obvious answer is.. err.. no. Honestly, I've always struggled to understand how these 'phases' are defined but Far From Home isn't quite the epilogue that the marketing would have you believe. It briefly deals with the world post-snap, and there's a theme of Peter having to take Stark's place as the king of the heroes. But the real reason that it's being declared the final film in this phase is to simply position it as more of a direct sequel to one of the biggest films of all time. I hate to sound cynical but by calling it the final film in this phase the marketing department is treating you like such a bitch that you may as well pop a ball gag into your mouth and live in a fucking box for them.

Not that I consider the marketing a criticism of the film of course. Sure, Far From Home might have been better had it gone into Parker's grief a bit more. But this sequel follows in Homecoming's footsteps by focusing as much on being a fun teen comedy as it does an action film. As with the On The Busses Movie, Kevin And Perry Go Large, and when my parents found that my pet hamster had died, "they're on holiday now" is usually a lazy excuse for a story. But it was actually quite interesting to see if this film could keep the spirit of the Spider-Man character by setting him predominantly in an environment that isn't New York for a change. Obviously, I know he went to space a few movies back but before you shout that at me you can go fuck yourself for being a pedant. Thanks to how much fun it is to spend time with Parker and his friends though it doesn't seem to matter where the web-slinger is so long as the film remembers both its heart and its life lessons. Like Sam Raimi's original Spider-Man 2 this film is essentially a re-working of the 'refusal of the call' trope. Except to prevent cliché from setting in it's not that Parker can't be fucked being a hero any more but rather that he'd just like five minutes to try and get his bonk on with MJ. He's doing so well with her in terms of actually trying to work out how much she likes him before asking her out too. I'm so cynical now that I just scrawl a question mark onto my cock with a sharpie and then send a picture of it out to everybody in my email contacts. So it was nice to see Peter and MJ's relationship evolve in a way that reminded me that there might be some sweetness left in the world after all. Thanks for reading motherfuckers and see you next time.