Dreams Are A Cancer For The Soul

If there's something that really bugs me about films it's that they can occasionally leave a slightly dim audience with an unrealistic expectation of life. Romantic films are the worst for this because they act as a kind of propaganda for the mush-brained fantasist. Particularly thick people might watch something like The Notebook and from that point on, feel disappointment that their love life isn't quite so extreme or perfect. Those kinds of films generally depict women as pathetically needy and the men as obsessive stalkers but throw in a bit of soft focus or dreamy music and suddenly these sinister characters become people to aspire to. Disney is also particularly bad at this because they constantly brainwash kids into believing that everything happens for a reason and that there's always a happy ending. Perhaps I wouldn't be as bitter and hate-filled as I am if I'd been prepared for the shiteness of life at a younger age. Television will always make up for at least one inevitably absent parent and when our minds are at their mushiest, Uncle Walt promises us that everything will work out for the best. Occasionally there actually is a reason as to why bad things happen in real life although sadly that reason is usually that somebody else is being a massive, crusty twat.

I was therefore very surprised to see that Monsters University actually had a believable message that kids deserve to be taught. The film is Pixar's very first prequel to its brilliant Monsters Inc. and basically tells the story of how having an ambition can cause nothing but misery and disappointment. The plot this time follows Mike and Sulley as they ruin their chances of a higher education in a series of fuck ups that, for a frat movie, involves a surprising lack of drugs, alcohol and sex. The two young freaks dream of being professional 'scarers' but sadly they're both just a bit too shit at it to be able to do it properly. I know that by the time of the original film, that's exactly the job they're doing but it's at this point they realise that the organisation is corrupt and their entire working life has been based on a lie. I guess it's kind of like an ugly but talented X-Factor contestant working extra hard to become a singer despite the marketing disability of their fat, slime-drenched face. After years of trying though they finally reach the top and get an album deal only to discover that now to maintain a career they're going to have to suck so much cock that that it ruins their ability to sing. Now with their dick-bashed voicebox out of action, everything they do from this point on is auto-tuned into oblivion meaning that all their hard work was for absolutely nothing. Although that has to be the most long winded and pointless metaphor of all time, I'm sure we can all enjoy the imagery that it conjured up!

The party livened up as soon as they opened the heroin.

So anyway, the message here might be refreshingly brutal but I guess that means jack shit if the movie itself is a pile of crap-nuts. Luckily then, Monsters University is pretty enjoyable although it sadly never gets close to hitting the highs of the brilliantly entertaining first film. The movie itself starts off worryingly slowly as it introduces us to the University and works at showing us Mike's desire to make a living at Monsters Inc. Physically, the small anal-bead of snot might not be very frightening but he does seem to know all the theory of how to tap into a child's individual fears. Although these days you could probably just save time by hiding at the foot of any kids bed, whispering, “Now then, now then” and rattling your pedo-bling. It doesn't take too much studying to work out that most children have an underlying fear of being haunted by a famous, dead nonce. Thankfully though the film really pics up once we get to the halfway point where Mike and Sulley begin competing in various competitions. There's one sequence in which they must race past some poisonousness spikes that is actually hilarious. Just the smallest of pricks from one of these things causes their skin to explode in massive cancerous looking tumours so that by the end of the race everyone looks like the Elephant Man's diseased left bollock.

Little Mike couldn't wait to grow up
and start life as a butt plug.

 For me, a lot of prequels tend not to work simply because you know how they're going to end. If Mike had given up on his ambition and instead started work as something random like a shopkeeper, train driver or gay-basher, I'd have been surprised, but this obviously isn't the case as from the original film we know exactly where he ends up and how close him and Sulley become. However, there was a slight twist to this prequel's ending that I did like and which was slightly unexpected. The rest of this paragraph is obviously a slight spoiler so those of a moan-y disposition might want to skip ahead now... So it has been my misfortune of late to discover quite how useless a university degree actually is. If I wanted to use the certificate to shove up my arse as I violently fud myself off then perhaps I might not complain. However silly old me actually intended to use the thing to get a job before discovering that those fucktard employees are considerately more interested in who you know than what you can do. I therefore loved how Monsters University's conclusion suggested that getting a good job isn't down to your qualifications alone but simply getting your foot in the door and then working your way up. From what I've slowly learnt, the only thing that a degree will do is rule you out of certain jobs for being overqualified. I guess having staff that are too comfortably capable of doing the work must be quite the burden for all those businesses out there. Considering how closely Monsters University stuck to the underdog formula, this ending was very much appreciated.

 So I don't watch kids films very often but if the pre-film trailers were anything to go by then the majority of them looked fucking awful. This however was good fun with its downbeat message and undercurrents of nihilism. The pacing could have been a little smoother and the jokes didn't come as fast as I might have hoped for but it was still very enjoyable. Plus children will no doubt still love it anyway, even if that does mean bugger all considering how uncritical most of them are. Young kids in general are pretty stupid and would laugh at a cartoon remake of a snuff film so long as they still didn't really understand it. I know most parents are secretly one scream away from throwing their offspring into the canal so before you commit infanticide, I recommend you show the little brat Monsters University. Not only will it shut them up for an hour and a half but it'll also subconsciously prepare them for the horror of life. In a dying world of mundanity we're not all destined for greatness and there's really no harm in knowing that from birth.

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