Woody Kill Those Damn Dirty Apes?

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At the beginning of War For The Planet Of The Apes, the ape leader Caesar suffers a devastating blow which sparks him off on a mission of revenge, putting his very soul at risk. At a pivotal moment in this movie, some dumb motherfucking bitch that was sat near to me got her stupid twatting phone out, lighting the cinema up and distracting me from an otherwise emotional scene. My soul has already been well and truly lost and so I wish nothing but the most carnivorous of parasites to latch itself onto that simplistic bint's brain and to chew its way through to her fucking spinal cord. Caesar, however, is more thoughtful than me. The focus of his revenge is the leader of a cult-like band of military fuck-wits that are being led by the Kurtz-a-like Woody Harrelson, who looks like how a fat Marlon Brando might have done had he posed in front of a complimentary circus mirror. Along for the ride are a couple of Caesar's ape-friends who act as his confidants and voices-of-reason. My friends, however, are as bad as me... so fuck that ignorant fucking pig and her stupid fucking phone. I hope she was getting bad news at the fucking time.

Boning Up: Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes

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What's the story?

In the previous film it seems that not only did we humans create a race of super-chimps, but the very virus that made them smarter also made us pretty fucking dead. Having sneezed our way into an early grave, what's left of humanity is surviving under the leadership of Gary Oldman. Meanwhile Caesar and his band of merry monkeys are living in peace in the forest until a chance encounter with the humans leads to gun-fire and tension between the two species. Also for the sake of variety, one of Caesar's closest friends is a crazy, human-hating fuck-nugget named Koba. Bearing in mind that the franchise is called Planet Of The Apes and not Planet Of The Humans And Apes Who Love Each Other Dearly... I'm sure you can figure out that it's all going to kick off.

Boning Up: Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes

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What's the story?

James Franco plays a scientist that accidentally creates a drug that gives monkeys a super-smartness that will ultimately take over the world. The only unbelievable bit of that sentence is that James Franco plays a scientist. After being kicked out of his job because an escaped monkey was gunned down during one of his meetings he decides to continue his experiments at home with a baby chimp that he has essentially stolen from work. Over the years this chimp, Caesar, does indeed become super-smart and essentially sets about doing the same thing to every other monkey in the area. He has his reasons though, so let's not judge him too harshly.. Mostly that humans are pricks. Franco is a good human but the rest of us really do seem to be absolute cock-munchers so fuck us.. fuck us all to Hell! If you want to seem super-smart too then you can tell people that Caesar's revolution here heavily draws on elements of the original Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes. And when I say you'll look super-smart too, I really mean you'll look like a complete fucking nerd.

Caesar Lead Salad

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The fact that any of us even exist is such a miracle that it's impossible to fully comprehend. Think of how hard it can be to find somebody to bonk off with and then remember that most of the time you really don't want it to result in the creation of a little baby brat. Think of how many people needed to meet and screw and then get pregnant at that exact time for you to be here right now. The exact combination of people doing an exact thing has been happening since the dawn of time and it's only because of all those coincidences that we're here right now. Amazing. Bearing all this in mind, you might therefore expect life to be a little less fucking shit than it actually is. As a whole, I am not a fan of people and really don't like the world that we live in. I do however love movies about the apocalypse which I genuinely do see as being a kind of wish-fulfilment thing. Usually in these movies, most of humanity has been wiped out which is fine by me because most people are knobheads anyway. Also, the survivors are now all on a comfortably even playing field- none of this ‘I'm richer than you’ or ‘your partner is uglier than mine’ bullshit. During the apocalypse, whether you're a success or a failure won't be dictated by the whimsical fucking chances that society may or may not present you with. It'll be judged on who’s got the pointiest stick and who’s willing to eat a dead person’s face. Meh... fucking fine by me.