When Lockdown Starts To Do Damage

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The coronavirus continues to take its toll, lockdown drags on, my dog died, and I'm being forced to leave my home to find somewhere else to live. Fuck it, I'm going to watch Snakes On A Plane again. In case none of you have noticed, it's been a pretty fucking stressful year so far and sometimes you just need to turn off your brain and stare at something distracting for a couple of hours. Occasionally it might not even be porn either. Snakes On A Plane is a weird movie because it was all anybody could talk about until it actually hit the cinemas and then we all seemed to decide to just never to talk about it again. That's kind of what the Germans initially did regarding their Nazi atrocities after they'd lost the second world war. They just tried to hush the whole thing up and pretend it never happened until about twenty years later and the students suddenly began to question what their parents were trying to hide. I'm sure that nobody is going to claim that Snakes On A Plane is the greatest film of all time but is it as bad as the holocaust? Let me be bold and claim that I don't think it is. So why have we all decided to develop this collective amnesia in regards to its existence? How bad can it really be? Because having watched it the other day I have to ask myself a pretty important question, has Snakes On A Plane actually aged really well or has lockdown finally fucking broken me?

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Another Drop Kick To The Heart

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Pixar films are great because you can take a first date to see one and if they're not in floods of tears by the end then you know they're likely to be a fucking sociopath and you're in danger. Not that I go on many dates, of course. The only chance I have to meet people is through Tinder and recently I've been left swiping on everyone like a motherfucker because I've started getting off on the idea of being the one that rejects them for a fucking change. So even though Pixar's latest Onward is quite clearly a children's film, I ended up going to see it alone. Which is fine. I'm aware that in a row of parent, child, parent, child, parent, child, me, that I must look like a nonce. But I also don't want people disturbing me when I'm at the cinema and so I'm quite happy to have children be told not to go near “the bad man”. Still. I probably shouldn't be getting my dick out even if it is just to maintain that illusion. I went into this movie pretty blind having avoided all trailers and reviews and so I wasn't sure what it was going to be about. As it turns out it's a fantasy film that takes place in a world that's relatably our own but where magic is treated as being part of the mundane. Imagine The Lord Of The Rings but if the Hobbits were stopping every few miles to brag about how many steps that their fucking Fitbits were up to. Or the Narnia movies if Edmond had to ram his fingers down his throat because he'd eaten too much Turkish Delight and his Instagram followers were commenting that he was becoming a fat prick.

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