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You
might remember from the previous instalments of this franchise that
Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones were the main characters. However in
this new film there is almost no mention of them at all. I don't know
where Jones has gone but I reckon that we can probably look to Neeson
and his “cosh” for an explanation of where Smith's character
might be. Essentially Men In Black: International is
a soft-reboot for the franchise in that it features almost entirely
new characters but is still supposedly set in the same world. In fact
I think that Emma Thompson's character is the only person to survive
the cull after appearing in Men In Black 3
as the replacement to Rip Torn's Agent Z. I know it's nothing to do
with this film but it's always fun to remember that the ageing actor
Torn was fired from the franchise having been arrested for breaking
into a bank whilst so drunk that he supposedly thought it was his own home. If
only he'd had Liam Neeson's neuralizer handy to erase the bad press I
guess. Although.. if you can keep Emma Thompson in your franchise then
why wouldn't you? And I have to say that keeping her on board is one
of the few things that this movie does right. She's only in it for a
few minutes but whenever she does show up it's like a breath of fresh
air after you've been forced to inhale exclusively from a box of
farts.
As of now the only good
Men In Black film is the
brilliant first one with even the original sequels struggling to
recreate what made it so great. It was simple, it was full of heart,
it was funny, it was poignant, it had cool creature effects, and the
central duo worked brilliantly together. Men In Black:
International doesn't understand
this at all however and seems to think that the appeal of the first
film was simply the action and the effects. Except that instead of
the cool, practical effects of Rick Baker that gave the first
instalment its charm, this new film simply throws CG at the screen
like shit at a wall. There might be more of it and it might be more
realistic, but it lacks any sense of character or uniqueness that made
the series so special. In fact there's even a cameo from Piers Morgan
in this movie which I feel should come with a fucking warning from
the beginning. I know aliens can be grotesque creatures but Morgan
looks like a puss filled genital wart on the cock of an inflated pig
as its corpse rots in the sun. In a Men In Black film,
I want the aliens to be memorable and interesting to look at but
watching Piers Morgan speak is like watching the spitting piss-flaps
of an anal grub as it explodes with bile and it made me want to vomit
up the fucking walls. I know that in Men In Black 2 there
was a similar cameo from Michael Jackson but at least he has a huge,
deluded, fan base that might get a kick out of seeing him. But who
the fuck wants to see Piers Morgan in a movie? Unless of course that
movie was a documentary about whether or not it's possible to die
from being kicked in the bollocks over and over again.
Perhaps
you might think that none of that really matters though as this film
only really serves to be a vehicle for Hemsworth and Thompson to show
off their comedic chops and chemistry together? I mean they were
great in Taika Waititi's Thor: Ragnarök
right? But sadly even they fail to lift this film out of its generic
blockbuster funk with the script and direction feeling about as
corporate as an advert for a fucking credit card. It was like turning
up to a James Brown or Marvin Gaye concert and finding out that
they'd been replaced by The Spice Girls, because when you were hoping
for something with a bit of soul what you got was some generic
manufactured bullshit with a brand name that was popular in the 90's.
The first film worked with Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith perfecting
the straight man and comedy sidekick schtick and that's clearly what
they're attempting here. Except that without Thor's pathos, Hemsworth
simply comes across as unlikeably cocky, and without Valkyrie's inner
pain, Thompson just seems fucking dull. By the half way point I
actually started to wonder if Taika Waititi had paid for this movie
to be made himself to simply show off how good a director he is by
comparison. There is another character in it that gets the odd laugh
with Kumail Nanjiani providing the voice of a tiny little alien
called Pawny. Except because he's so small his comments may as well
be coming from off-screen as though a live audience has been hired to
provide a laughter track and even they've gotten so bored that
they've started to fucking heckle.
Original
director Barry Sonnenfeld was in the same school of people as The
Coen Brothers and Sam Raimi and so his Men In Black trilogy
was at least always weird and distinct. But new director F. Gary
Gray's back catalogue is littered with generic actioners such as A
Man Apart and Law
Abiding Citizen. Not to insult
the man but can you think of any directorial tick that you could
identify as being distinctly his own? Because if he has one then
clearly it's that his films conclude with a quick flash of the
neuralizer to prevent me from fucking remembering them. Of course
it's worth praising the film for having a co-lead that's female. The
brilliant Men In Black hinted
that Smith would have a female partner before Men In Black
2 changed its mind and replaced
her with a dog in a fucking suit. But despite having the look and
name of a Men In Black film,
this new entry has jettisoned
all but the very basic and superficial elements of what made the
franchise what it was. Beyond anything, its plot is so convoluted
that I couldn't follow it and yet I still managed to figure out the
twist before I even knew there was likely to be one. But I suppose
its worst crime is that it tries too hard to be cool. As a result
this movie ends up feeling like a Men In Black film
that's been generated by a fucking spreadsheet. What's popular?
Marvel films! Can we get the cast of Thor? Yes!
Can we get the director too? No! But can we make it feel like a
blooper real for that film crossed with a billboard for Top Shop? Yes
we can! And that's exactly what we got. Thanks for reading,
motherfuckers, and see you next time.
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